OnlySimchas does porn!

Oh NO!!!!!!!!! So, as you can see from the photo on the RIGHT, Regina and Moshe have adhered to the "3 feet in between" rule required when posing next to your known-you-for-three-weeks-but-loved-one pictures on the engaged section of OnlySimchas. This is all fine, dandy and truly Kosher.

However, while browsing through OnlySimchas on a Thursday afternoon, I discovered a breach in the rule from Yumi and Chani of London/Israel (who would have thought they were that touchy/feely out there?!?). See the picture ABOVE where Yumi and Chani are. Touching. In. An. ENGAGEMENT. Photo. What has our world come to? What horrible paparazzi found them this intimate and exposed them to a world where you can't even pose next to each other? Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume picture-doctoring occurred.

What next?!?! Mixed dancing?!?

My Body is My Menorah: A Naked Display of Love for Chanukah

The Festival of Lights is coming to you live and uncut! JewYorkCity's last post, with its beautifully illustrated picture of a kosher and thoughtfully nude maidele, inspired me...I want to ramble through the dandelions tomorrow morning in nothing but my gatkes...naked as a jaybird! The early morning light that shines off of me will be an abstract reconstruction of the Menorah in its most minimal sense - I think Andy Warhol will be proud. In keeping with the frying theme, I will smear myself with olive oil and cavort in Chanukah bliss!

Although it is cold out, if not now, when? I will pioneer my own chapter of the "Yiddishe Polar Latke Club." Anyone who would like to join me in my artistic Chanukah expression, meet me at the 86th St. and CPW entrance to the park at 6am tomorrow. I'll be the gleamingly oiled shandeh! Bring friends, young children, parents, potential boyfriends - all are welcome in what is sure to be a miracle!




(Okay....I was just kidding....did you really think I would do such a thing....GOSH!!!)

What the f*%$ IS Kosher?!?!?

My favorite blog of the week, Overheard in New York, posted the following conversation:

Girl: Excuse me, is you popcorn kosher?
Counter guy: Um...I, ah, I dunno.
Girl: Do you even know what kosher means?
Counter guy: Hey, Geraldo. Is our popcorn kosher?
Geraldo: What the fuck's kosher?
--Loews 84th Street Theatre 6

So, this is a question that has been plaguing many of us Jew Yorkers since we immigrated from the various boroughs outside of Manhattan!

Is Loews popcorn Kosher? Viva Pizza? Zen Palate? Frappacinno's? Jamba Juice? Starbucks? Dunkin coffee? those nuts that are sold in the street? Who really is the Vaad of Flatbush, do they exist...? do they really leave Brooklyn and come to Manhattan (cuz we all know not too many Brooklyners do!)? Speaking of, is everything in Brooklyn kosher?

I love that PETA is going after the kosher slaughter houses, because EVERYONE who PETA goes after is A-list and that just makes me feel all so special!!

So, I haven't really answered any of my own questions... All I can say, is someone please educate Geraldo in theater 6 at Loews (84th st) to hold the butter, because we all know that's not kosher...

Is it Chanukah or Christmas... Im confused?!?!

My sincere apologies for my extended absence, I truly have no excuse.... I haven't been decorating a tree, lighting a menorah or drinking Kabbalah water... Ive just been "out of it". My therapist says its the "December blues"; I believe it's just lack of motivation.

So... here I am. I spent December going to holiday parties [Oh, Jayson, Merry Christmas!; I'm Jewish; Oh, [pity look on face, and rub a shoulder], Happy Hanukkah, it falls out on Christmas this year!". If one more pig-eater tells me that Chanukah is on Christmas, I'm gonna smoke near the tree in Rock Center!!

I survived the transit strike, though, New Yorkers are assholes! The media portrayed every New Yorker as so helpful during the strike... no one offered ME a ride... well, in the AM when my toosh was needed to be occupant #4 in a southbound of 96th Street, I had more offers than a Craigs List ad... but on my 60 block walk home.... i hitched, and hitched... and no one even stopped to laugh in my face!!!

Krotzmach Day.... I did NOT do the stereotypical go-to-movies-and-eat-Chinese with some M-O-Ts... instead I went to-the-movies-and-ate-Mediterannean food with Christ-lovers!!

I saw Munich, ehhh... it was typical Spielberg (without the Reese's Pieces)... but oh-so-bloody!

Anyway... I'm here and alive.... I'll be posting more regularly in the New Year....

So ...Shanah Tovah, Chag Sameach, Happy Chanukah to the frum, Happy Hanukkah to the fry and Merry Christmas to the Reformed!

Happy Chanukah, Young Maccabees!

THAT'S CHANUKAH IN HEBREW!!!

Dear Hanukkah Harry,

I've been a very good girl this year.

Although I danced on tables a few times, I always wore underwear and stayed modest. While I might have gossiped here and there, it was always (okay, usually) about celebrities, and we all know they don't count right? If I ate at Viva, at least I don't look Jewish so there was no ma'areet ayin. (A word on that: I think it's kosher since it's owned by non-Jews, but what do I know?)

I did chessed:
-I put candy on my desk for the benefit of my co-workers.
-I ignored the hideous freaks who made obscene comments to me on the street.
-I proudly wore my Star of David bling bling.
-I tipped my manicurist generously.
-I ate oily latkes and jelly doughnuts just like you asked. Not only that, I'm giving my faithful readers a recipe to make latkes themselves! (Shebang!!)
-I did not attack the girl who blatantly jumped the coat check line at Hiro the other night (although, being an honest little Yid, I did want to).

So, dear Harry, all I ask for in return is a few prezzies. What do I have in mind? Just a modest selection:
-The new furry, multi-colored Coach bag (my mother and sister would be so proud)
-A personal chef
-Banning all dogs from NYC streets and immediate jail for dog walkers who disobey
-A two-month jaunt to see the world
-All my friends meeting their basherts right away

But I'll settle for:
-Peace in Israel and happiness for all
-A few bucks (Come ON!!!!)
-Some Godiva truffles
-An audience with Napolean Dynamite

Thanks for listening, H.H. I have complete emunah that you will read this letter and make all my wildest dreams come true.

And, if not, I know that Pedro from Napolean Dynamite will.

Frailecha smoochies,
The Jumpin' Jewess of the Duchy of the Upper West Side

Latkes
Ingredients:
2 potatoes peeled
1 small onion peeled
2 eggs
3 tbsp. milk (regular on non-dairy)
2 tbsp. melted butter or margarine
1/4 cup flour
1/2 tsp. salt
black pepper
oil, for frying

Instructions:
Grate potatoes and onions into a medium-sized mixing bowl.
In another bowl add eggs, milk and melted butter and blend.
Then add flour, salt and pepper and process to mix.
Pour over potatoes and onions and stir to mix.
Drop by quarter cupfuls on a prepared griddle or skillet.
Spread to make a 4" pancake.
Cook until brown on both sides, turning.
Serve with: sour cream, applesauce or even ketchup!

How Rabbi Feivel F. Shimmelstinfarb Will Save New York from the Great Satan (i.e. the Metropolitan Transit Authority)

Young children, even something as mundane as a phone call can be exalted and gevaldic! Witness this blessed event - surely a sign that our prayers are being answered:

Recruiter: Hello, is this Rabbi Shimmelstinfarb? Rabbi Feivel Shimmelstinfarb?
Feivel: Yes, it is I, Rabbi Feivel F. Shimmelstinfarb.
Recruiter: The Shimmelstinfarb of Transylvania?
Feivel: Yes, the von and only.
Recruiter: Well, Rabbi, I'm Ronny 'Baby' Chikelstein from Karma Associates, and have I got a proposition for you!
Feivel: Excuse me, vat? Did you say 'Baby'?
Recruiter/Baby: Yes, that's what everyone calls me. You know, 'nobody puts Baby in the corner?'
Feivel: I know of no such thing.
Baby: That's fine. Regardless, we here at Karma would like to verify that you are the Rabbi that cursed the Kennedys? You were recommended highly by Choni Ha'Maagel.
Feivel: Yes, it was I.
Baby: Really great work there, Rabbi Shimmelstinfarb, really top notch. I mean that Joe was such a crude womanizer and the rest of the lot just can't be trusted. Although it was a shame about handsome JFK Jr....
Feivel: Thank you G'veret Chikelstein. Vile I appreciate your inquiry, I am pressed for time - I was just about to attend to a double pastrami sandwich and-
Baby: Oh, I'm so sorry, I do tend to run on. Anyway, Rabbi, excellent deliverables with the Kennedy curse. Just the kind of outside the box thinking we're looking for at Karma Asssociates. Anyway, I assume you've heard about the MTA strike?
Feivel: I've heard of no such thing!
Baby: Really? That's odd.
Feivel: Does the MTA attend the Young Israel of Redwood?
Baby: No, they don't. Curious. Actually, they are an evil, greedy transit organization with evil, greedy workers that walked off the job and are forcing New Yorkers to walk miles outside in the bitter cold just to get to work, just because they want to retire at 55.
Feivel: Oy vey zmir! Ve should never know from such things!
Baby: Exactly, Rabbi, exactly. Which is why we here at Karma were wondering if you would be interested in cursing the MTA?
Feivel: This is a serious ma'aseh, so please confirm - just how evil is the MTA?
Baby: So evil that they don't care if all New Yorkers get pneumonia and die from exposure, as long as they get their 8% raise. Also, when they are on the job, they get a kick out of closing doors in people's faces and have now outlawed food on the subway.
Feivel: Outlawed food on the subways??? That is utterly despicable! Ms. Tinoket, you may count me in your venture. (RAISES VOICE): With G-d's help, they will all be shoveling coal in Siberia by Chratzmach!! May they all suffer from the most painful hemmoroids that even Preparation H can't cure!!!
Baby: Rabbi Shimmelstinfarb, we are so grateful. You may stand assured that you will be well compensated with all the pastrami sandwiches and kigel you could ever want. I think this is the beginning of a long and fruitful zivug. We'll get the letter of agreement out to you ASAP.
Feivel: Vonderful. Just one thing - what is ASAP?

Paging JewYorkCity, Paging JewYorkCity

For the love of knaidels, look what you've done to us!




What has happened to our comrade in arms, JewYorkCity? Although he is the pioneering writer of this brilliant, incredible blog that is beloved by billions, he is suddenly missing in (what we hope is the middle of hot) action.

JewYorkCity, come back and let us know how to finagle a bagel! This city is too rough without you and we are itching for some news on the lastest Jewish celebs that have installed double sinks in their kitchens!

In the immortal words of Ari Gold: Let's hug it out, bubbelleh!

One DR closes, another DR opens

I think the Almighty has been (l'havdil) reading my rants, since the abandonement of one DR (the hideous and flourescently lit Duane Reade) has resulted in my entrance to another, far superior DR (the beautiful and sunlit Dominican Republic)!

Seriously, campers, the JumpinJewess has been having a rough couple of weeks, so the fact that I finalized my vacation yesterday for almost a full week in a tropical paradise far, far away from any strike issues and the Upper West Side (mea culpa, but ya know what I mean, fo'shizzle?) is really a G-dsend. Please try to be happy for me and not too jealous, and think of me fondly in early January when I jet off with my two wonderful girlfriends for some serious yaktime and downtime. I promise to send word to you, my lovely readers, and let you know if I meet any Dominicans of stature (or encounter any nasty Dominican drugstores).

I will definitely think of you fondly as I do the hora on some choice tables. Now, I just have to get through these next couple of weeks. Any suggestions?

Brokeback cowboys, come to my shul! I'll even pay for your memberships....

"I reckon there's a nice synagogue for us to make camp at in the distance....I heard their kiddish club has some good eats..."



(Kids in the truck): "Look at Shloime and Baruch. Aren't they nice? They had us over for an oneg last Friday night and made the best cholent. I surely am glad that they are part of our tzibur...."



I saw Bareback...er... Brokeback Mountain last night and all I can say is WOW. Run, run, run out to see this movie! Contrary to some naysayers, this is not a 'gay love story' but rather a universal love story that just happens to occur between two men. It was really passionate and emotional. It moved me and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Okay, this doesn't 'just happen' to any 'two men.' I have to say, these men were the hottest I have seen in a while and their chemistry in the love scenes between them sent my Yiddish blood pressure rising in a way that no straight movie/farbregen/piece of chocolate has been able to do in a while.

Granted, I am quite liberal, having lived in NYC my whole life, am friends/colleagues with people of all different types of persuasions, and just have an open mind, but all Yiddin should take this opportunity to assess their stance on homosexuality in the Jewish community. Really, what is so wrong with having a hot gay couple come to your shul? And if they took aliyahs without their shirts on, all the better!

Let's get serious for a (fleeting) moment. I really hope this will be another step in the 'Trembling Before G-d' direction and will promote some much needed understanding. Even if the gay people in your community aren't hot, let's be charitable, and say, so what? Why should Jewish gay people be ostracized just for acting on something that I truly believe is genetic? They really experience so much heartache in grappling with their identity, especially in the Orthodox community, that this is not a question of lifestyle choices. If this is who they are, I say accept them, and welcome them with open arms. Let them be a part of Am Yisroel and don't turn them away for just one thing - they may have wonderful middot (or hot pecs) and alot to contribute. Why is their soul any different from any other Jewish soul in its thirst for Yiddishkeit? And if you want to point fingers at people and send them to cherem, why don't you send that cheating schmuck on the shul board who blatantly committed gileui arayot or the upstanding putz who is not so quietly embezzelling their life away?

Now, back to the regularly scheduled program....Jake, Heath, you put my gatkes in a (Jack) twist. Please join OZ ASAP, just so I could have some much needed eye candy over the mechitza. I'll even sponsor a kiddish in your names....

Anyway, what's the worst thing that can happen -

This might lead to mixed dancing???

The MTA: What a bunch of Momzers!

Looks like those bozos at the MTA are going to strike again! Somehow, despite the fact that they have raised our fares day in and day out, there just isn't enough money to pay their workers. Hmm....puzzling, no?

I have to say, all this talk about MTA reminds me of an MTA I thought much about in my younger days...the lovely Marsha Stern Talmudic Academy. This high school was a bastion of learning that would make the Yeshivas at Frankfurt-au-Mein blush. The students were of such a high caliber, it was a blessing to witness. As a sister student going to Central, how I envied them their clandestine poker games in the bathroom, their marching in the Dominican Day Parade, their attendance at Grateful Dead Concerts in modest tie-dyed attire, their throwing a beach ball around during speeches, their rabid smoking, their close proximity to YU (or was it Y Me?) in beautiful and sunny Washington Heights! They even had access to the alluring hot tub in Rubin Hall. When it came time for the much heralded 'Central and MTA blind date,' I had such high hopes, I almost peed in my high school pants. Would I marry the beautiful bochur I was to be set up with? Would this be a shidduch that would make the angels sing?

Unfortunately, the girl who was doing the setups with some boy over in the land of MTA plenty was not fond of me. For some incredibly odd reason I will never fathom and still puzzle over to this day (it was such a puzzling enigma), she did not love my high school self and purposely set me up with a much shorter Yid. Luckily, he was a nice sort of fellow and it wasn't that bad. However, a marriage was not to be and our pair of star-crossed lovers was never more.

Despite this startling and monstrous disappointment, I still have such fond memories of the MTA of my youth. That is why I cry out now, "Curses be on you, evil Metro Authority! Can't you emulate the more gevaldic MTA high school and just give in???" Mayor Bloomberg, heed my primal cry!

Follow-Up Gloat: Duane Reade Gets Dinged!

After my cathartic rant against evil Duane and brother Reade (that was made all the better by the comment posted by a reader in solidarity), I must say that I was doubly pleased to see someone other than myself freak out at the Demon Drugstore. This lovely event occurred on Tuesday night, on the very day that I posted my timely post! I returned to pick up what I vowed was my final prescription, and was once again greeted by a line of weary and angry customers. Once there, I was made proud of a customer who also had reached her limit. After dealing with the particularly stupid and rude cashier (even less of a braniac than the usual DR Dumbos), she flipped out, demanded that the clerk apologize for her service and called over the manager to complain. I was kvelling!!! It was so nice to see someone other than myself actually do something about the pathetic service.

Unfortunately, I don't believe that any change will really be effected. Call me a cynic, but what do they care? The clerk made excuses, and the manager let it go. I left the air freshener I was going to buy at the counter (overpriced Oust - funny name though, no?), picked up my prescription and walked out in a huff. However, it was such fun to witness the Rumble in the Concrete Jungle! It really inspired me and when an evil bus driver almost missed my stop, I yelled that he should stop the damn bus!!! I'm tellin' ya, I was amazing.

In fact, I think this rage is going worldwide and heralds the coming of the Messiah! I can hear the trumpets now...

Genius Quote of the Day

"A man is more than the sum of his farts."

Has the author of this emesdica quote hung around Ali Baba lately?

RANT: Duane Reade: My Own Personal Gehennom

Call me Mr. Fromberg. I've had it! Since I moved into Manhattan from Queens, I have been a faithful patron of Duane Reade pharmacy (should the P be capitalized?). My first apartment, better known as a dorm, was located catty corner to the nearest location on Columbus between 90th and 91st. I knew the layout, they delivered my prescriptions to the (otherwise useless) doorman and I even saw Anna Pacquin withdrawing money from their ATM once. Basically, I had no problem with the chain. (Oh, except for the fact that the prices for products are utterly ridiculous and I've been going out of my way to CVS on Amsterdam to buy things.) But other than that, no problem, and they faithfully got my drugs to me in the time that any good addict (tee hee!) needs.

Things got a little harder when I moved to a few blocks over. I know, what's a few blocks? But my new building didn't have a doorman and I had to go in to pick up my prescriptions. Suddenly, visits to Duane Reade were less than magical. Somehow, there was always a bottleneck and a huge crowd of anxious people in the back, all pissed off because somehow DR had mangled their order. I dealt with it because the location was still close and I was too lazy to have my credit card/insurance card info transferred to another pharmacy.

Perhaps I should have been less lazy. Yesterday was the last straw. When I went in for a refill, I had to repeat my name and date of birth a million times, and the idiots behind the counter just couldn't get it together. I had a hint of why the service sucked- one of the clerks kept saying how it's almost time for her to go to bed. Oh, bless her heart! Then they finally said, after much prodding by me, that the medicine wasn't there. This was despite the fact that I had called it in and spoken to a human, who took my number and told me that they will call me if there are any problems. Of course, I received no such call. I finally threw a semi-fit and the pharmacist took pity on me, giving me a free sample until I could get the real deal. Even though he was nice, I had enough. NO MORE!!!

I guess this is for the best. Big DR has been proliferating like a freaking fungus, and are now a presence on every corner. In this process, they are driving non-chain, homey neighbrohood drugstores out of business. Normally, I really don't have what I will call 'citizens' ire,' or a desire to riot at the World Trade Organization summits, since I like big chains such as The Gap, Starbucks, Tarjay (LOVE), etc. However, DR has been irking the Queens girl in me. What if they made lovely Tru Care Pharmacy near my parents house go kaput, or the deliciously and Yiddishly named Shalom Pharmacy on good ol' Main St. meet their maker?*

So bye bye, Duane Reade. No more idiotic displays, illogical aisles or slow burns for me. I'm off to bigger and better things (Rite Aid, which is near my house too)!

That is, until I get this last prescription. It's just so easy.....

*Even though CVS could be seen as driving these drugstores out of business, at least they're fairly priced and don't have an annoying jingle that they keep playing over the loudspeakers ("Everywhere you go - Duane Reade!!!" Yes I know, for the love of G-d).

Indecisive Rant: Plastic Surgery - Never! Plastic Surgery - Perhaps?

This morning, as I was hurriedly applying my makeup (and doing a terrible job of it, I might add; I just can't master that Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner), I turned on the Today Show for a little AM pick-me-up. I've only recently turned back to them since it's become widely known that Katie Couric and Matt Lauer have ego problems and dominate the segments, instead of interviewing their guests. I actually (gasp!) turned the channel a while ago to their competitors, Diane Sawyer, et al at Good Morning America.

This morning, however, I gave them a chance and saw that Katie had two celebrity guests discussing how 50 might be the new 30. (I was excited since I am all for that - I just turned 28 and would love if it is the new forever 21!) The illustrious Cheryl Tiegs and the lovely Christie Brinkley were talking about how scientific advances and more knowledge about health allow women to live longer, healthier, more beautiful lives! The discussion was going well, and all three ladies were having a blast. At one point, however, Christie made the mistake of saying how topical creams such as Cover Girl (who she models for - brand whoring anyone?) deflect light off wrinkles and can be a wonderful substitute for plastic surgery.

Katie Couric clutched her pearls at this and took over as she has been wont to do. Being against plastic surgery herself, why should a woman even have to fight or cover her wrinkles, which are a wonderful sign of the wisdom she has gained through a long life? It was all over - she was on a rampage, and barely let the women answer from that point. Katie, sorry, but last year, you were widely rumored to change your hairstyle to one with bangs to cover your tender brow lift!!! At this point, I scolded myself for even turning back to Today. Christie Brinkley herself looked like she had been hitting the Botox needle, for the love of Shmendrik!

However, I must admit that I am not completely against plastic surgery. I was a bit turned off by Cheryl - while she had a lustrous mane of healthy blond hair, she did look rather wrinkly. And even though I can't ever imagine myself getting Botox (why would I willfully seek out something that PARALYZES my nerves???), I could see myself getting a little lift and wee tuck here and there when the time comes. After all, I have to please my fans, don't I???

I think this was the case of the medium versus the message. I concluded that:
Plastic Surgery: Possible! For as my Jewish mother taught me, I do want to be a sheinah meidel, and not a meiskeit. However, I can't forgive Katie for her blatant sheker, so sorry:
Katie Couric: Never!

(Now, if only Diane Sawyer weren't looking so plastic....Al Roker is starting to look good in his au natural state....)