Angelina Jolie and Brad 'Puppy Boy' Pitt Galvanize Nambila with Caesarean; Celebrity Publicity Whores Plan Future Births in Madagascar and Luxembourg

CORRECTION, dear readers (for I am like Rashi and admit when I do not know something): BJP was actually born in Namibia, not Nambila. Not that it makes any difference.

Angelina Jolie, the world's most celebrated vampiress, and Brad Pitt, the puppy boy (I was going to call him p----y, but thought I might offend delicate sensibilities) who impregnated her and follows her around the world, have transformed the teensy-weensy African country of Nambila. By choosing to birth their celebrity messiah, Shiloh Nouveau Riche (or whateva the name; notice the first name is Hebrew, AGAIN) in a rural country with roughly the population of Wyoming, they have put the forgotten little place on the map. Now an important outpost for higher journalism (for publications such as "In Touch" and "Life & Style") and the epicenter of the world's conciousness, the Nambilan government is considering making the birth of Baby Jolie-Pitt (or BJP) into a national holiday.

Angie wields such Nambilan power that no journalist is allowed into the country without her specific permission. Word is that streets are now being festooned with appreciative murals of The Jolie holding flowers, with the title of 'Our Dear Leader/Vampiress.' Kim Jong-Il, North Korea's cultish yet darlingly wee godlike figure, actually called to wish BJP happy birth. I guess it's important for messiahs to stick together.

In what will come as no surprise to culture vultures everywhere, pregnant publicity whores around the world have responded by changing their plans to give birth in cushy establishments such as Cedars-Sinai Hospital in favor of more remote, less population-dense locales such as the island of Bop.

Said Starlight Kashardian, L.A.-based celebrity feng-shui consultant and part time Jamba Juicer, "Before the birth of Shiloh (may her soul be blessed for all eternity!), I planned to induce my caesarean at 8 months (for least possible weight gain) in the regular way. However, now that I see the bombastic response of the Nambilan people, I have chosen 'The Hut in the Woods' Birthing Center on the Ivory Coast. The fact that it is a war-torn nation will only increase my cachet among the Good Works crowd. Eh, who cares about the fact that they don't own a sonogram machine - I can always borrow one from Tom Cruise. I can't wait for my little one to come into this world in a little nation."

There you have it, folks. Those of a like mind are encouraged to scan their atlas for tiny specks.