Newsflash: Rabbis in Brooklyn forbid the name 'SURI' from newborns; Past 'SURI's' now known as Chaya Sarah

BROOLYN, New York, April 21 -- Rabbis in Brooklyn, NY recently declared the name 'SURI' to be banned from all religious Jewish baby-naming ceremonies in the New York State Metropolitan area. The reason? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have named their Tuesday-born baby girl "Suri". According to Cruise's publicist, the name "Suri" has its origins in Hebrew meaning "princess".

Though, according to new reports in Israel, locals there are baffled by it's meaning.

"Nobody here has ever really heard of it," an announcer on Israel's Army Radio said during a discussion Thursday. The Yediot Ahronot newspaper agreed in its half page splash on the celebrity birth.

"We seem to have learned a new Hebrew word and from Tom Cruise, no less," said a Channel 2 TV anchorman. (Source: ABC News)

Well, that's right. Suri is indeed a name used by Jews - though, not the Hebrew-speaking Israeli ones that Cruise's publicist stated.

Suri, actually a variation of the (biblical) name Sarah is derived from the pronunciation from Central European Jews from Hungary and Poland. This means, that Suri is not a common name in the State of Israel, but is commonly used in the riot-ridden neighborhoods of Boro Park and Flatbush, where many immigrants from Hungary and Poland settled after WWII.

Upon the completion of the Passover holiday, Rabbis in Brooklyn discovered through anonymous sources ("refrigerators" and "air conditioners") that TomKat indeed named their baby girl Suri. Local Rabbis immediately banned the name Suri from future daughters of Israel (and Brooklyn), however, allowed parents in the Five Towns to continue to name their baby girls Suri. Why? "Five Town parents tend to have other secular influences inside their homes, such as the internet, SpongeBob yarmulkas, and fluency in the English language. Further, parents in those communities name their children secular names like 'Josh' and 'Brandon' (lo oleinu)".

Current women and girls in Brooklyn with the name Suri are frantically calling their Rabbis to ask for guidance of what to do with their newly anointed Christian name.

"How will my children ever find a shidduch? Who will want to go out with someone who's mother is named Suri?! They'll question my Jewish lineage, my reputation and even worst - they'll wonder if I'm really Jewish at all!" Said a woman named Suri anonymously.

Rabbis suggest all "Suri's" in Brooklyn and Israel to have a kiddush this Shabbos in their local schuls and change their names to Chaya Sarah. Further, Rabbis request these women to go by the full name Chaya Sarah, thus someone may suspect that "Sarah" as a stand-alone name may formerly be a 'Suri'. Rabbis believe other TomKat gentiles would not name a child Chaya Sarah due to the difficulties the Gentiles have in actually pronouncing the "Ch" properly.

"This entire episode changes the face of American-Hungarian-Polish Jewry" says JewYorkCity blog writer JewYorker. "Up until this day, Brooklyn Jews did the opposite of what the Gentiles did. Now with Gentiles naming their children Suri's and Moses, Jews will be naming their children Angelina and Billy Bob. It's like we're wearing our parents clothes."

We anticipate a 2028 wedding of the MoSuri union.