Farbrayngun for the Rebbe! Today!

Be sure to celebrate at some point today as it is the 12th anniversary of the death of the last Lubavitcher Rebbe - Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson! Kudos to him for all his great work in his life that still impacts people today! Chabad

Britney Spears Non-Tznius on Magazine Cover - Wrong on So Many Levels

They predicted it would happen, but I never believed it: one day, innocent little Britney Spears would pose nude. All this chatter started in the 'Oops, I Did It Again' days when she began to get a little more naughty, but she was so outspoken about being Christian and a bloody virgin at the time that I never believed it.

Well, believe it baby! Little Britney is now Bigger Britney with Junk In Her Trunk and a Bun in the Oven, and she will be naked on the cover of August's Harper's Bazaar Magazine.

I find this wrong on so many levels. Not even strictly because she aint wearing clothes, but instead:
1. She looks like crap these days - couldn't she have done this when she had the hot bod?
2. Demi Moore already did this 10+ (or is it even 15?) years ago - hop on a new trend wagon.
3. What the f*(&(*&(*^(^???? Are we supposed to be happy that she is all aglow with pregnancy when she is merely bringing more Feder-spawn into the world?
4. And finally, yes, this is major pritzus, and the Tznius Police are not happy. This is worse than the time Henchie Himmelblob went off on a motorcycle with her biz skirt a'flyin' (the well-known 'Shonda on a Honda').

Britney, all this time when people in forums online and on blogs called you Titney, I defended you. It wasn't your fault that you were born 'country' and are too stupid to know better than to do alot of the things you've done. But this is unforgivable. Put your (questionable) assets away, and stop assaulting my eyes!!!!

UWS Zen Palate is closing down!!!! Where will Jews go to eat non-kosher food now?!?!?

Argh - The UWS is losing one of it's-never-really-was-kosher-but-kosher-enough-for-kosher-eating-people-to-eat-in restaurants!!!!!!!!! How will we ever find another not-kosher kosher restaurant to eat in?!?! It's not like the an expensive hashgacha shut this down?!!?

Jesus made who kosher?!?!?!

Yeah - and Madonna is Jewish!

Intervention: Lindsay Lohan Edition

Someone get this girl off the disco dust and into rehab (since mom Dina is too busy partying to take an interest). Even her stylist can't keep up with her. For the love of G-d, she's only what, 19? Slow down, Linds....take time to smell the roses, or at least the carrot juice. That's gotta be better than the Columbian shizzle you're sniffing.

What happened to the talented actress from 'Mean Girls'? Bungalow 8 aint that great. Listen to a 28 year old sage (me) and enjoy your youth. You don't want to be burned out by 23.

Old Navy: They're just like Us (Jews)!!!

I skipped into Old Navy today to feed my July 4th trinket obsession and - lo and behold - saw a beautiful display of Jewish pride! A t-shirt was for sale that read:

"I Don't Kiss and Tel Aviv"

Don't you love it? And just who is Aviv?

Life Cycle Events: Mazel tov to Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman; Condolences to Candy, Tori & Randy Spelling on Death of Dad Aaron

In case you weren't fabulous enough to be invited (which I was, since I am an international celeb:), I'd like to inform you that Keith Urban & Nicole Kidman got married in her native Australia over the weekend. Mazel tov to the happy couple. I think Nicole will be happy with my gift - 10 free shots of botox at the Derm of her choice. Nachas!

On a sadder note, Baruch Dayan Emet, since I must inform you of the passing of TV mogul Aaron Spelling at age 83 due to a stroke. He was a fellow Jew who arrived penniless in Hollywood and went on to produce iconic shows such as 'Dynasty' and 'Beverly Hills 90210.' He also lived large in a mega mansion with its own wrapping paper room. Condolences to his family and especially to Tori. I bet she regrets her choice to spoof him and the whole fam on 'So NoTORIous' on Vh-1. Thankfully, she has her faithful new husband to lean on. Maybe he'll even get a new tatoo to help her through it.

And so it goes. Only simchas!

The Extreme Annoyance of Weddings on National Holidays (i.e. July 4th)

Sooooooo......hellooooo. My cousin (who I must add that I really love and am very happy for) is getting married on July 4th. Is it wrong of me to feel really annoyed and put out that on my day off I am obligated to trek to Mooooonsey (guess which hall? it isn't hard) and sit with only females, eating semi-crappy food, while the rest of the world munches on hot dogs, throws around Old-Navy inspired frisbees and watches fireworks???

Hmmph. I'm rather pissed, as you can see. But this is truly rant-worthy. What is with the custom of having weddings on national holidays and just assuming that people would like to sacrifice their bondage-free day to watch two people glorify in their love? What about MY love (for apple pie, baseball and lounging around)?

While we're at it, what is with the distinctly Jewish custom of having weddings on weekdays? My non-Jewish co-workers and friends can never believe it. I know it's cheaper, but you're always on pins and needles to leave early, and you're exhausted the next day anyway.

Alright, for the sake of my mother, uncle and cousin, I'll shut up now. I'll even put on a fancy dress and happy face and dance like crazy for my cousin. But know, dear readers, that inside I will be longing for grilled corn on the cob.

The World Cup?? Should be called The World Shtup!!

The World Cup competition has 'enpowered' a whole new genre of fans. Get your World Cup themed sex toys!

Although endorsements by the soccer stars named by the marketers were fake, MSNBC reassures us to fear not - the sex toy tie-in will remain a force in all future sportings events. After all, as they point out, Viagra sponsored the Nascar games!

I wonder how this is going to affect the heated Prospect Park vs. Bais Yaakov Machaniim World Series next week....

Jews for Gee-zuh-s (I can't even say his name)!

So last night while sitting on the crapper and going through some mail, I open up a nice little 3-sided postcard with a picture of 4 not-so-attractive Jews with the byline: WHO ARE FOR THESE JEWS?!?!? I thought, "oh cool, a non-profit, some aliyah organisation, or some charity is requesting my assistance!" Then, I open the card to read that JESUS IS FOR THESE JEWS. Oy. I've been J4J'd and I didn't even suspect it. Apparently, all Jews can get saved by clicking here. sigh oh sigh. I felt really good being snail-marketed by the Jews for Jesus folk, even though I want nothing to do with Jesus... though, I do want his most amazing 6-pack abs.

Arkansas Jews - WTF?!?!?

The New York Times reports about the Wal-Mart Jews popping up in Bentonville, Ark. Ok, I have a few issues with this:

WTF #1) Jews and Wal-Mart?!
WTF #2) I won't even go to Staten Island, yet, these MOTs are willingly. Moving. To. Arkansas.
WTF #3) Why wasn't Chabad there to begin with?
WTF #4) Will the Heeb moms soon be the next beauty pageant psycho parents forcing their kids to become Little Ms. Arkansas?

The Great Satan OR the New York City Department of Transportation: They've Got to Change Their Evil Ways

My parents just received a lovely piece of mail from the NYC Dept of Transportation (or DOT - and they sure are dotty) addressed to me. Apparently, they are ressurrecting some sort of ticket from 1999 and expect me to pay up.

To that I say: AS IF! Really, some nerve. I told my parents to tell them I was deceased (chas v'shalom), but I did move out of their house in 2001. Anyhoo, what the heck? How did they not resolve this SEVEN years ago?

Isn't three a chazaka? Which idiots are running the shop there? It's really unsurprising - they probably do this to everyone and expect them to fork over the cash just to get rid of the hassle. But they don't know who they're messing with here. (The powerful and frugal Jumpin' Jewess - for whom the statute of limitations has long since run out.)

DOT: Get your act together. You're so out of it I'm expecting you to run around in a thong on national television like Lisa Loeb.

What to Say on Judgement Day (tee hee)

I just got this very 'religious' forward, pushing me to get my priorities in order. Well, I'd like to pass the wisdom along to you, darling readers, with my comments of course and the note that
G-d is referred to as HE at all times - WWRDD (What Would Rashi's Daughters* Do?):

*Rashi, world-renowned biblical scholar and pious man, had daughters who actually put on tefillin. They would never get shidduchim in this day and age.

Jumpin Jewess on the Mussar:
Bizzaro Photo 1: Hopefully He'll be concerned about the condition of your skin, after those scary helicopter-like mosquitoes are done devouring it. Put on the bug spray, people!

Bizzaro Photo 2: He'll also ask how many you helped unclothe - just how good is your sex life anyway????

Bizzaro Photo 3: He'll want to know how you and your friends avoided getting electrocuted by that scary ball of twine.


(JJ: How very David Blaine in a tank! J-licious!)

Ben & Jerry's Goes Idaho...Jumpin Jewess Devours Pint Instantly

My new obsession!!!! THANK YOU, Ben and Jerry. Huge hakarat ha'tov to you hippy dippies. It's pretty much the best flavor ever invented.

I wonder if this ice cream has talons? Will eating it increase my skills? I like the carton's sleeves. Freaking Kip ate all of it in one shot. (Fans will know what I'm referring to. And if you don't, rush out & watch the movie for the love of G-d!)

Remember, no calories on Shabbos. And no calories when food has anything to do with Mr. Dynamite!

Stay healthy and maintain your insanity in the following ways....

This has been reproduced on countless forwards but it still always gives me the giggles, so here it is for you darling readers once again. Remember, Hashem loves those who laugh....

20 ways to maintain your healthy level of insanity!
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.'
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling,"run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children/loved ones over dinner that "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. There is no 20!!! Are you NUTS??????

How Sad! CPR Didn't Work for Al-Zarqawi

Known terrorist, beheader and mastermind of the Al Quaeda effort in Iraq, Abu Al-Zarqawi, was killed in a US/Coalition airstrike on June 7. That's the good news. However, upon seeing that their airstrike was successful and that they had downed one of their worst enemies, the U.S. military attempted to ressucitate him. Sadly, they were unsuccessful. That's the bad news.

Okay, just what kind of war are we fighting here? We kill one of the most evil men in this messy war, and then we attempt to keep him alive???? This political correctness has got to stop. I bet the ACLU is going to throw in a 'wrongful death' suit soon. Or maybe throw the 'good samaritan law' at bystanders. Since who wouldn't want to help keep this guy alive?

At least we know he was in fact killed by the airstrike, and not by say, choking on a peanut, as the autopsy confirms. I'm glad we're using our valuable time and resources to be sure that the 30,000 ton bomb aimed at his house did do the trick, and it wasn't some errant bass fishing accident.

Another comforting thought in this discomfiting incident - at least Abu didn't try to make out with the soldier that performed CPR on him, ala Frank the Tank and the carnie in Old School. Also, the ACLU is going to try to entice the criminals on hunger strike in Guantanamo Bay Prison to eat by bringing in a heroic 'Make Your Own Sundae' initiative.

Really nice news all around. Now let's get back to what's really important - Tropical Storm Alberto. Would it kill them to pick a Jewish name - like Hurricane Hencha Frieda Leah? I heard she's a real Jap.

Supreme Court recognizes Jew York!!!

Our friends at Gothamist tell us the Supreme Court have finally recognized JewYorkCity!!!!!!!!!!!

Angelina Jolie and Brad 'Puppy Boy' Pitt Galvanize Nambila with Caesarean; Celebrity Publicity Whores Plan Future Births in Madagascar and Luxembourg

CORRECTION, dear readers (for I am like Rashi and admit when I do not know something): BJP was actually born in Namibia, not Nambila. Not that it makes any difference.

Angelina Jolie, the world's most celebrated vampiress, and Brad Pitt, the puppy boy (I was going to call him p----y, but thought I might offend delicate sensibilities) who impregnated her and follows her around the world, have transformed the teensy-weensy African country of Nambila. By choosing to birth their celebrity messiah, Shiloh Nouveau Riche (or whateva the name; notice the first name is Hebrew, AGAIN) in a rural country with roughly the population of Wyoming, they have put the forgotten little place on the map. Now an important outpost for higher journalism (for publications such as "In Touch" and "Life & Style") and the epicenter of the world's conciousness, the Nambilan government is considering making the birth of Baby Jolie-Pitt (or BJP) into a national holiday.

Angie wields such Nambilan power that no journalist is allowed into the country without her specific permission. Word is that streets are now being festooned with appreciative murals of The Jolie holding flowers, with the title of 'Our Dear Leader/Vampiress.' Kim Jong-Il, North Korea's cultish yet darlingly wee godlike figure, actually called to wish BJP happy birth. I guess it's important for messiahs to stick together.

In what will come as no surprise to culture vultures everywhere, pregnant publicity whores around the world have responded by changing their plans to give birth in cushy establishments such as Cedars-Sinai Hospital in favor of more remote, less population-dense locales such as the island of Bop.

Said Starlight Kashardian, L.A.-based celebrity feng-shui consultant and part time Jamba Juicer, "Before the birth of Shiloh (may her soul be blessed for all eternity!), I planned to induce my caesarean at 8 months (for least possible weight gain) in the regular way. However, now that I see the bombastic response of the Nambilan people, I have chosen 'The Hut in the Woods' Birthing Center on the Ivory Coast. The fact that it is a war-torn nation will only increase my cachet among the Good Works crowd. Eh, who cares about the fact that they don't own a sonogram machine - I can always borrow one from Tom Cruise. I can't wait for my little one to come into this world in a little nation."

There you have it, folks. Those of a like mind are encouraged to scan their atlas for tiny specks.