Greetings from Gehennom - Mashiach is on the Way!

(Satan):
"Hi! I'm Satan. Nice to meet you. Isn't it heiss? Yes, another job well done by me. Oy a broch! It really is boiling! Where is that air conditioner? Wouldn't that be a machaya right now?"

"Now, have I got an idea for you...it concerns borrowing your roomate's eggs without asking..."





It's official - it's hot as all hell, which means only one thing: Mashiach is on the way! One of the prophecies of the Messianic Era was that the weather would radically change, and look, it has. Last week it was frrreeeezing, and now it's hottttttt.

Nevermind that your hair is soggy, your shirt is sticking to your back and you haven't unpacked your summer wardrobe. Don't bother unpacking. Mashiach is coming - better have that suitcase ready!

So holla back to Hades and tell (The Official Church of) Satan you say shalom!!! (He's that little red man over your shoulder that always gets you to commit pritzus such as eating at Viva and ogling the Central Park Reservoir joggers in their itty bitty shorts.)

It's Fleet Week, Honeys: Hit Those Shaygetz's!

Your ship has come in....








It's Fleet Week here in NYC and you know what that means - fresh, young rump roast has come to port and is ready to party. Ladies, if it's been a while since your last hook-up and you're looking for some guilt-free, non-marriage-material adult fun, I suggest you hit the Intrepid and chat up a hot goyish sailor.*

Remember, these guys have been cooped up on a ship for a while (*wink wink*). If you must justify your Jewish guilt, think of what you're doing for your country.

A Memorable Memorial Day, all! Start creating some new memories this weekend...

*Sorry to all those I might have offended. I just tell it like it is, and the state of the union now is:
1. There are alot of J-ladies dying for a hot hookup
2. Most of these sailors are goyim dying for a hot hookup
In this case: 1+1=2 very happy people

Does UWS Ohab Zedek shul have a gay problem?

In this regular "jew" search of a random Craig's List postings, we find what appears to be a coupe-in-planning over at the offices of the Rabbi of OZ.

Are the eyes of the guys at OZ wandering to the east and west pews instead of the north balcony?

This post was posted on CL at 12:30am.... Mr Pers-1637.... was obviously trolling for some late night meat - and I'm not talking the Alibaba kind.... !

From Craig's List New York
_________________________________________________________

Ohab zedek Frum guys

Reply to: pers-163701371@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-05-23, 12:30AM EDT


Looking for all the closeted gay orthodox`guys at OZ. We would like to all show up at Rabbi Schartz's office one day and let him know that there are more than just a few gay men in his synagogue!!!!

Its time that this little big secret comes out over there. You cant have 400 single men in their 20's, 30's and 40's and not have any gay guys. Lets start the process of coming out and being heard. There is strength in numbers!! Interested???

no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Random Jewish Rhymes - A Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Waste, Ich Vaist

Can you sin while in Spin (class)?

Or to put it another way, if you fantasize about the delish yet unhalachic things you want to do to the beefy instructor while exercising, is it 'sinning while Spinning?'

Does Governor Pataki have backne (back acne, get with the times people)?*

Do you hurl on a Guy Named Earl? Or do you just pour mayim on Chaim when he leaves you the Pizza Roma shrayim?

Does the thought of OZ's Tuesday Night Learning fill you with yearning, or does it leave you squirming?

Is Kabbalah Water krunk, or just junk? (Junk, I think. No, I don't think, I KNOW.)

Does Eretz have merits? Or do you reach your grocery goal at Supersol?

When you pass by apartments in the James Tower, Key West or Westmont, do you hear groaning or moaning?

Is Madonna a Jew? Does her cheek have a pinkish hue? Is Guy Ritchie going to divorce her (don't say such things - poo poo!)?

Good night. Be good, kids - don't fight. Save electricity - turn off the light. And remember, Mama (that is Jumpin Jewess) is always right.

*I ask because he just had a rather long stint in a hospital bed. It's not like I have anything against the man. Okay, maybe I do.

Jesus visits 80,000 Orthodox Jewish homes....

Just a few months after Elijah visits ortho-Jews, 80,000 Orthodox Jewish households receive a DVD indicating that Moshiach has already come.

I didn't get the notice... I can still sin away!

All Hail Amishav, Enthusiastic Blogger and Commentator!

Aw, how can you resist? Also, nice art supplies in the background.









It's time to once again acknowledge Amishav, the indescribably motivated author of the blog Chai Expectations. A few months ago, after reading his blog and empathizing with his search for a soulmate (so similar to that of Kip from Napolean Dynamite), I posted his pic in the hopes of helping him find his very own ezer k'negdo (or Lawfundah).

Since then, he has undoubtedly become JewYorkCity's #1 fan, and we so look forward to his comments on all of our posts. So once again, here is Amishav's adorable panim for your pleasure. Ladies, eat him up!

Brokeback Monsey?

Oh, this is so Jim McGreevy-like. Where is the originality? I wonder who this guy goes fishing with?

Questionable SLEB (slob?) Sighting Alongside Unwavering Political Action

Biggest thrill of my life thus far - met Governor (sorry for the typo - eagle eyed Commentator) George Pataki yesterday at Columbia Law School graduation. His daughter graduated alongside my sis.

Why is he a questionable slob? (He's for sure a questionable celeb since who wouldn't pass up a chance to meet him to get a gander at Eva Longoria, or even Don Rickles.) First of all, he has a little belly that slops over his pants. Not too bad, really, nothing for a guy his age. The true problem is that he's a selfish politico in many, many ways. As a Jew, I can't do anything but dislike him, since us Jews have 'crusading for one political cause or another' in our DNA.

So, in my own passive-aggressive way, I acted on my dislike. My bro insisted on taking a picture with him, and me being disinterested and not too fond of our governornator, I asked snarkily if Georgie wanted the pic emailed to him. Also, I told his guards that I was annoyed by his policies and asked if their ear buds were iPods. (They snickered.)

I'm happy to report that my brave political action will have no impact on the state of NY, politics, or anything at all.

Jumpin' Jewess Inconsolable Over Proposed Shuttering of Makor

Help me, friends. I can't catch my breath. This news has left me beyond - I am bereft, burdened with bad thoughts and bamboozled. Seriously though, I'm so sad!

Why are they closing Makor? It's such a great place to have on the UWS and they have the one reliable dairy cafe. Where else am I going to go to dish with my girlfriends, snarf down Greek salad and half-listen to klezmer at the same time? Where am I going to go for Indie Jewish flicks?

Are they just going to turn it into condos? Seriously, what the hell? Let's mount a protest on the 'Donna Martin Graduates' scale!!!!

Bored? Sue Yeshiva University! Everyone else is...

Some of the pending lawsuits on this site are uhhh interesting.... and I loooove the name of the site... so catchy!

Satmar is so March 2006... i say shut it down...!

OK.... who else is sick and tired over the constant over-coverage of the Satmar community? They're burning down buildings for insurance money, they're throwing rock at cars with occupants by the name of Zissel (poor zissel was lucky to be wearing her bullet-proof stockings and a shpilke over her shaitlech... she didn't even know anything happened. JFK should have done the same!), putting out fires, and all sorts of chaos just because two rabbis are fighting over God-knows-what?!?!?

Rupert Murdoch - please buy the Satmar community and make them stop!!! Their news coverage is taking away from us knowing what a horrible job as a mother Brittany Spears is to Sean Preston, and I dont even know what ever happened with J-Lo's ex Chris Judd telling his tell-all story about his marriage to Jenny anymore!

UWS Makor is shutting down....

Oh-no! the 92nd St Y has announced the sale of the building that houses the hip-wannabe Makor . Now us UWS Jews will actually have to take the M96 bus crosstown to go to the Y's Jewish venues... oh forget it, we'll just maybe hang out at the JCC on Amsterdam Ave....

TomKat Formalizes Placenta-Eating Wish Into Mass Reality

"YES!!!! Afterbirth Apple Crisp is being served today!"





Well, hidey ho! I was innocently passing the Beacon Theatre (on 76th & Broadway) and I guess they were setting up for some show because there were catering vans outside.

But this was not just any catering company - it was called TomKat Catering!!!

I suspect an evil conspiracy - a front for CrazyKat! It all came together as I remembered, that pre-FrummySuri's birth, Mr. Tom Impossible inexplicably stated that he was going to devour his baby's warm, delicious and gooey placenta.

Happily, Scientologists now have a luscious menu from which to choose their cultish cookies. Witness this inventive and delish dish: Umbilical Cord 'Child' Chili Con Carne. Mmmm!!!

Boo fu**in hoo! Guess what Paris lost now?

--> Don't cry, Paris. Just drink the Kool-Aid.




No, not her virginity. That little flower was taken long, long ago.

No, not her risque (I'm being delicate here) 'One Night in Paris' video with Rick Salomon. That's old news and from what I heard, she profited handsomely from its sales.

No, not her chihuahua, Tinkerbell. He was once lost, but then found underneath a pile of forgotten shoes. Besides, she gave him away when he got fat and she got tired of him.

No, not her hacked Sidekick. That sure was fun though - getting access to the contact info of various STAHS and Paris' dirty cam phone shots (one of which was an unsurprising lesbo shot). The most interesting dirt, in my opinion, were the private emails - one of which revealed through La Lindsay Lohan that Jessica Simpson was a fan of the nose candy.

No, not her Bentley, which she recently lost in a poker game. Eh, big deal, she'll just buy a new one.

And, finally, no, not her mind. I don't think she ever had it, and it's certainly gone now. At a media event, she screwed (tee hee) up the promotion of 'her' video game and called it the wrong name.

No, Ms. Hilton has sadly lost the Mother's Day gift (*cough* - freebies) she so lovingly had (her assistants, stylists, shopgirls) put together for Big Mama Kathy. What was lost? A gift bag containing nearly $10,000 worth of Christian Dior shoes, sunglasses, handbags and perfume.

How was it lost? A delivery person set the package down outside the home's gate to ring the intercom when a passenger in a passing car snatched the gifts. "A fellow just whizzed by and grabbed the package," a source said.

Wah, wah, Mama Kathy. I guess I feel sorta bad for her - not that it matters - Paris can just get her a new one with a snap of the fingers. But I sure am proud of the whizzing fellow.

Bubby Was Right! Always Wear Clean Underwear (or any at all) to Bed

This picture is worth a million Yiddishisms

IT'S TIME FOR: A Friendly JYC Yiddish/Vocab Lesson!

Yee haw! Shout it from the treetops! It doesn't get more exciting than this.

JYC bloggers are such in-the-know Members of the Tribe (MOTs) that we pepper all our entries with Yiddish/crazy Jew words. However, not everyone is as conversant and doesn't understand that added dramatic flair. (Hee hee - flair - always reminds me of the gevaldic 'Office Space.')

There I went again! What is gevaldic? Well, let your friendly JumpinJewess be your guide:

-Gevaldic - something that should be exalted! Usually used in a spiritual way but often (in our case) used for the most mundane of items, such as food and mandals (man sandals - hee hee). Was often shouted out randomly by Rebbe Shlomo Carlebach, everyone's favorite crunchy granola Rabbi. Also used slyly as in 'gevaldica middos,' literally 'great character traits' but now meaning, 'nice rack.'

-Kak a Moon - irreplaceable Yiddish saying that basically means "go to hell." I don't know exactly what it means, but probably has something to do with your moon (and I don't mean the Rev. Sun Yung Moon).

-OnlySimchas.com - most annoying (yet addictive) of webites, which proudly trumpets the engagements, marriages, circumcisions (not female - we aint in Africa), Snapple drinking, etc. etc. of an unusually non-photogenic bunch of Jews with funny names. Really fun site to use to check out exes (they're marrying that?) and spy in all kind of ways. Only Jews could come up with such a concept, and we're breathlessly awaiting OnlyDivorces.com & OnlyFriendsWithBenefits.com.

-Glatt - denotes a special level of kosher meat. This level is not required for meat to be kosher but every J-restuarant wants to show how special they are, so it's usually found somewhere in the name. Witness: Glatt-to-Go, Glatt Wok (can I get a Glatt Wok? ala Jay-Z), Glatt-in-Your-Hatt, Glatt-in-Your-Butt, etc.
(*Always causes a special snicker when applied to dairy eateries, since they don't serve meat.)

-Madonnna - not Jewish, no matter how much she wants to be. Esther??? HA!

Contact me with any questions, loveys.

Polyamorus relationships in Jewish community

I didn't know that OnlySimchas supported polyamorous relationships. With engaged couples marrying plants and teddy bear baloons, our community has sunk to new lows.

I'm up at an un-G-dly hour, and it's all Jew're fault

Here I am, tapping away at my laptop at 1:40am. This may not be unusual in some circles, but I chose a quality of life job for a reason. So why did I just finish a project draft that is due at 9am tomorrow?

Because I am so distracted, finding juicy tidbits for you lovely readers, that I had to take work home with me! I hope you kidaroos are satisfied with my dedication - HMMPH!!

Now, that's some serious Jewish guilt for you.

But seriously, I so enjoy blogging for you guys. We're all one big family - I love you, man! (Better get off to bed - I'm getting dangerously maudlin.) Layla tov!

Yay! (Non-David Blaine type of) Vacay!

--> So NOT ME.







Shalom chamoodim, a very happy Jumpin Jewess is writing to you today! Why, you ask? (Why, I ask in the Socratic/Talmudic/Psychiatric method.) Well, for a simple yet wonderful reason, children. I've booked my summer vacation!

Where will I be going, you ponder? To the lovely Greek Islands, is my rejoinder!

Yes it's true, JJ & her lovely j-buddy will be invading the country of Greece and all its borders for about 12 days in August. What poetic justice that a Jewess will be wreaking havoc on Yavan, the evil country that tried to defile our holy temple, only to have us burn our light for eight nights. (But let's not go on with this Chanukah line of conversation, it's May, for the love of sandwiches.) I can assure you though that my light will not go out for 12 nights! And I'll try to spread some Jewish love around (not like that, you pigs) to make up for all the ancient warmongering.

Thankfully, on this vacation, I will be mobile and not confined to a scuba tank, unlike our freakish neighbor, David Blaine. Supposedly the dude is not doing too well after spending a freaking week in an aquarium!! Shocker! Yet, like the good idiot he is, he plans to soldier on and go through with his finale of holding his breath underwater for 9 minutes.

Well, good luck Mr. Blaine. With a name like David and after a feat like that, you may be the Messiah! (halivay) But in my opinion, you're just a silly yingel that needs a good Jewish mother to bop him over the head and scream at him, "Get out of the tank, you stinker! That's for the gefilte!" and feed him some chicken soup STAT.

If you don't move to Israel now, this gorilla will eat you

"Make Aliyah now - oh, you're comfortable here in America? Aren't you looking like a banana?? RAHHHHHHRRRRRRR!!!!"


As I searched Aish HaTorah's website for some spiritual nourishment (since those soy chips sure as heck weren't doing it), I chanced upon the lovely picture above.

Apart from the unflattering, porno-ish angle of the gorilla and he(?)/she(?)'s extra-large booty, I was shocked by the blatant scare tactics currently being employed by Aish. Oh, so the Torah codes weren't forcing everyone to become religious? You have to sic APES on us?

(I have no explanation for the 'filters' part of the title, so use your yiddishe imagination for that one.)

Those Jewish Boy Bands are going crazy!

The next generation of Jewish Boy Bands - warning: do not try this at home!

Upper West Side girls - there's hope! Shidduch catch of the week - Donor ID 3775

So - while browsing the internet one evening, I browsed upon Cryobank's website.Cryobank is the "leading donor sperm bank"... why was I on there? Err... I'm not sure... blogs were beginning to bore me, and dating sites were beginning to irritate me.

So.... I found this nifty "power search" engine that allows eggs, err I mean females search for their dream.... donor! Who would have thought - only if Jewish dating sites would be as specific as Cryobank's search engine! Everything from occupation to eye color to Keirsey Temperament Sorter - and that's only the public information. Most of Cryobank's donors are ivy league educated and they only accept "1-2% of all donor applicants" - that narrows your search down to like 1... but how many do you really need?

All donors have the option of being "anonymous" or "open"; meaning Mr. Open's information is more readily available on the internet.

I did a search for Open donors who are Jewish and only one guy appeared in my search... Ladies - meet DONOR #3775. He's a Russian/English donor with an O+ type blood, with a degree in English and Cinema (ok, so he's not a doctor, but he may have a PHD.... he's got wavy dark brown hair and a medium build.

Though, when I read his personal essay - I began to worry about Donor #3775. He states "I like to think I helped contribute towards somebody's happiness. When ten minutes of my time can create a lifetime of joy for someone else, I consider that a good trade."

TEN MINUTES?!?!?!? It only took him ten minutes? What was the rush? Or is he quick...?!?!? Maybe that's why he's donating?!? Now, perhaps some men are jealous of the length of time it takes Mr Cinema to "contribute towards somebody's happiness", but dude - stretch out the joy for a bit more... life is short. This isn't a Geico commercial where 15 minutes will save you 15% on your auto insurance!

What makes Donor 3775 "unique"? Well, according to his personal essay... "Not to mention my shoe size (16)." Now girls, although, this may not make you happy, if you birth a son, you'll make some other girl very happy one day.... kinda like that movie.

From that statement, I did some more digging on said-donor and found out that only his father is Jewish. So, this must mean that his unique shoe size must stem from the genetic side of 3775's mother.

So... I was thinking - how about merging Frumster with Cryobank?!?! We'd have oh-so-many-more simchas in the community!!!

I'm a funky ass jewish gizzle witta big bad tattoo

Over the fizziest weekend shiznit ever, I was fortunate enough (thanks, EvilNJB) to be introduced to Gizoogle, a hilarious website that translates anything you write into Ebonics. I am premiering it to you live today -

I gizoogled, 'It's May Day today - hooray!' Here are the two responses that Gizoogle shot back with:

"Hooray, Hooray, It's tha Fizzirst of Mizzle Outdoor ****ing starts today - so sit back relax new jacks get smacked!"

AND

"The Fizzay Day of May Outdoor Fuck'n Starts Today ... So tha sex celebrizzles will jizzust be dippin' May Day bizzy ta its roots!"

Try it the Jewish way too. I gizoogled, 'I am a nice Jewish girl' and it fizzled my nizzle with:

"I'm a funky ass jewish gizzle witta big bad tattoo ... "

Rap on with: "Funky ass jewish bitchez jizzust don't do it. N so i nodded n asked her ta pass tha pork."

Gizoogle FOREVAH!