What the hell happened in Boro Park last night?!?

The front page of the Daily News reports on a 75-year-old Hasid dude who was "allegedly" roughed up by the NYPD after being stopped for talking on his cell phone while driving, and then refusing to cooperate with cops when asked for his documentation. I'm sooooo dissecting this news article, so here goes:

"The wild protests flared shortly after 6:30 p.m., when police pulled over 75-year-old Arthur Schick for allegedly talking on his cell phone while driving in Borough Park."

Why is Arthur Schick the only Boro Parker that does not have a headset? Don't they have cell phone stores on every block on 13th Avenue?!?!?

"Cops said Schick - whose family founded the neighborhood institution Schick's Bakery - became belligerent and refused to hand over his license and registration, leading officers to arrest and handcuff him."

Ok, people - this man did wrong! And Schick's Bakery products are way too expensive....! He deserved to be arrested and handcuffed. He's lucky he wasn't shot (their stuff is sooooo expensive!).

"Two men tried to interfere with the bust - one allegedly jumping on a cop's back - and ended up under arrest themselves. Witnesses said enraged Hasidim surrounded a nearby squad car, and cops in riot gear quickly swarmed in."

These two guys should be shot.

"As rumors spread through the crowd that Schick had been beaten, tensions escalated and hundreds of people in traditional black garb poured onto 16th Ave. from 46th to 50th Sts. They set fire to old magazines, fruit boxes and other trash up and down the avenue."

Why are they always wearing "traditional black garb"? Can we please finally call it what it is? A BEKESHA?!?!?! And there's ALWAYS "hundreds of people" pouring onto 16th Ave.... maybe, Brenda's was having a warehouse sale? They set fire to "old magazines" - what type of magazines would be found on 16th Ave?!?!? We know that's a lie.... Boro Parkers dont read US Weekly or InTouch - so maybe the fire was to burn Indian idolatrous wigs. (thank G-d they burnt the trash - 16th Ave is probably actually clean now).

"Firefighters raced to put out at least seven blazes and water down the streets."

"Water" down the streets?!?!?!? Holy hell - I hope they used certified Kosher filtered water without crustaceans!!!

"But protesters didn't heed the warnings and ran through the streets, some yelling, "Nazi Germany!" at the officers"

Oh people - 16th Avenue is not nearly like Nazi Germany. Let's stop playing the "Nazi Germany" card (and by the way, start buying fucking Mercedes' already).

"I started running, too. I was almost knocked over," said Esther Kroynik, 20, who had to scale a waist-high fence to avoid the mobs."

Thank goodness Esther was wearing her bullet-proof stockings to protect her from the barbed-wire fences on the fence she had to scale. I hope no Yoeli's were there to look up her floor-sweeping denimmed skirt.

"I could see his hearing aid, and he wasn't hearing them," said Joey Weiss, 26. "He was asking them, 'What's going on? What did I do wrong?' "

So, exactly, why was this non-hearing man driving? And why is Joey telling the Daily News reporter his name is Joey, when we all know it's really Yossele?!

"They treated us like we were dangerous," said Yidi Klein, 31. "It was like the middle of the war, but they made the mess."

Yidi - you ARE dangerous!! And you were not in any war, so how do you know what "it was like". Arthur is driving with his cell-phone when he can't hear, Joey set fires on 16th Avenue with old magazines (Shomrim is currently investigating who owned these magazines), Schick's is way overpriced and Esther had to scale a fence. Seems like chaos to me