Jewish Mothers! (In honor of Mother's Day)

Happy Mother's Day to all you long suffering Jewish mamas, slaving over the stove to perfect your gefilte fish and scrubbing floors to send poor Yidel to cheder! In your honor, I've included a list of stereotypes of Jewish mamas, courtesy of the ever genius Wikipedia.(Don't mind the sarcasm, mommy, we love you!)

Typical activities of a Jewish mother include:

1. Worrying about the day to day movements, relationships and income of her offspring, even (and usually) when they are fully grown adults.

2. Overprotecting and taking a concern in the welfare of her offspring to such an extent that it becomes ridiculous, activities may range from sending strudel in the post up to her children when they are at university, calling them on a day to day basis, expressing interest as to whether they are 'eating well' or if they have 'done their washing,' and not letting them do anything that she perceives as 'unsafe,' or 'dangerous,' even if the chances of danger are ridiculously small.

3. Usually very skilled in the kitchen, often making meals of kosher quality in excessive proportions.

4. Often getting in the way of the relationships of her offspring, often expressing much distaste and bitterness towards the man that her daughter is in a relationship with unless he is earning a large income.

5. Often setting up her sons with various women she deems fit, and making suggestions to her sons and daughters of potential partners.

6. Taking excessive pride in the achievements of her offspring. This is most apparent when in conversation with other (usually Jewish) women her own age, often making references to "My son, the lawyer... ", or "My son, the doctor...".

7. Persistant nagging of her children if she considers them to have underachieved academically or financially, or if they remain unmarried.

8. (S)mothering her children, even when they have grown up. The effect, according to Philip Roth in Portnoy's Complaint, is that "a Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until the day he (or his parents) dies."

9. She stresses being respected and honored by her children. Hence, the classic dismissal of Freudian theory: "Oedipus shmoedipus! A boy shouldn't love his mother?"

10. Want their sons to be doctors when they grow up.

11. She manipulates her child through the use of guilt, as in the old joke: Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (with mournful Yiddish accent) Don't worry about me; I'll just sit here in the dark.

And from me: 12. Calls you her 'shayna maidelah'!! :)

Frummy Job Fair!!

Jobs are available at the OU! If you want to work with your semitic brothers and sisters on a daily basis, and support an organization that supports food (always a worthy cause), here is the info:

OU Job Fair 6/5, 11 Broadway

Registration for the OU Job Fair to take place I"H onTuesday June 5, from 11-6 at the OU offices 11 Broadway NYC. This is a virtual job fair and all interviews will take place via Live Video Conference or in person with Employers, Head Hunters etc. We are doingthis in stages, as there are many available jobs. Stage one will takeplace for the following Jobs from 11- 1 P.M.

PLEASE REPLY ONLY TO THEBELOW JOBS FOR THIS TIME SLOT.

TEACHERS, MORAH'S, RABBAIM- English Studies Hebrew Studies -MAJORSCHOOLS ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE NY/NJ AREA

HIGH TECH IT JOBS- I.E PROGRAMMERS, WEB DEVELOPERS, CC+, SENIOR SFOFTWARE DEVELOPERS, DATA BASE ARCHITECT, Tech Engineers

STAGE TWO 1:00 -6:00 P.M. WE WILL POST AN ADDITIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT FORTHIS STAGE NEXT WEEK.

ADDITIONAL JOB ARE. Bookkeeper -Admin Assistants-Social Worker-Case Worker-Graphic Artist-Sales (inside and outside) - Jobs from Home-Nurse-Lawyers-Doctors/Dentists- Secretary/receptionists -Accountants,R.E. Sales/Brokers, Financial Positions and more

TO JOIN THIS FAIR PLEASE POST YOUR RESUME DIRECTLY ON THE ORTHODOX UNION-OU-JOB BOARD. This IS THE ONLY WAY to apply for our Virtual job Fair to take placeTuesday June 5.

To post your resume on the ou job board, please follow these simpleinstructions
1- Please go to this link and follow instructions & fill out the form http://www.ou.org/jobs/job_bank_reg/job
2- You will get a notice that an e mail has been sent to youraccount
3- Please confirm the e mail by clicking on the link provided
4- Log in with your name and password that you created in Step 1
5- Scroll down until you see the resume form. Post your resume byentering the personal information that is required, Make sure that thetitle of your resume is NOT YOUR NAME BUT THE KIND OF JOB YOU ARELOOKING FOR and then fill out or copy the body of your resume information and/or paste on the resume box. If you have an existing resume document then copy it (highlight the body of your resume, pressthe right hand button on the mouse and then scroll to copy-press lefthand button on copy) and now paste it (put a cursor on the body of theOU web page where your resume goes, click right button on mouse and scroll to paste, then hit left hand button on mouse and paste) and your resume body will appear on the page
6- After you do this, please press submit. You are now registeredfor the job fair and your resume is posted

Thanks and best of Luck and much Hatzlocha
Regards Mikejobs@ou. org
http://www.ou.org/ <http://www.ou.org/>

Once and For All: Who is Gay in Hollywood????

--> Don't let Tom (or Diane) fool you.


It's kinda late and I've had an uneventful but nevertheless exhausting day. Fun little goss tidbits are mosying through my head so why don't I just lay them out here for your enjoyment, rather than formulating a quippy (and of course amusing) entry.

Here goes, kinderlach:

- I got together with some fellow bas yisrael this past Shabbos afternoon. We had a lovely shaleshudes and talked about divrei torah, i.e. what celebrities are definitively feigelahs (gay).*

Turns out one of the chiquitas had a long convo with this woman who works at MTV and she confirmed the orientation of some SLEBS I just knew were crushing on the the color pink: Tom Cruise (oh please, did you ever doubt?), John Travolta, Kevin Spacey and Ms. Jodie Foster.

-My lovably yentish friend also named a hottie I had strongly suspected: Jake Gyllenhaal. Sigh. All the hotties are gay. (Please let Jonathan Rhys Myers be exempt!) She pointed to another actress I couldn't quite figure out: Nicole Kidman. (Don't ask me why she's married to Keith Urban.) And an actress I should have realized, but always thought had bad luck with men: Diane Keaton.

-Finally, she shocked me with this revelation: Meg Ryan! None of my other friends seemed in the least bit surprised. I couldn't believe that I, Ms. Blase Everyone in Hollywood is Gay, did not suspect the Meg. According to my friend, when slebs adopt babies rather than have their own, it's a tipoff. Witness Meg's adoption of her Asian bebe Daisy and (ahem!) Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman's adoption of two kids instead of having their own.

-Then I did some internet research (i.e. Google but research sounds so official) and found that not only was Meg rumored to have a 'very special relationship' with her hairdresser, but she was also suspected of having a 'secret' (i.e. leaked by publicists) relationship with Matthew Perry (also rumored to be gay). That cinched it for me.

Now, you may ask: Why do you care who is gay?

To this I say: If you're going to market yourself as one thing, and you really are another, I'll be danged before I look like a fool! I will Strive For The Truth (the emes if you will)! Just like our sainted grandmothers taught us: don't be fooled by a lokshen kugel masquerading as a brisket!

You may also want to know: What the heck does this have to do with Jewish topics (i.e. JewYorkCity's bread & buttah)?

To this I provide this rejoinder: We were so busy talking about the STAHS on Shabbos, we didn't indulge in any loshon hara (about people we know)! If that isn't sainted, what is?

Layla tov, honeys.

*Disclaimer: Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. No, really. I saw "Trembling Before G-d" and have proven myself to be, on this blog and elsewhere, a firm believer in gay rights. (I mean that.) And hot men in tights. (I mean that too.)

Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!

Beer with Laughing Gas, Ben & Jerry's with Matzah - Israel's Got It All

-->No laughing gas in these, sorry. But can we interest you in a nice scoop of cheese blintze ice cream with etrog sauce?

Two more reasons to make aliyah - Israeli beer that gets you drunk AND high and Israeli ice cream that contains no yeast!

In case you were tired of trolling helium balloon stands to get your daily dose of whippets, Israeli entrepreneurs reportedly have developed a beer that contains nitrous oxide or laughing gas. The beer, developed by two engineers and approved by the Health Ministry, contains fun and adorable 'laughing gas bubbles' that send sabras who drink it into giggle fits. Good news: Plans for a similar hybrid vodka are in the works!

G-d, you have to love Israel! It produces genius engineers and its Health Ministry certainly has its priorities in order.

In other wonderful gastronomic news, the jolly and portly duo known as Ben & Jerry has done a great service for Passover Loving Israelis Who Also Love Dairy (also known as PLIWALDs). The unleavened new 'Matzah Crunch' flavor, available only at the company's factory in Yavne, Israel, is a French vanilla ice cream boasting chips of chocolate-covered matzah.

I know Passover is over, peeps, but don't you want that constipated, chocolately feeling that comes from eating so much matzah all year long? Think of how delicious it would be with toppings such as wet walnuts or Magen Dovid shaped sprinkles!

A stern note: The beer (and future vodka) projects elicited censure from Israel's Anti-Drug Authority, which noted that laughing gas is a controlled substance and that beer tastes icky. No word on what the Israeli anti-gleeda federation had to say to Ben and Jerry.

When Carbs Attack: Can You Avoid Turning Into a Carbohydrate this Pesach?

-->Check out that Jewish tuchus!

This is a little late but there's still a few days left of Passover and I have to be proactive. I am so full of carbs at this point I'm ready to annoint myself Ms. Potatoe Bod. Soooo, here's some nice wisdom from About.com, one of my favorite websites, on how to cut down/deal with the foods that make you bloated, tired, lazy and I guess, happy.

(That brings me to a conundrum - do I want to be thin and annoyingly hungry or fat and happy? A question for another time.)

The main thing is though: enjoy the holiday, indulge a little and everything in moderation. Oh, and don't do drugs!

"Matzo - Try to get whole grain matzos, which have slightly less carbohydrate (19 grams instead of 22), and at least a little fiber. Also, there's no obligation to chow down on them. Have some raw vegetables on hand for munching if you're hungry before the main meal.
Charoset - Charoset is mostly really healthy, but don't load it down with sugar or honey. If you want it sweeter, you can add a little sugar substitute.
Gefilte fish - Gefilte fish does not have to be hard to make, and that way you can control the extra ingredients. Homemade is so much better than the stuff in jars! If you shop at a store with a fish counter, they will even grind the fish up for you, which speeds up the process. Jewish Food writer Joan Nathan says to think of them as dumplings and they won't seem as big a deal.

Most main dishes are fine. They can include brisket and salmon.

Of course, traditions differ in different areas and in different families - and sometimes it's fun to bend tradition and try something new.

Spring vegetables are common side dishes, especially asparagus. Passover can be a nice time to transition from the often-starchier winter vegetables to the lighter spring ones, which are usually low in carbohydrate.
Kugels made with potato are high in starch, of course. Either have just a few bites, or try a vegetable kugel with less or no potato."

Matzher? I hardly knew her! and other glorious Passover double entendres

--> A new twist on 'Dick in a Box'!



Put down that vacuum slowly and move over to this screen! Yes, you! You've been Pesach cleaning all day and are about to go postal. How about a nice break with some Folger's Crystals and your fave blogger?

Today I have some lovely Passover pickup lines for you to use at your next Seder mixer/rave. Thank me when the object of your affection comes in for a '5th cup' nightcap!

Here's a few that I made up:
* Baby, you make bondage sound like fun!

*I can make you maROAR!

*I know where I'd like to dip my karpas!

And the rest (from various genius internet sources):
* Let's make this night really different from all other nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I've got a Ramses in my pocket and I'm glad to see you!
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?
* Against the wall and spread 'em: I'm going to have to search you for chometz
* I could never Pass you Over * I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
* After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
* What will you do to me for two zuzim?
* I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
*Maybe when Elijah shows up, we can make it a threesome

Dick in a Box = Torah in Your Ark??

I'm a latecomer to the whole Dick in a Box phenomenon, but I think it's hilarious. I was just watching it for the millionth time on YouTube and wondering what the Jewish version would be???

"We've been together such a long time, maidelah
Now it's time to step up to the bima and do some biah

After all, it's the first night of Passover
And my matzoh is quivering for you if you know what I mean

I put my Torah in your Ark
Torah in your Ark babyyyyyy

Every single holiday - Torah in your Ark!
Succos - I'll get out my lulav, boobah!
Purim - Shake my gragger for me!

Just call me Man-o-Shevitz!

It's my Torah in your Ark
Torah in your Ark babyyyyyy"

I like it. Now we just need fellow yid Andy Samberg to stop chasing shiksas and come over and record.

Scandalous Jewish Twist in the Anna Nicole Smith Saga!

This just in: Shloimie Faffenfuffer, 32, proprietor of the esteemed Glatt Bagels and Ladels dining establishment in Far Rockaway, Five Towns, New York, has just held a press conference to announce that he is the true father of Anna's lost child, poor Dannielynn!

Yes, the world has waited in wonder for the true father to step forward, and good Shloimie has obliged. Ealier today, he helpfully had his powerful DNA airlifted to authorities in Bahamas, to the Seminole Hard Rock Kafe, Kasino & Kvetch in Tallahassee and to speechless reporters at bangitout.com (along with the boring scientist types that are going to do the actual CSIesque testing of his life granting, spermy matter).

We cashed in our Jewish Mafia connections and Herr Faffenfuffer gave us the exclusive story: "Eh, forget those silly shlemiels that claimed to be the tattie! Prince Zsa Zsa, the shaigetz blond photographer Birkhead and that Shvitzer Stern are all imposters! I am the true abba of darling Dannielyn."

He told us about their bashert five weeks of dating: "What Anna Nicoleleah and I had was very special. She was sent to me as a match on Saw You at Sinai and when I saw her Yiddishe physique, I knew I had to meet at her once. Our first date was at the Marriott Marquis and we had a lovely time at the spinning lounge. She had a Diet Coke, no lemon! What a bas Yisroel! Her middos were gevald."

The bombastic bagelmaker paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "Yes, she was pregnant before we stood under the chuppah, but she was going to be called a betulah on the ketubah anyway! I had reserved the Rose Castle for Lag B'Omer and Star Caterers were ready to go."

He detailed the ramifications of her death: "My dear mama is flipping out because we put a deposit down with the florist. I keep seeing visions of her and can't concentrate. My blue and white cookie baking schedule for Yom Ha'atzmaut pre-orders is all out of whack!"

Dr. Shloimie went on to tell us what keeps him going: "Only thoughts of Dannielynellah get me through the day. She looks just like me - see that panim? I must bring her back to Far Rockaway with me and have her enrolled in Torah Temima Preschool at once!"

He vowed to fight on: "I have the Rabbinical Counsel of America and the Star-K hashgacha behind me. There is no way we are losing this legal battle. Next year in Jerusalem!"

We should never know from the depths of his pain. Good luck Shloimie and may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion. For those interested, Glatt Bagels and Ladels will be kosher for Pesach and is slashing prices on egg kichel this Thursday only!

Purim Shpiel Details!

Come see me perform at the Jewish Center Purim Shpiel this Saturday night!!

Where: The Jewish Center
131 W 86th Street between Columbus and Amsterdam
Upper West Side of Manhattan

When: Sat. night, March 10 at 9pm. Come earlier to get good seats!

Cost: $15 that goes to charity

Hope to see you there! If you're a JewYorkCity fan, come say hi!