Kirsten Dunst: Step Off Our Jewdork!

Kirsten: "You have to kiss alot of blow up dolls to land yourself a Jewish prince..."












Jewgrrl was scarily psychic in her prediction that another promising Jewdork would to be swallowed up in the vortox of shiksadom. It didn't take long, but Andy Samberg, hot stuff after his career-making (and hysterical) 'Lazy Sunday' rap on SNL, is now said to be dating Kirsten 'DumpsterDiver' Dunst.

Let it be known that Jewgrrl was enamored of his charms way before trendy, skinny, dentally challenged and drugged out Kirsten jumped on the bandwagon!!! (No, we're not bitter, we just really dislike Kirsten right now.)

Although if it's any consolation, Jewgrrl, the oh-so-reliable 'source' in the article said that "Adam arrived at the club an hour before his date, but when Kirsten arrived, he went inside in the rain to walk her in from the car and didn't leave her side the whole night!"

Who the heck is Adam? And wherefore art thou, Andy?


Andy: "Yeah, I'm the man...got the shiksa. Pass the Mr. Pibs."

Poll of Random Jewesses: Who Is the Sexiest Man Alive

I took to the mean streets of JewYorkCity to ask some random Yid chicks this pressing question: "Who is the sexiest man alive today?" I think you will find their reponses alternately enlightening and bizarre:

Nahva, 23, Occupational Therapist: The Assistant Rabbi of the Hadar shul. Although he is slightly portly, his dvar Torahs give me shivers. Rabbi, you can flood my ark any day!
(Ed: Nahva, be good)

Christina (yes, she is Jewish), 32, Cab Driver: Mayor Bloomberg. I loved that he banned smoking in nightlife venues and he just balances the budget of this city in such a hot way. Oh, and I also picked up a nice looking YU boy of 18 the other day in my cab. I know he's a tad young, but I did like his knitted yarmulka.

Verushka, 27, MAC Makeup Artist: George Clooney. His salt and pepper hair makes me think of food. (Ed: Now that you mention it- yum...)

Shira Elana Miriam, 42, Janitor: The Zen Palate delivery man. Even though I only give him a $1 tip no matter how big my order, he always smiles and says 'thankee.'

There you have it, folks. Jewish boychiks - now you know some of the qualities Jewish ladies are looking for: hot dvar torahs, a reasonably balanced budget, food and um...special delivery(?)

Introducing: Amishav - Available Jewish Man Who May Be Your Bashert

-->Ladies, this down home man might be your future hubby (and bringer of the foot massage)





Amishav, a reader of our delicious blog, responded to my wedding post with the comment that he too is seeking his bashert. As an admitted yenta but someone who also likes to make others happy (shameless self promotion) I love to make shidduchim, so ladies, get your Semitic tushes in gear and contact Amishav if he sounds like the one for you.

Mr. Amishav is from Denver and has created a blog soley for the purpose of finding a spouse, so I would say he's pretty serious. As Napolean Dynamite showed us, the internet can really help you find your soulmate (witness Lawfundah and Kip), so why not take a chance on an unwitting Jew?

And no, Amishav is not paying me for spreading the good word about him (although he might want to - hint hint).

Who NOT To Be

In the spirit of "What Not to Wear," the whimsical show that advises hapless fashion victims on how to get everyone to stop pointing and laughing, I am introducing an exciting new feature:
"Who NOT To Be."

On a semi-regular basis, I will annoint the most annoying/idiotic/crazy person that's been in the news lately as the Person Not To Be (PNTB), so I can advise my darling readers who to avoid rubbing elbows (or any other body part) with.

This week, unsurprisingly, the dubious honor goes to Mr. Tom "CrazyKat" Cruise.*
















Our least favorite, maniacally grinning $cientologist has had his minions PUT UP SIGNS warning his Kate (never Katie) that she must stay completely silent when she gives birth to the artifically inseminated love pillow (I'm still not convinced that she's really pregnant - she's been showing for what - 10 months now? But that's a whole other tangent...). Supposedly, any sort of shriek, grunt or murmur from the mother disturbs the baby's psyche for years to come.

It's one thing to make Katie sign a contract to be his faux girlfriend and tip off the media that she will be following the tenets of silent birth. Crazy as that is, it's quite another to create a photo op of $ci Slaves putting up signs that say things like, "ACHTUNG! There is spawn imbued with $cientology spirit spurting out of you in a flood of water and afterbirth. Do not say a word or it will be damaged forever. No f***ing talking allowed, beeyotch!"

I don't know about you, but the only sign that I think makes sense to put in any birthing room is,"Screw _____ (man who knocked you up). He's the reason you're in this position!"

*Thanks to EvilNJB for alerting me to Demon Tom's disturbing antics this week.

Awww!!!

Usually us snarky, cynical JYCers are quick to poke fun at the first ridiculous thing we hear about, but on Sunday night, my beautiful, wonderful friend got married. So, I wanted to take advantage of this forum to post the cutest picture in existence at the moment.

Let us all join in wishing the happy couple: mazel tov!

kosher sex, then kosher wigs, and now kosher phones?!?

Awright - enough is enough for Christ's sake! The Wall Street Journal wrote yesterday how cell phone companies are going kosher. In March of last years, MIRS Communications Ltd rolled out its first batch of "kosher" phones stripped down of all features but basic voice service (which really means, they're giving you a cell phone from 1999). The company's phones, which are available only in Israel, have attracted 20,000 subscribers .

Hmmm, Im not so sure this was meant to be; I mean, isn't Israel like 7 years behind in everything anyway? Wouldn't that mean that phones from 1999 should just be getting there anyway?

Also, these phones come equipped with Jewish ringtones like 'Shalom Aleikhem', 'Adon Olam', 'Hava Negila' (of course) and 'Hinei Ma Tov'. Those are JUST the tunes I want to hear when my Craig's List booty call is calling me....

JYC Version of Gawker Maps: Stalk the Stars in Real Time!

Gawker has put the PR world in a tizzy, since they have started putting their celebrated 'Gawker Stalker' sightings (reader-submitted brushes with celebrity) on itemized maps detailing exact locations of stars' whereabouts at specific dates and times. Publicity flacks are freaking out, claiming that this puts their celebs in grave danger and will ultimately cause the raining down of fire and brimstone and the coming of the anti-Christ.

Well, we all must do our part to bring the messiah, so I'd like to give you all this handy tip:
Yesterday, a movie with Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore was being filmed right next door to Kinko's on W. 72nd between Broadway and West End Avenue.

So please visit, stalk away and do your best to scare the living daylights out of Ken Sunshine (who reps Leo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom, etc. for those shamefully not in the know). It really can be such fun - I'll never forget the sheer look of terror on Al Reynolds' face when I asked him where his porcine wife Star Jones was.

And may I issue a challenge: If anyone manages to find Tom Cruise and ask him when he's coming out the closet, I will give them a huge Jewish smackeroo!

American Jew confused by Israeli elections?

ok, so I admit it... I have no clue how the Israeli government works. Being an American Jew/Jewish American, I know I should be aware of what goes on in the Israeli government, but I have no clue! Ya see, it was easy when Lieberman was running as Veep under wassisname, because then it was easy "oh, vote for the Jew that's running"... but in Israel - they're all Jewish... so who does one vote for?!? For all those as clueless as me when it comes to voting for Bibi, Likud, Kadima, Meretz, Peretz or Peres, the Houston Chronicle narrows it all down.... Go Houston (why the hell is Houston profiling this anyway... oh Israel = oil?)

The Imams Hear the Secrets That You Keep...When You're Talking in Your Sleep

Too meshiga to pass up: 'Sleep divorce' is the newest trend in (very) selected Islamic circles.

As CNN reports: one Sohela Ansari told friends that her husband Aftab had uttered the word "talaq," or divorce, three times in his sleep, according to the report published in newspapers on Monday.

When local Islamic leaders got to hear, they said Aftab's words constituted a divorce under an Islamic procedure known as "triple talaq." The couple, married for 11 years with three children, were told they had to split.

Beware of the triple talaq!!! Or, if you're an unhappily married Muhammed, this is an easy out.

On a personal note, thank G-d the Rabbis aren't listening when I talk in my sleep. What would they make me do if they heard me uttering 'take me to Tarjay' three times in a row (as I have been known to do)?

All Hail the Tide Pen

<-- The pride of slovenly Jewesses everywhere

I want to take this opportunity to thank Hashem for creating a little invention that has transformed my life - the Tide To Go Pen. Created for (sometime) slobs like me, it is a little tube that allows you to squirt detergent on a spot at any time, instead of having to obsessively throw water on it (making it look like you had a little accident) or waiting to throw it into the wash.

Now, my friends may make fun of me for storing it in my fab hobo handbag like a grandmother, but just now when I splattered anti-bacterial goo (lovingly applied so as not to catch evil germs) all over my lovely pink spring shirt, I was most grateful for my beautiful, red Tide Pen.

Thank you G-d, for answering the prayers of an errant spiller.

Bye, bye Chef Pie....

My operative, EvilNJB (or Nice Jewish Boy) pointed out to me that our darling $cientologist-in-Resident, the Chef from South Park, got the send-off of his (now expired) life the other night. The soundtrack to his tragic death was "old, often vulgar, sound clips" and he will be remembered by his wish to "make sweet love to all the children."

We like the vulgar clips part although the Michael Jackson-ish children remark gives us the heebie jeebies. Still, we'll miss his fruity, yet oddly silky songs. Let us all wish him and ailing Issac Hayes hatzlacha as he flies into his cultish, e-metered future. Oh, and Cheffie-poo, don't forget to come back for a Shabbos meal now and again.

Rant on Rudeness: Unattractive Old Windbags Lead The New York City Tradition

NYC (not JYC of course) has long been known for its trademark rudeness. In the most exciting city in the world, people have places to go and have no time for your BS, especially if it will slow them down, so: Get out of the way, tourist! Move aside, slowpoke!

I have always defended New Yorkers, who I have found to be a really nice, and said they are merely busy, not cranky. They'll always help you out with directions if you're in a pinch, and are a very down to earth, good hearted bunch.

However, I have unfortunately had a series of run-ins that have made me feel that perhaps the rudeness reputation is deserved. Some recent examples:

Scenario #1: Jumpin' Jewess is rushing (like every good NYer) to work and piles into a elevator that, while crowded, has plenty of room to accomodate her wee body. She backs up slightly and BOOM!- a sound from the crowd - a smug woman informs her, "That was my foot you just stepped on."

Scenario #2: Jumpin' Jewess gets up early to head to the gym before work. She usually goes at night, when the younger folk are back from work, so is unaccustomed to the early morning sight of geriatric folk without jobs mosying along on the bikes and hogging all the good eliptical machines. (Do I sound bitter? I'm not. I love you, Bubby!) Plopping her coat down in its normal spot on top of a counter, which admittedly has binders on it, but that the gym managers never seem to use, she is lucky enought to have the following conversation:

Portly Older Woman (POW): "You know, the coat hangers are on the other side of the gym."
JJ: "I know, I just always put my stuff here." (And she does; it has never been a problem before - the gym managers love her.)
POW: "Well, they use the binders you know. It all looks so unpleasant."
JJ has enough of this crap and responds, "Well, la di da! Thanks for the newsflash!"

Scenario #3: Jumpin' Jewess needs paper for the color copier at the front of the office. She goes to get blank paper from one of the copiers that is nearby, when she is informed by the Secretary With A Chip On Her Shoulder (in soto nasal voice), "You know, JJ, if you need paper, you really need to go to the supply closet."

What does this all add up to? One pissed-off JJ, who does not heart NY. Or maybe, it's not NY, but just a bunch of dried-up, unpleasant old bags of the female persuasion who are making life unpleasant. Yes, that must be it. This sentiment in no way detracts from her heartfelt keeping of the commandment to love all others like herself, because these Old Bags are not like herself. They are not nice, attractive and courteous.

In closing: JJ hearts everyone in NY, except for Old Bags. (And JJ doesn't know why she keeps referring to herself in third person, except she is one Pissed Off Jewess (POJ).)

Scholarly Discourse: Making Sweet Love Forbidden - The Tie That Binds Judaism & Islam

(sing it, baby!) "I wanna lay you down and touch you wuhdoo...."




So much is going on in the always humorous arena of religion that I just had to provide one of my beloved scholarly discourses. Firstly, I had the pleasure of attending a Shabbos meal with a young Rabbi-to-be (Rabbi wannabe? Rabbabe?) who informed us all that he would be attending a conference in Seville, Spain. Like salivating dogs, we demanded to know how he could have a job so awesome that would send him there (instead of to Midtown to push papers at a desk - although some frickin weirdos may find that awesome as well).

Turns out, he will be attending the "Congress of Rabbis and Imams." What the heck is this you ask? I asked that too. Turns out that The Rothchild Foundation is sponsoring this conference in the name what they say is 'cultural understanding.' I interpret this as: Maybe if Rabbis and Sheiks could better understand each other, Sheiks would stop issuing fatwas (for those not in the know - that is a religious edict) that their faithful flocks should blow themselves up in public Jewish areas every five minutes.

That makes sense, right? If Rabbis and Imams really have the opportunity to get inside each other's heads, maybe we would start the road to world peace, bit by bit. Can't you just see it now:

Rabbi Shmaltz: Today, I awoke (gevald!), said my prayers, ate a delicious omelet with salami, and came to this conference.
Imam Bin Landino: Today, I too awoke, knelt on my carpet toward Mecca, ate a delicious meal of fresh goat milk and dates, and came to this conference.
Rabbi and Imam, simultaneously: Wow, we have so much in common! We both got up in the morning, said prayers, and ate! Why are we fighting???

I really have high hopes for this conference, as you can see. A look at the agenda brings to light many interesting topics, such as:

Virgins 101: How to Get Them, Keep Them, and Make the Most of Them
Rabbinic Beards and Imamic Facial Hair: Not Just Coincidence
Pig and Non-Hallal Meat: Feh!
Seville, Spain: Flamenco Dancing Through Islamic and Judaic Ages

Taking this discourse a step further, the very-same Rabbinical wonder that told me about the conference also clued me in a very useful website called Fatwa Online. There, inquistive young Muslims can have their most burning religious questions answered in real time by an Imam! The internet is really a miracle. Upon sampling this website, I was pleased to see that once again, Judaism and Islam really are very much alike. Witness the shomer negiah-like exchange below.
*I don't know for sure, but I'm assuing wuhdoo and fitnah have to do with shidduch perceptions....

Question: The issue of a woman touching a man without any intention such as her passing through a busy place or the like, or her receiving something from a seller such as goods and she hands him over the money or the like, does this form of touching nullify her wudhoo?

Response: Firstly, we advise the woman not to get caught in busy places with men and to keep far away from mixing and (unintentional) touching of the men keeping far away from busy places where there is fear of fitnah - because indeed the woman is a (source of) fitnah.
As regards her having touched a man without intention, her wudhoo is nullified only if she touched him with desire or he touched her with desire as we have mentioned.

Well, I'll be butched! Rabbis and Imams really do have alot in common. Turns out they both advocate that women should stop tempting men with sexy exchanges such as handing them change with desirous intentions.

Finally, on a totally unrelated note, Shaft of South Park fame has quit his role of Chef because of the episode making fun of his sacred cow, Scientology. (Also - Issac Hayes - a $cientologist?? Who knew??) For the love of shlamazel, these Scientologists can't take a joke. And for the love of shleimel, if you're a single, be-fitnah'd woman, please don't desire the storekeepers when you sashay through the marketplace.

Jewish Rapper Found in Boro Park Gang Bang

--> The suspicious Monsignore Macabee, in happier times



Although he has been accused of ripping off Matityahu, Monsignore Macabee, MTV's new darling, has been credited with endowing new street cred to Yiddishe hip-hoppers in the (Me'ah Shearim) ghetto. His Rabbinic riffs and long, dragged-out rhymes have caused many a goy to take on the 7 Noachide Commandments.

That is why Jewish MCs around the globe are experiencing shock waves of post-chulent proportions as the young beatboxer, aged 29 and 3/4, was found early this morning in a number of very compromising positions.

Police burst in on a 'nargilah den' on 18th Ave. and New Utrecht early this morning and found the Monsignore looking up the long denim skirt of a Ms. Fraidee Farfele, 18, while simultaneously holding a thick nude stocking and having his black hat massaged by Ms. Henchy Goldblatt, 19 and 2/3. Although the Young MC quickly hid his face behind a white sheet (with a suspicious hole in the middle), no one was fooled. Police quickly arrested the Lusty Lubavitcher and booked him at Boro Park headquarters.

"I feel confident that justice will be served," Sergeant Frank "The Tank" Blimburger intoned solemnly. "This bearded rapper was using his elevated status among young Jewesses to convince them to do really sick things with him. A shvitzer like that must be put away for a long, long time."

Upon further questioning, it has come out that Ms. Fraidee and Ms. Henchy engaged in other questionable behaviors that could jeopardize their shidduch chances, such as doing a sensual 'mitzvah tonce' while modeling their mothers' wigs, calling the Monsignore 'Tattie' and wearing sandals without socks. Although their families have gone into seclusion, Henchy's mother gave us a quick soundbite (in between frantically loading boxes of potatoe kugel and franks in blankets into a wooden station wagon):

"I knew that things weren't right when my Hencha began coming home at 8pm every night. Who volgas around at those hours? When I saw my sheitel askew on its styrofoam head, I was suspicious, but how could I believe that my darling would shame us in this way? Oy, don't even ask about the state of my Shabbos tablecloth."

Anyone who would like to donate shekels to the 'Anti-Taking-Advantage-of-Young-Maidels-Society' is welcome to do so at this time. (Or, you could just use the money for a box of Krispy Kremes.)

Purim: Like War, Only Funner

One of my favorite tour de forces, Bridget Jones' Diary, has a very timely entry which compares Xmas to war. She pithily explains how in her magical, make-believe Londontown, everyone is so busy going to parties and rushing from one social scene to the next that time loses all meaning and becomes a blur of foraging for clothes, sleep and shelter as if it were wartime.

Now, I must say that Bridget (bless her heart) may not really exist, but she really hit the nail on the head in reference to my Purim experience thus far. I have been so busy flitting from party-shpiel-back to party again, changing costumes, and devouring hamantaschen and sushi (no relation to Purim, just yummy) that I feel as if I am somewhat of a POW. I have not slept well in 5 days, my usually solid gym-going has fallen by the wayside, and I have become obsessed with my choice of costumes. (Saturday night: Butterfly/Bumblebee! Sunday night: Geisha girl! Tonight: 70's chick!)

Basically, I have become a socializing machine (efficient like the Terminator, only more festive and not killing people) and am unable to concentrate on anything unrelated to the holiday experience. However, is this really so bad? After all, the Purim celebration is about how we won the war against our enemies, so why not embrace this new 'friendly fire' and party like it's 5764? I also feel quite justified in abandoning my usual norms since on this holiday, we're encouraged to get falling-off-our-butt drunk. How am I supposed to do that if I'm following my usual clean and sober rules (ha ha)?

In conclusion, let us all embrace this crazy state and turn everything upside down! Let's get rip-roaring drunk and make out with all our fellow Jews! Happy Purim to all, and groove on!

(And, if you see a butterfly in 70's regalia weaving drunkenly through the Puck Building, give her a friendly salute and congratulate her on how well she is fighting the Purim War.)

It's Hard Watching The Oscars If You're Not a PIMP

Forget the whole telecast. The shining moment for Hollywood, the whole movie-making establishment, the U.S. and really, the world at large, was the booty-shaking, gold-teeth-flashing, prostitute-wailing number of That Crazy Pimp Song from Hustle & Flow. The nail in the coffin (0h - so sorry) I mean the crowning moment was when Mafia 69, or whatever they're called, came on stage in their best butt-revealing jeans and $8,000 sneakers to accept the Oscars, know what I'm saying? No doubt.

If you can't tell from my sarcastic little sound bite above, I am pretty disgusted that The Oscars have sold out in this way. Maybe 'Ludacris' of the massive Harry Winston earrings thinks this legitamizes hip-hop as an art form, but I call it sheer bad taste. Call me old fashioned, but leave your hoes, bitches and velour at home if you're going to be visitin' H-town. Get out your best pimping tuxedo, and roll like a penguin.

And if you still don't know how to dress and accessorize properly, stay in your hood and drink at the bar with the crying Brokeback cowboys.

Madonna making aliyah?

Madonna/Esther wants to purchase property in Rosh Pina so she has a place to live when Moshiach comes, according to Breitbart.com. So, is Madonna making Aliyah?!? I'd kinda feel guilty if Madonna moves to Israel before I do... She can be the next poster girl for Nefesh B'Nefesh... how cool would that be?

Actually, the more I think about it... If Madge makes it to Israel, and all her fans follow her there, it'll no longer be a Jewish country! Here we go again, having to look for a new country to live in because famous Hollywood stars are taking over....

Don't you hate it when they pretend you're naked in their magazine?

-->I've never recovered from the disappointment of not seeing him in his gotkes.














CNN is reporting that "film star Jessica Alba demanded that Playboy magazine pull its March issue, saying Thursday that its editors made her an unwitting cover girl and misled readers into thinking they could see her nude inside." She has sent a cease and desist letter available on The Smoking Gun.

Playboy responds, "Many celebrities have appeared on the cover of Playboy, but not nude, including Claudia Schiffer, Paris Hilton, Goldie Hawn, Raquel Welch, Barbra Streisand, Brooke Shields and Donald Trump."

I'm sorry, but that's just not enough. Don't you hate when you pick up an issue of your fave nudie mag, expecting to see a salacious picture of Donald Trump inside (possibly without the rat on his head???) and all you get is an advert for Trump Ice? Don't get me started on the time Larry King was featured.

Speaking on a personal level, I feel Jessica's pain, since I once was put on the cover of The Jewish Week, fully clothed but with the racy headline, "Maidel No Longer Aidel," and I got alot of flack from my old Yeshiva teachers, my parents' friends, various shopkeepers (that infernal dry cleaner!) and the homeless guy that strips on JewGrrl's train. They felt that had been laboring under a misapprehension and had expected that I would be featured in a compromising position (possibly wrestling with Country Yossi and the Shteeble-Hoppers?). Never mind that the article was about how I got stinking drunk at a Purim Seudah.

In that spirit, or apropos of nothing, Happy Adar! May this month bring you much happiness, naked or not.

Lisa Loeb and Hamas Respond: What's on your iPod?

We were so lucky to have been granted this illuminating interview....

Q. What's on your iPod?

Lisa Loeb - i.e. Tush-baring #1 Single/LL Butt J
"You Say (I Only Screech When I Sing)"
"Don't Talk (shh shh), Just Daven" (editor: inexplicable choice)
"It's Been A Hard Day's Night (and My Tush is Cold)"
"I Bought a Toothbrush, Some Toothpaste, Some Cats Eye Glasses for My Face" (editor: yeah, those have gotten pretty old)

The Spiritual Leader of Hamas
"Achmed Has Left (After the Love is Gone)" (editor: Achmed is pretty hot)
"This Love is Syria-ous" (Gwen Stefani/Falafel Mosque Remix)
"Billy Jean...and 1,000 Virgins Are My Lovers" (editor: I've heard that Viagra plays some part in this)
"Just a Spoonful of Kerosene Makes the Synagogue Go Down" (Mary Poppins/Temple of the Mount Remix)

Q. What's your favorite place to vacation?

LL Butt J
The singles cruise to Alaska. They had the best kosher food, a disco, and some really authentic, Jewish shlubs for me to choose from. Plus, the whale and nature watching was a plus. I composed some beautiful new rhymes while admiring the view of a chossid holding an eagle perched on his fingers.

The Spiritual Leader of Hamas
The caves of Afghanistan. Sheik Osama has been most welcoming, and there is enough room for me to do wheelies in my wheelchair in great comfort.

Q. What's your favorite color?

LL Butt J
Flesh, and the whole pallet of colored sprinkles.

The Spiritual Leader of Hamas
What kind of idiotic question is that, you daughter of a donkey? I will incinerate you with the wrath of 763 she-goats going to the slaughter!!!

Ummm....interview terminated.