Will the Donald hire someone who has to leave early on Fridays?

So, Apprentice 5 began last night, and Jewish blogs all over cyberspace are reporting on the closely watched 2 Ortho-candidates The Donald has chosen from the million or so applicants.

Dan, left, (YU graduate-turned-Teaneck-living-husband) and Lee, right, (HAFTR-going-5-towner) are now in the pool of the rest of the really-goyish-looking cast. Currently, they are on the same team. This should be interesting to see (the mean-girls in me wants to see them rival each other, heh heh).

Lee looks like he can play the kid on Sopranos who keeps getting arrested for drugs and Dan seems like he should be on the cover of a Harlequin novel with his shirt slung over his halfy-bared-shaved chest. But, kudos to these two shul-going yids for making it this far.

We look forward to seeing their progress.

Breaking News: Burqa-Clad Woman Unknowingly Wears Flowery Purim Costume and Brings Hope of Peace to the Middle East

"Do ya think I'm sexy?"






In a move that will probably cement better Arab-Israeli relations, burqa-clad Mupjeet Al'haCamel of Nablus (that's Shchem to you, motherchucker!) donned a flowery, purple Purim costume today. "I thought this flower was pretty and put it on," Al'haCamel intoned. "My burqa needed jazzing up and I'm tired of wearing Jimmy Choos beneath it. This is an outer statement that will really make a splash."

Despite the fact that it appears that she has no idea of the magnitude of what she has done, Acting Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and The Spiritual Head of Hamas siezed upon this daring display of brotherhood and met today to share a plate of chummous at the El-Syria on the Mount youth hostel in the Old City of Jerusalem. "Even though I still think that Jews are money-grubbing, land-hungry infidels that must be driven to the sea, I see nothing wrong with slathering some dip on a pita with them," stated The Spiritual Leader, awash in gray-white robes. "Mar Olmert and I found common ground in our love of za'atar and the fact that he thinks I resemble a Lord of the Rings character. I've always thought that too, so it was cool to hear someone say it! I think I might issue a spiritual decree that everyone see that epic."

As a result of this historic move, shares of Sabra Salads went up five points on the Dow Jones industrial average.

All the Jews in NYU

Washington Square News reports that there are up to 12,500 Jews in NYU, making it one of the most Jewish college campuses in the USA! Not exactly sure why I'm posting this... it shouldn't be so shocking that there ... are ... so ... many ... Jews ... in ... an ivy ... league .... college .... in .... New... York... City!

Saudi man forced to marry goat; now he knows how we feel

BBC reports today that a Saudi man caught knocking up his goat has been forced to marry him/her/it. Besides for laughing my ass off (pun intended), I can only think.... "Not he knows how we feel!"... forced to marry at young ages to men and women we may have only met once or twice.... atleast he got to experience physical intimacy with her prior to marriage. I wonder if she'll wear a burqa.

My Horrific, Typical Experience at a Kosher Restaurant - Only Jews Would Put Up With Such Shtus

Picture it: Sunday night. Like the good sis that I am, I whoosh over to the island of Manhattan on a ferry from the remote wilds of New Jersey, rushing from a friend's event to get to my brother's birthday dinner. (Despite the fact that the actual day was a month ago - happy b-day bro!) Slightly disoriented by the preponderance of trees, grass and civilians in cars in the Garden State, I was glad to be back on my home turf.

That is, until I set food in the Restaurant Which Shall Remain Nameless.

Now, I know the masses were hungry, and no one gets between a Jew and their food. But there was no excuse for the absolute crush of humanity clamoring to get a table in this busy, dark and incredibly loud establishment. And did I mention that it was expensive?

The food was 'eh,' the atmosphere was 'Brooklynie' and there were chicken bones in my pot pie. The best part was dessert - molten chocolate cake can sit at my table (and later, on my butt if not exercised away - for shame!) any day. In short, when a bunch of tourists from Atlanta unknowingly stumbled on the place and asked if they should eat there (thinking it was a REAL dining establishment), I quickly interjected in a deadpan voice, "Do NOT go in there. It's overpriced and overcrowded."

Now, I hate to take away business from a fellow Jew, but I don't think they're hurting. And I'd like to think that I saved those nice ol' Southerners a headache and a hunk of change. In short, I think I'll be knocking at Bubby's door to satisfy my epicurian(ous?) needs from now on.

Mid-Morning Mishcababel: Obscenely Easy Blind Items

All Upper West Side, baby:

#1: Which Italiana pizzeria better improve its food, and fast? While the surly father and son team trumpet that they are 'open', they have always produced pizza that has been compared to cardboard. We think the new stuff might not even be made of molecules.

#2: Which James Tower, WWF-loving doorman is obsessed with the 'end greeting'? While residents first enjoyed his heartfelt wishes to 'Have a very good time' when they left, the constant barrage of good feeling is leaving them a bit grouchy.

#3: Which shul is so anal and Yeccish that they have ushers to lead people forcibly to their seats? While their top hats are jaunty, they are taking themselves a bit too seriously.

#4: Which brilliant, blonde blog-writer is obsessed with Nick Lachey? While she knows he isn't a Yid, she admires his regular-guy personality, ability to fix things and hot pecs, and hopes that he will give her 'one night in Paris.' (Although she would rather not listen to his music.)

Lincoln, Cheney, Jewish trees and St Valentines...and it's only Tuesday!

Saturday - Dick shoots his wad
Sunday - Lincoln's birthday
Monday - Jewish Arbor Day
Tuesday - St Valentine's Day

Wow - now as a damned good Jew, I have to sermonize and connect the above 4 consecutive occurrences and somehow tie it into this week's Parsha. Because I don't know this week's parshah, I'll have to just tie them to each other.

Veep Dick shoots a big load into his lawyer friend (come on, we've all wanted to shoot a lawyer or two at sometime), Lincoln GOT shot; Jewish Arbor Day really means nothing to me (i hate those damned fruit anyway) and St Valentines is for the goyim!

So, I have no real way to connect these 4 random occurrences... Though, Dick shooting, Abe being shot on, trees being phallic and Valentine's day being the "friday night" of the goyim is all kinda relative.

To All Those With a Lonely Hearts Hangover

Who loves you, baby?

Soap Star (Silk?) Stalking - JumpinJewess Embarrasses Herself Once Again, and Loves It!

Another Sat. night, another marginal celeb sighting. Unfortunately, I did not meet another porn star with XL cojones, but this was fine for the neighborhood hangout.

So, I'm at Prohibition to say goodbye to a good friend who is making Aliyah (she will be missed), an always fun and raucous bar with a live band. (Very good this week - great lip curling by the lead singer and killah Bon Jovi, Guns 'N' Roses song selection.) As I headed to the back for the party, I noticed a preponderance of fellow revelers with obvious plastic surgery and pretty, artificial looks, but I just wrote it off. NY is Botox-Land after all.

However, my more eagle-eyed friend arrived and told me that the plastic people were indeed soap stars. Hurrah! Let the stalking begin - off I went. However, the main guy we wanted to see, who was supposedly HAWT, seemed to have left. I was mildly disappointed; it would have been fun to meet him but what do I care about soaps, fa'shizzle? I'm much too busy watching 'The UFO Files' to care and anyhoo, just who is home in the middle of the day?

Despite my silly attempt at pretending I didn't care, you can imagine my joy when we bumped into a bona fide soap star - one Michael Easton - on our way to the bathroom. He was smoldering, as a soap star should be, with flared nostrils, a faux bad-ass leather jacket, and fluffy bad-boy hair. Of course, I pranced right over to him and literally said:

JJ: (in purr) "Hiiiiiiiiii......I'm JJ and this is my friend. We tried to stalk you upstairs and were foiled. And now here you are!"

Michael took it remarkably well and I sashayed off, pleased with my new connection to the soap world. Turns out though, that despite his good looks, he wasn't the original soap star (supposedly '100 times cuter' according to my friend) I tried to locate. Good heavens - how will I survive???? In the meantime, I will stare obsessively at Michael's fan pic and hope that through the sheer force of my will, he will magically appear at my door tonight, with a bouquet in one hand, Gan Asia in the other, telling me I am his Yiddishe Valentine.

Lisa Loeb is NOT a Shul Hopper - At Least Not in That Thong

Warning: Tznius police might want to skip this entry.









Last night, in an attempt to find out what all the (JewYorkCity-generated) hubbub is about, I tuned into the E!!!!! Channel to check out 'Number 1 Single,' the show about a nebbichy Lisa Loeb and her search for a good zivug. Despite her screechy song (You saaaaaaay....) which I've never quite recovered from hearing, I was rooting for her to find love, or at least lust, with a nice bochur. All was going swimmingly, and I was enjoying the pageantry:

Lisa goes on a date to the doughnut shop and stuffs her face!
Lisa has Shabbos dinner with a chassidish family and attempts to get a shidduch!
Lisa disses the 'doughnut date' that sells the story to Page Six!
Lisa walks in an Issac Mizrahi fashion show, and while getting ready, happily prances about in a black thong that show off her white, Yiddishe butt cheeks!

STOP!!

I don't know about you, but the sight of that pasty tuchus made me embarrassed for Lisa. Darling, if you want to get a date, do not bare it all prior to the first date for a national audience to see. As our sainted sages have said, 'Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?' (Especially applicable in this case because her tushy was so glaringly white, like milk.)

In any case LL (not Lindsay, who is still recovering from her teacup mishap, but Ms. Tush-a-Loeb) - I've never seen such a sight in my synagogue, nor do I want to. Back off slowly, and put the buttocks away. Thanks, and I look forward to a wonderful television viewing relationship with you.

A Nice Jewess Meets a Porn Star

Saturday night...yawn. What to do, what to do? Since I am the faboo JJ, I grabbed a few of my lovely girlfriends and headed down to the Meatpacking District. We were such a trendy bunch. Jaws dropped when we hit Pastis, home of the beautiful people. Though no celebs were sighted, it actually has a great bar scene.

So great, in fact, that I might have met a porn star - a Mr. Lance Romance. A whole group of rowdy Australians corralled us and claimed to be the Investor, Producer, etc. in a Vivid video. Since I am well-read, I happen to know that Vivid is the top of the porno heap. I almost plotzed with excitement! Imagine my ecstacy when I found out that a porn STAR (ahem - actor -it is a craft after all) was among us. Yes, his friends trumpeted, Mr. Lance Romance, gay icon, was in the house.

Lovely Lance was a bit portly, definitely sh%^-faced, but perfectly nice. I wasn't sure if they were pulling a prank on us, but we went along for the ride. After all, how often do I get to be in the presence of someone who claimed he was known for having the biggest (how do I say this nicely?) beach balls in the industry? We conversed for quite a while but I finally had enough. Just how much can a nice Jewish girl take????

Today, in an attempt to find out if Mr. Crocoball Dundee was legit, I googled him. He didn't look like any of the pics at the Lance Romance fan sites, but could he have gained alot of weight? Did I meet a scion of sex, or did I not?

I guess it will remain one of the great mysteries of my life. However, whether or not it was true, you can bet I went home and disinfected my hand after he shook it.

Kwame Jackson and JumpinJewess... separated at birth?!?

As our very own Jumpin Jewess noted just a few days earlier re: her little taboo snafu on the Kosher Rodeo Drive of Teaneck, NJ... I see in today's Page Six, yet another D-list celebrity (SorryJJ, we aren't up there yet) harassing counterpeople for returns.

SHADY RETURN
DID Donald Trump teach him to be such a cheapskate? "The Apprentice" finalist Kwame Jackson tried to return a bag of old clothes last week at the Tommy Hilfiger department in Bloomingdale's. A shocked spywitness snickers, "The nerve on this guy. He walked in confidently and had this big bag full of dirty clothes with no tags on them. Some of the stuff was three years old. And he asked for a refund or store credit like he'd bought them yesterday. The worst part was he brought a girl with him who looked embarrassed to be there." When the manager declined to accept the return, Jackson replied, "Guess I'll take them to the homeless shelter." At least he's charitable.

JumpinJewess, the children of the Goddard Community Center would have been fed for weeks with your return.

Attention store managers in the world all over: Beware of JumpinJewess and Kwams.

seeking Jewish improv artists

Seeking Jewish Improvers to form group

New Shabbat-keeping improv group being formed in NYC! Seeking creative and energetic Heebs with any amount of long-form improv training/experience to form a Jewish improv team with an amazing producer (and we already have space to rehearse/perform!).

The objective of this group is mainly to have fun and explore Jewish subjects through improvisation. Performance opportunities will be available in the near future.

Auditions required for all new members. Please email a short description of your improv background and your contact information.

Contact:
Jayson Littman
jayson.littman@mac.com
(212) 316-4838

So THAT'S What They're Calling It These Days - Lindsay Lohan, Thanks for Cluing Me In

It is with utmost sadness and prayers for a refuah shelaimah that I report that a certain accident-prone miss, Lindsay Lohanstein herself, has once again been injured. No, it is not:
-asthma
-exhaustion
-car accidents during escape from the papparazi
-eating issues
-removal of implants

Instead, Ms. LL has been injured by an unruly teacup!!!! I mean, that happens to all of us, right? We're staying at Bryan Adam's house, we take a shower and slather ourselves with lotion, we get our bacon and eggs on fine china in a tray and go up the long and winding staircase to bring up to our hungry friends. And - whoops! Our Lenox teacup goes flying into our shin and suddenly we need 10 stiches. We can all relate.

I must admit, however, that upon further reflection, the detective in me realized that perhaps, perhaps this little accident was a euphamism for something else. Could a pharmaceutical have been involved (gasp)??? Is 'teacup' the new word that hep cats are using for ____? (The Yiddishe Mama in me will not let me blog it.) Did the missy's use of this pharmaceutical impair her ability to transverse the stairs (although they might have been particularly spirally in good ol' Bryan's house)?

Suffice is to say, I now feel cooler since I know the new slang. Thanks, Linds, for the lesson. On a more serious note, I hope you finally learned YOUR lesson to stay away from the stuff, although I am doubtful. Your mom and rep are covering for you, when they should be intervening. True prayers should go out to this 'little girl lost' before it's too late.

A prayer also for the newly-puffy Jared Leto, who has defiled his buff bod (the dream of my high school days!) by gaining a gazillion pounds to play the guy who shot John Lennon.