Most Likely To Be Banging His Head Against The Wall Right Now -

Hoping to be inflicting pain:

Steve Nash, of the Phoenix Suns.

Nebuch.

On Music: I'm Going to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Nyah Nyah Nyah

Hello kiddie-poos, momma is going to see the Y's times 3 on Tuesday night. Don't be jealous that you are not as relevent or hip as me - we can't all be this fabulous. Actually, I just recently got introduced to their music and am quite relieved to finally be availing myself of this past wave of music, which I almost missed. I just couldn't get into all these "The" bands - The: Hives, Killers, Strokes. I must admit that Jack & Meg White of (The) White Stripes are intriguing in an are-they-or-aren't-they-committing-incest as well as does-Jack-powder-his-face-with-Cover-Girl sort of way.

In any case, if you see me milling around Roseland on Tuesday night with a puzzled look on my face, you'll know it is I, Ms. JJ. As much as I've tried to familiarize myself with their stuff over the past few days, I have a feeling that I won't know much. Oh well, it will be amusing to search for SLEBs and get buzzed on some cheapo Thunderbird.

Ta ta for now, loveys. Oh yeah, mama saw Kim Basinger this past Sat. night. Don't be jealous of that either. I mean, really, don't be jealous. It was pretty boring.

The Tribeca Film Festival: A Shtetl Invaded by Jews With a Few Random Celebs Thrown In

Here I was this past Wednesday night, feeling oh-so-posh. My friend, a musician, did some work scoring the end theme of a film that was having its premiere at the Tribeca Film Festival. Once I heard that heiss (aka hawt) Peter Krause (aka Krau-za) of Six Feet Under fame was starring, I begged and wheedled and got my friend to take me along.

So, I got all dressed up, thinking I'm going to walk the red carpet and be mobbed by papparazzi, all wanting to know who the magnificent blond Jewess with the ghetto booty is. Excitement built as I ate a delish Viva dinner to fortify myself for the evening ahead.

The reality: quite another story. We got there and all these Jews I knew from the JupperWestSite (Jupper=Jew Yuppies) were milling around. Turned out the film was financed by one of our own and he had invited all of his compadres. There was no carpet for us to walk - we had to wait like the rest of the shlubs. Sitting in the theatre was like being in the Jewish Center, I kid you not, minus the top hats, anal Yecche ushers and with a few SLEBs thrown in.

So, the movie was pretty good although I felt the theme of 'post-9/11 paranoia causes us to accuse possibly innocent Islamic neighbor' was annoying. And getting told my Richard Schiff, the actor, that I had cold hands was interesting too. However, it was all worth it for:

1. My glimpse of the luscious Peter Krause for 2 seconds
2. Gawking at Michael Moore, who was hunched in a corner like an angry, obese, overgrown baby (can you tell I'm not too fond of him)
3. Seeing Kelli, the publicist from Lizzie Grubman's MTV show PowerGrrls and snickering to myself about the episode in which she stalked Paris Hilton and got called out on a blog for it (she was staring robotically at Paris and then-bf Nick Carter making out)

The afterparty at BED was meh. It all could have been a j-party at Loft for the crowd that was there. But still, I can say that I attended the festival and was on the list, so I guess I am faboo at the end of the day. In any case, it's almost Shabbos and I can see my Jewish Center peeps again, this time at the Jewish Center. And isn't THAT faboo?

Alert! Alert! Scarlett Johannson is filming at the Hungarian Pastry Shop!

For all you obsessive stalkers in the audience (come on, just admit it), ScarJo is currently filming "The Nanny Diaries" right off Columbia U. I just saw her on the quad and now's your opportunity! Her and (supposedly) Alicia Keyes will be filming inside the Hungarian Pastry Shop at about 2pm or so. Run as fast as your tushies can carry you and gawk away! Since I'm so helpful, here's the location: 1030 Amsterdam Avenue (between West 110th and 111th streets).

As for the woman herself, she unfortunately had her hair died brown for the role. However, she definitely had a presence about her, was curvaceous with a very pretty face and like all stars, sooooo petite. I consider her a great actress and a welcome departure from the plastic type that's popular these days, so hats off to Ms. Scarlett.

Caution: Concerts are Noisy, Bring Ear Plugs

Last night I took my parents to the Billy Joel concert (which was AWESOME by the way). It was my way of showing Hacarat Ha'Tov for all the great stuff they've done for me lately (and since I was a wee bebe really).

Well, it was a nice gesture but it was too bad about the music. It was just too loud for them; surprising that a concert would be a little noisy, wouldn't ya say? I was sad when I saw them scrunching up their faces and holding their hands over their ears.

My dad had a brilliant idea though - since he didnt know all the words and wanted to sing along, he thought that the concert should provide screens with the words streaming along ala karaoke. I thought that was a brilliant idea!

Despite all that, I think they enjoyed it, especially when a slightly geriatric Billy hoofed around the stage like a nimble billy goat to "Big Shot." (He is such an aged badass.) And I was proud of my parents that they were out so late on a weeknight (11pm).

*Okay, I feel bad. That was a little mean, but somehow I regress into a little brat when I'm around my parents. But in my (rationalizing) defense, isn't that a universal phenomenon?

Orthodox Shul Holding Auditions for Jewish Drag Queens...

Apparently, Congregation Oheb Zedek is holding auditions for drag queens on the Upper West Side!

Ok, maybe they're not exactly holding auditions for drag queens... but their announcement below is begging for some Young Jewish Professional (Shachris at 9:30 on Shabbos morning, btw) to audition (B'SD) all dragged out with the name Miss Sheguneh!

You can be the next Spice Shprintzeh in this GirlBand!
_________________________________________
Hi, everyone. Just a reminder for tonight's (female only) auditions (below).

Also watch for upcoming events for Yom Haatzmaut and throughout May...

-----------------------------------------

AFTER PESACH comes...

B'SD

Auditions! for OZ's very first

ALL FEMALE MUSICAL PRODUCTION!!!

If you like to ACT, SING, DANCE
or be involved in a theatre production in any way
(and are female!)

Please mark your calendar for
MONDAY, APRIL 24th, 6 - 8 pm, for
Auditions!
Congregation Ohav Tzedek ("O.Z.")
118 West 95th St.@ Columbus Ave.
1/9/2/3 to 96th&Bway or C/B to 96th&CPW

FYI Details:
*Monday rehearsals and mid-June performance
*Please prepare an a cappella music selection
(Omer halachot will be observed)
*Call Backs Tuesday 4/25, 9-10 pm
*Questions or trouble making Mon night? 917-686-1211 drozmr@yahoo.com
look forward to seeing you there and
CHAG KASHER VE SAMEACH!!!

Elderly Jewish Jews Smoke Up, But Find It Confusing (Jewish Jews = They Aint the Only Ones at Old Smokey)

Is it wrong that when I saw this headline, "Elderly Jews Wrestle With Drug Plans," I automatically assumed it was about Tanta Millie's love affair with marij-uana?? Or that I pictured Uncle Hymie having a heated arm wrestle with Chico, the loveable crack dealer next door, over who would get to eat the last marshmallow??

Nah, I think what's funnier are the quotes in the article - witness one aged Yid's complaint about how the overly complicated health care system* is hocking him a chainik:

"An 80-year-old can not figure this out," he said. “It doesn't make sense. It's too difficult for me, and I'm 62 and a lawyer."

Ya hear that? He's a LAWYER and he still can't figure it out. Jewish moms, what does this all mean?

Also, Tanta Millie? You can always find solace in food! Check out these great recipies for potnut butter sandwiches and Chocolate Brownie Oatmeal Canna-Cookies - Zaidy will definitely come a-chappin.

*But seriously folks - I'm not entirely devoid of compassion. I happen to be in the business and it is confusing and no way near ideal. But the lawyer jokes still need to be made.

Newsflash: Rabbis in Brooklyn forbid the name 'SURI' from newborns; Past 'SURI's' now known as Chaya Sarah

BROOLYN, New York, April 21 -- Rabbis in Brooklyn, NY recently declared the name 'SURI' to be banned from all religious Jewish baby-naming ceremonies in the New York State Metropolitan area. The reason? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have named their Tuesday-born baby girl "Suri". According to Cruise's publicist, the name "Suri" has its origins in Hebrew meaning "princess".

Though, according to new reports in Israel, locals there are baffled by it's meaning.

"Nobody here has ever really heard of it," an announcer on Israel's Army Radio said during a discussion Thursday. The Yediot Ahronot newspaper agreed in its half page splash on the celebrity birth.

"We seem to have learned a new Hebrew word and from Tom Cruise, no less," said a Channel 2 TV anchorman. (Source: ABC News)

Well, that's right. Suri is indeed a name used by Jews - though, not the Hebrew-speaking Israeli ones that Cruise's publicist stated.

Suri, actually a variation of the (biblical) name Sarah is derived from the pronunciation from Central European Jews from Hungary and Poland. This means, that Suri is not a common name in the State of Israel, but is commonly used in the riot-ridden neighborhoods of Boro Park and Flatbush, where many immigrants from Hungary and Poland settled after WWII.

Upon the completion of the Passover holiday, Rabbis in Brooklyn discovered through anonymous sources ("refrigerators" and "air conditioners") that TomKat indeed named their baby girl Suri. Local Rabbis immediately banned the name Suri from future daughters of Israel (and Brooklyn), however, allowed parents in the Five Towns to continue to name their baby girls Suri. Why? "Five Town parents tend to have other secular influences inside their homes, such as the internet, SpongeBob yarmulkas, and fluency in the English language. Further, parents in those communities name their children secular names like 'Josh' and 'Brandon' (lo oleinu)".

Current women and girls in Brooklyn with the name Suri are frantically calling their Rabbis to ask for guidance of what to do with their newly anointed Christian name.

"How will my children ever find a shidduch? Who will want to go out with someone who's mother is named Suri?! They'll question my Jewish lineage, my reputation and even worst - they'll wonder if I'm really Jewish at all!" Said a woman named Suri anonymously.

Rabbis suggest all "Suri's" in Brooklyn and Israel to have a kiddush this Shabbos in their local schuls and change their names to Chaya Sarah. Further, Rabbis request these women to go by the full name Chaya Sarah, thus someone may suspect that "Sarah" as a stand-alone name may formerly be a 'Suri'. Rabbis believe other TomKat gentiles would not name a child Chaya Sarah due to the difficulties the Gentiles have in actually pronouncing the "Ch" properly.

"This entire episode changes the face of American-Hungarian-Polish Jewry" says JewYorkCity blog writer JewYorker. "Up until this day, Brooklyn Jews did the opposite of what the Gentiles did. Now with Gentiles naming their children Suri's and Moses, Jews will be naming their children Angelina and Billy Bob. It's like we're wearing our parents clothes."

We anticipate a 2028 wedding of the MoSuri union.

Scientology Superstar Tom Cruise Goes Chassidish

After my non-stop disgust-tinged coverage of Tom Cruise's antics around his fem-bot Kate's pregnancy, I would be remiss if I did not report that the Psycho Scientologist has named his new alien unit daughter 'Suri.' Yes, that's right, CHASSIDISH, FRUMMY name SURI.

The Cruise Camp stated that they chose this moniker since it 'means "princess" in Hebrew and "red rose" in Persian.' Having a sister named Sarah, I can back up it means princess, but what the heck are those freaks doing dabbling in Hebrew???

Are they renouncing L. Ron, Dianetics, Silent Birth, couch jumping, e-meters, and the entire sci-fi genre to become part of the Chosen People? Can we expect to have these walking mutations enter the Jewish gene pool?

Nah, I believe this is only the latest stunt in bizarro celeb baby naming. Gwynnie did Moses, so Mr. Mission Impossible had to top her with Suri. And what a good job! He picked a name that us Yiddies in the City snicker at as old fashioned, along the lines of Hencha, Chaya Mushka, etc.

Good job, psychos! From now on, I will refer to the whole mishpacha as KrazyKat and FrummySuri. And I'll close with my sister's* comment on the whole affair, "Next year they'll have another kid and name him Yonkeleh. And - Shandeh!!! - they STILL won't be married."

*A real Sarah

Tom Cruise Does It Again - Passover Placenta Edition

Hot off the presses! Tom Cruise is not only the most meshiga non-mentsch in the whole wide world, he will also traumatize his spawn the second they hit the ground. What I mean by this is (get ready): Tom is planning to eat his precious (loooong overdue) baby's placenta!! Of course, this will nullify all good the baby gains by coming into the world in silence.

Here are his exact words, in which he 'jokes':"I'm going to eat the placenta...I thought that'd be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there."

Yup, you heard me right, darlings. Nothing provides nourishment like a steamy, gooey placenta. Tom, maybe some hot, crusty bread would go especially well with that? Mmmmm.....bread. Now, I know we're all sick of matzoh, but don't go getting any sick ideas. (Me included - must not eat placenta, must not eat placenta...)

Matzohrama...

It's official -

I've turned into a CARB.

Two key suspects in killing of French Jew turn themselves in to police

In a shocking (but necessary) departure from my usual snark, I am actually reporting on some non-pop culture news. According to Ha'aretz, the French police have actually gotten off their butts and arrested two major players in the horrific, anti-semitic slaying of a young Jewish man (with his whole life in front of him, as my mother would say).

As background, authorities found 23-year-old Ilan Halimi naked, handcuffed and covered with burn marks near railroad tracks in the Essonne region south of Paris on February 13. He died on the way to the hospital after being held captive for more than three weeks. Critics accused police of initially ignoring anti-Semitic motives in the crime, which caught the attention of senior government officials and prompted fear of renewed anti-Semitism in France. French police have arrested 18 people in the investigation.

Sorry to depress you, dear readers, but anti-semitism is alive and well, and we all should be doing something about it. I am saying this to myself the most, since my cushy life permits me very little time to think of world events. But this is way beyond Freedom Fries - it's very dangerous to be Jewish in France these days, both because of the menace of a certain population as well as the inaction of police.

In closing, let me leave you with this hard core message: Prison is too good for these f**ers. Let's nuke the bastards.

Gwyneth Pops Out a Moses; World Sighs at Absence of Fruit

Please join us in wishing Gwyneth "Fish Stick" Paltrow a mazel tov in popping out little minnow Moses Martin.

We knew Gwynnie was turning into a Jew when she resolved to fast on Rosh HaShana, but we are even more pleasantly surprised that she chose to forgoe the obvious "Feivish Pear" or "Banana Bochur" fruit reference in homage to our leader this upcoming Passover.

Best wishes to doting daddy Chris (time to drop the shaygetz, Gwynnie) and adoring sis Apple Martini.

Voodoo Jew

"Please make that asinine Yonkel stop calling me..."



Interesting concept for a book.

I had originally thought that millions of Jews on the Upper West would qualify as voodooiennes for sticking pins in dolls of their exes. However, as the author, a Madame Dread explains, voodoo is very much misunderstood.

She should know, since "She attended a five-day traditional ceremony and while dancing, was surprised at her writhing bodily reactions, as though spirits possessed her. "

Nothing like a writhing voodoo Jew.

those crazy frum sex slaves in flatbush.....

....always looking for dominant Masters on Erev Pesach..... though, I think its pretty racist to exclude women and ashkenazim. but maybe he wants to keep it tznius..... click here - i cant seem to hyperlink this dirty post:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/m4m/149683762.html

Look what Shmuely Boteach is up to these days!

whoa - this dude has got his own TLC show ... those Lubavitchers are really hitting it up!

It's worth going to the link just to see Rabbi Shmuely in his little animated car...

Lazy Vegetarian with Herpes Seeks Bashert

From Craig'sList Missed Connections - don't stampede all at once:

Spiritual single jewish guy seeks soulmate - m4w - 44
Veggie lover who lacks life goals but loves to travel and looking for friends. Herpes A++.

Thanks, B
this is in or around Upper West Side (ed: shocking)

Gotta love the herpes! Contact this metziah at: pers-148254559@craigslist.org

TrendWatch: Boro Park is the new black!

Hear ye, hear ye Boro Park Jews - your beards are NOW IN STYLE!! Better go quickly shave them off!!!!

Donald Trump needs a new wig...

...Yet he doesn't seem to give a fig.

Here are some other obvious, rhyming observations from the completely random (today) Jumpin Jewess:

-Chocolate is good,
-Sukkahs are made of wood.

-Saddam Hussein is bad,
-Faucet filters were a stupid Jewish fad.

-Ashton Kutscher is a big punk,
-Lil' Kim has junk in her trunk.

-Fishnet stockings are hot,
-The girl from "A Small Wonder" was a robot.

-Skeletons are made of bones,
-I want to kill Star Jones.

-When it gets hot, we tend to perspire,
-'Someone' at the Young Israel needs to retire. **blind item alert**

-April is known for its rain,
-In my elementary school (YCQ) cafeteria, they served chow mein.

-Viva Pizza is yummy,
-When Pesach is over, I will have an ache in my tummy.

What the hell happened in Boro Park last night?!?

The front page of the Daily News reports on a 75-year-old Hasid dude who was "allegedly" roughed up by the NYPD after being stopped for talking on his cell phone while driving, and then refusing to cooperate with cops when asked for his documentation. I'm sooooo dissecting this news article, so here goes:

"The wild protests flared shortly after 6:30 p.m., when police pulled over 75-year-old Arthur Schick for allegedly talking on his cell phone while driving in Borough Park."

Why is Arthur Schick the only Boro Parker that does not have a headset? Don't they have cell phone stores on every block on 13th Avenue?!?!?

"Cops said Schick - whose family founded the neighborhood institution Schick's Bakery - became belligerent and refused to hand over his license and registration, leading officers to arrest and handcuff him."

Ok, people - this man did wrong! And Schick's Bakery products are way too expensive....! He deserved to be arrested and handcuffed. He's lucky he wasn't shot (their stuff is sooooo expensive!).

"Two men tried to interfere with the bust - one allegedly jumping on a cop's back - and ended up under arrest themselves. Witnesses said enraged Hasidim surrounded a nearby squad car, and cops in riot gear quickly swarmed in."

These two guys should be shot.

"As rumors spread through the crowd that Schick had been beaten, tensions escalated and hundreds of people in traditional black garb poured onto 16th Ave. from 46th to 50th Sts. They set fire to old magazines, fruit boxes and other trash up and down the avenue."

Why are they always wearing "traditional black garb"? Can we please finally call it what it is? A BEKESHA?!?!?! And there's ALWAYS "hundreds of people" pouring onto 16th Ave.... maybe, Brenda's was having a warehouse sale? They set fire to "old magazines" - what type of magazines would be found on 16th Ave?!?!? We know that's a lie.... Boro Parkers dont read US Weekly or InTouch - so maybe the fire was to burn Indian idolatrous wigs. (thank G-d they burnt the trash - 16th Ave is probably actually clean now).

"Firefighters raced to put out at least seven blazes and water down the streets."

"Water" down the streets?!?!?!? Holy hell - I hope they used certified Kosher filtered water without crustaceans!!!

"But protesters didn't heed the warnings and ran through the streets, some yelling, "Nazi Germany!" at the officers"

Oh people - 16th Avenue is not nearly like Nazi Germany. Let's stop playing the "Nazi Germany" card (and by the way, start buying fucking Mercedes' already).

"I started running, too. I was almost knocked over," said Esther Kroynik, 20, who had to scale a waist-high fence to avoid the mobs."

Thank goodness Esther was wearing her bullet-proof stockings to protect her from the barbed-wire fences on the fence she had to scale. I hope no Yoeli's were there to look up her floor-sweeping denimmed skirt.

"I could see his hearing aid, and he wasn't hearing them," said Joey Weiss, 26. "He was asking them, 'What's going on? What did I do wrong?' "

So, exactly, why was this non-hearing man driving? And why is Joey telling the Daily News reporter his name is Joey, when we all know it's really Yossele?!

"They treated us like we were dangerous," said Yidi Klein, 31. "It was like the middle of the war, but they made the mess."

Yidi - you ARE dangerous!! And you were not in any war, so how do you know what "it was like". Arthur is driving with his cell-phone when he can't hear, Joey set fires on 16th Avenue with old magazines (Shomrim is currently investigating who owned these magazines), Schick's is way overpriced and Esther had to scale a fence. Seems like chaos to me

General Passover Angst

--> I suspect I might need more than 4 cups of wine to get me through 8 days with the mishpacha.


I don't know about the rest of you Jewkids in the blogosphere, but the advent of Passover/Pesach is causing much agita in my breast (that was poetic, you pervs). For the longest time, I couldn't decide if I should do the whole heave-ho and clean my apartment so I could come home for Chol Ha'Moed and the Second Days (thereby avoiding the inevitable 'I'm so sick of my family I could die' rage).

However, I finally decided that the hours saved by not scrubbing, searching for crumbs and foiling the whole damn place were worth more than the hours of angst to come, so I am going with my darling family to my cousins in Joysey (aka Jersey) for the First Days and then heading back to my childhood home of Queens for the rest of the entire chag.

I would be lying if I didn't say that I was apprehensive about what is sure to be a hideous commute to work (1 hour via car, bus & subway), especially when compared to my current 5-10 minutes. I also would be Fibber McGee if I said I wasn't worried about answering annoying questions and just dealing with my parents and sibs. But I have to admit that a feeling of excitement is growing in my heart. My parents have all On Demand channels and I will get to watch them at my will! Hellloooo, L Word reruns!

In that religious spirit, I bid you all good Pre-Passover luck in cleaning up your chametz-filled abodes. May you be infused with love of G-d, freedom, and On Demand in this festive season.

How the hell is this OnlySimchas couple doing this?

Ok - this is the most talented OnlySimchas.com couple to lets-get-as-close-as-possible-without-touching-picture picture. This Ari Rabinowitz is one-talented fucker.... somebody get him a bottle of V8.

Wardrobe Malfunction: Lindsay Lohan's Tush is Showing!

Our favorite mess-about-town, the affectionately named Lindsay Lohanstein, has done it again. Having flashed her chesty virtues one time too many, it was high (snicker) time to take it the next level.

As such, LL flashed her white tushy to a bunch of little squirts at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. (Perhaps she was actualizing dear, departed Chef's dream to "make sweet love to all the children.")

We're too Yiddishe and tznius of a blog to post the picture here, but we appreciate a good butt baring as much as your average goy, so get ready to toss your Stella Doro cookies here.

Mating Call for all Singles

Listen up, all you people who RSVP M______ = Ms. or Mr. 1 (i.e. singles, us among you)! We felt so gosh darn good about featuring Amishav's western mug (in the hopes that his bashert would see it and swoon) that we would like to extend the same courtesy to all of you.

If you would like to be featured in the same way, by bravely sending us your picture and description of yourself and what you're looking for, we'd be happy to post it. We'll crown you the Hawt Single of the Week and maybe you'll be famous!

All those interested, please email jewyorkcity@gmail.com. We're serious!

TomKat won't eat Unkosher Donuts!

New York Mag has a hysterical article about a Staten Island Rabbi who has been granting a "kosher" certification to Dunkin' Donuts franchises that serve bacon, ham, and sausage - oh wait, "the meats come all prepackaged" and "the employees have to wear gloves". So, kinda ok.

Have no fear Ortho-Jews, this rabbi has been fired. Though, he leaves by yelling "I know a lot of people with beards who go into my stores".

"Beards"? - is the rabbi talking about other Rabbis, or women who marry gay men? Now, Im totally confused. Does this mean that TomKat eat kosher or that they don't frequent restaurants open on Shabbos?!?!? Someone clear this up.... please!!!!

...only in Staten Island....