Mel Gibson Rants (again), World Laughs (again)

"I think this is a good look for me. Don't you? Jesus rulez!! Pass the Jack Daniels, would you?"








Meet Mel Gibson. No, not the handsome actor you thought he was. The real Mel, the confirmed laughingstock of Hollywood. Not content to merely spew anti Semitic nonsense and be a sloppy drunk and misguided moviemaker, Meshugana Mel briefly left his cave this past week and ranted against the war in Iraq.

Wait, I thought he denied the war? Oh, that was the Holocaust. According to him, he owns Malibu, his wife is going to hell for not being Catholic and it's cool to refer to women by names like 'Sugar Tata's.'

I think I hate him even more than Tom Cruise at this point. Apparently I'm not the only one.
Here's a rundown of some fun comments made about Mel lately:

"He's one bead short of a rosary." (about.com)
"Watching [Apocolypto - his upcoming movie] it is like having dental work." (movie critic)
"He looks like the Unabomber." (me)

Can't wait for his stupid movie to bomb - payback is on its way. Take it from this Jewess, Mel. And I don't even own Hollywood.

Here's some other fun comments about the maniac for your reading pleasure:

"Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community for anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was drunk. Yeah, then Gibson apologized to Catholics for not being able to hold his liquor." (Conan O'Brien)

"Mr. Gibson announced today that he will be entering rehab -- the Betty Ford Center for his alcoholism, and I believe the Henry Ford Center For Anti-Semitism." (Jon Stewart)

"As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don't know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz." (Jay Leno)

To all chicks who wear open-toed shoes on the subway!

This morning was no different than any other morning. I woke up at 7:30am, pee'd in the toilet, washed negel vasser, thought about praying, but didn't, and then got dressed. I decided to wear my Barney's Warehouse Sale dress shirt, as it was kind of conservative, yet dressy enough. I began a GMAT class a few weeks ago, and still want to impress the people in the class - though, I have no idea why. That shirt went great with a rather new pair of Kenneth Cole pants I recently bought. Yay! My 2 week old haircut still gave me that "my hair is good" look and thus I was ready to leave.

Earbuds in ear, I leave my apartment building and listen to my Daily Affirmations for Spiritual Health and Well-being podcast. I feel good. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident.

Yay, I'm at the train. Screw you, Mr. AM New York, I'm more of a Metro daily type of guy. As I wait on the train platform, I wonder what craziness I will read today about Ms. Lohan and pretend to care to know who was scene on the scene (I really want Tara Reid to make a comeback!).

As I board the B train at 96th street to a diverse crowd of New Yorkers, I gaze the crowd and begin to judge everyone in car 3426 of the 9-car train. Who looks good? Who is dressed horribly? Who is rich? On 86th Street, a young woman steps onto the train, just beside me. Immediately I label her a fashion-whore wannabe. Dressed in some one piece silky thing, with black polka-dots and some sort of belt that went down in the back, she looked to sexy for this train. I scadoodle over, to give Ms-86th-St-old-money, her majesty, her space.

As I was reading some irrelevant news, I noticed myself beginning to read over Ms 86th Street's shoulder. So, she was reading an article about Morning After Hair - intriguing. As I began to inch closer, and the train got fuller... I did the horrible! I stepped on Ms 86th Street's foot. Not only did I Step on Ms 86's foot, but she was wearing open-toed shoes, and I obviously amputated a toe or two with the apparent shriek that came out of her old-money mouth.

"So sorry", the train is so crowded, I quickly replied.

"Why don't you watch wear you step?" Said Ms 8-6.

"My apologies, I'll be more careful", said the non-confrontational JewYorker at first.

"Jee-zus! I hate riding the subways!" said Little Ms Sunshine.

I could no longer stay quiet.

"Uhm, you may want to consider not wearing open-toed shoes on a NYC subway. For that matter, you shouldn't wear them in any highly populated area, it's just not safe." I said with a hint of smart-assness.

"What are you... a doctor?!" Said 86.

What the fudge is she talking about?! Doctors dont recommend suggestions for logical thinking. Whatever.

"No, I'm just a concerned citizen trying to prevent further pain from being inflicted on your toes and your Jimmy Choos."

Her eyes rolled and our little moment ended.

So, dear females of the borough of Manhattan - I urge, URGE you... please for the sake of mankind... DO NOT WEAR OPEN-TOED SHOES ON THE SUBWAY. If you do, please note you are inviting pain to your little ones. For that I will not apologize ever again.

Also, 86, FYI.... Oversized sunglasses were so June-2006... get over it.

Bizarre Rosh HaShana Observations

I have always enjoyed spending Rosh HaShana with my parents in the (semi) suburban enclave where I grew up, but with my relatively new focus on all things blogworthy (i.e. obsessive attention to strange details), I noticed some 'interesting' things.

First, what is up with old ladies freaking out if someone sits in their designated seat? It just so happened there were many other free seats in the immediate surrounding area. I understand the need to have a place to park your tush, but there is enough to go around. Why is there a fight every year?

Second, what is up with men my father's age (i.e. him and his friends) becoming sillier with age? I think this is a great development, but it was hilarious and quite odd to go to lunch at my parents' friends' house and hear the 'patriarch' go on and on in hysterics about a guy who projectile vomited in shul a few weeks ago. His exasperated daughter explained that he has been talking about this ever since. It's the type of thing my father would fixate on, and when brought up at the table, would cause the rest of my family to look at each other, laugh and tell my father he is like George from Seinfeld (while my father snickered). I think this is completely lovable, but I guess it proves that all men are babies.

Third, what is up with the nitpicking regarding the speech, and really, any action taken by the shul Rabbi? I heard many in-depth analyses of his speech (i.e. it would have been perfect if 10 minutes had been shaved off, it was perfect, he is too emotional and shows qualities of a girly-man when using his voice to convey a dramatic point, etc. etc.). I thought his speech was quite good and didn't object to any of his wardrobe/diction choices. (Although I must admit I spaced out for some of his speech; not his fault, this happens in all speeches.) I know this is endemic to all Jewish congregations, but seriously, it's a little weird.

Finally, since I only read The New York Post at my parents' house, what is up with the paper's obsession with the word 'perv'? My favorite article over the weekend discussed disgraced former NJ Governor McGreevy's stint at rehab to address his addictive need for adoration. The article painted a picture of how he clutched a Kermit the Frog doll that represented/personified ('animalified'?) his need for attention. It didn't make much sense, but it was quite humorous. I love Kermie, although I think that perv McGreevy should get his hands off of him.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to play with the 10,000 Nerf footballs and half-deflated basketballs that no one ever looks at in my parents' basement, but there is always Sukkot.

You will get head on Rosh Hashana!

As JewYorkCity celebrates its first anniversary, I bring to you the Frequently Asked Questions my guests asked of me, and my responses:

- What is Rosh Hashana?
It's the Jewish New Year - no year of the monkey, elephant or zebra. Just the Jewish New Year - no animals involved. Dick Clark will NOT be counting down, and no balls will be dropping [err]. Literal translation means "head of the year".

- What will be different about a Rosh Hashana dinner? What's the food like?
Well, for one thing, JewYorker has never hosted a dinner like this. JewYorker does not have much experience cooking...so don't be expecting any celebrity-chef style cooking. I just learnt the difference between baking (dessert) and cooking (stove-top). Also, I learnt that fork has four letters and thus goes on the left side of the plate, because left has 4 letters too (same with knife and right). But the food will be heimishe!! The meal will also be a meat meal - the Koshers, don't mix milk and meat (know that song: "On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, i want my poor meatballs. But that's not kosher, you see). So, no dairy products at my meal... so the lactose intolerant - yay for you!

- Different foods to look out for:
Challah: normally rectangle, will be round. Why round? Round challah symbolizes a 'perfect' year to come. No sharp corners... and just the hope of a fully-ROUNDED year.
Apples and honey: We'll be dipping apples in honey to symbolize our wish for a SWEET year to come. Get it? Honey = sweet = sweet new year. Also, raisins will be in the challah, because raisins = sweet = sweet new year.
Fish: Technically, we should be eating the head of a fish. The fish is an ancient symbol of fertility and abundance. The head of fish symbolizes the head of the new year. The head also symbolizes our hope that the Jewish people will continue to head and lead other nations with our continued hostile takeover of the media, entertainment, financial and political sectors of the world. Oh wait - that's my plan! The head really symbolizes our desire to lead other nations through righteousness. Oh and were not eating head... [err], but we'll have fish..and it'll be gefilte... and you'll eat it and love it. Please note that we do not eat horseradish or other bitter foods on Rosh Hashana. The reason for this is because we want the theme to stay SWEET. No bitter food, we don't want to begin the year with BITTERness.
Spinach and broccoli stuff: Symbolizes a GREEN year with plenty of produce.

- You said "heimishe"... what's that?
All my food will be pronounceable, and homely. Heimishe literally means "plain" and "simple". There definitely will NOT be asparagus - Jews do not eat asparagus! Gefilte, kugel, schnitzel... that's hot. In the days of celebrity chefs and fabulous dinner parties, I'm bringing back old-school Jewish food that's darned good.

- Second night?!? I never celebrate the second night.
Now you are!

- Dress... up? down? causal?
As comfortable as you want to feel.

- What can I bring?
Nothing. Especially because my apartment is Kosher. So, if you do bring something and its deemed not Kosher; I'll smile, thank you for your generous gift and when you leave, I'll give it to Wilson or Dennis (the night doorman), or to Merlin (the wizard cleaning lady).

Celebrate!!! JewYorkCity's One Year Anniversary!!!

Woo hoo! Our fab blog is one year (plus a few weeks) old!!! (Sadly, us bloggers behaved like bad husbands and forgot the real anniversary on Sept. 13.)

Please congratulate us on our hilarious and momentous accomplishment and feel free to shower us with compliments, chocolates, gifts, burnt offerings and slaves.

On that happy note, a very happy and healthy New Year to all of JewYorkCity's readers! Whether you surfed in once or read us compulsively, we love you just the same and hope the coming year brings you joy, success and lots of giggles.

Pray for Me: I Have Entered the Crackberry Revolution

I caved.

In the past, I vehemently scoffed, lamented and decried the use of Blackberries as a tool to enslave the masses (and take attention away from other deserving berries such as boysenberries).

In the past few months, however, I've found myself gazing longingly at the legions of high-tech New Yorkers emailing at every turn, with their assorted Treos and Blackberries. I have always loved tech and found that my Palm Pilot just wasn't cutting it. It had no keypad for fast thumb action, lacked easy emailing features and I was sick of the stylus.

So yesterday I finally gave in to my evil consumerist impulse and purchased a T-Mobile Blackberry Pearl. I have since become obsessed with it in the form of crack and have been texting and emailing with abandon. I am now the consummate New Yorker: a conspicuous consumer replete with expensive handbag, Gucci sunglasses, Coach Shoes, Ipod Nano and my new Blackberry.*

I can't believe the way I sold out. I might as well sell ads to put all over my body ala Nascar vehicles. I think my sad downward spiral started with my family's handbag intervention...I hope I don't turn into 'that guy' in a year...

*I still buy alot of my clothing at Filene's and happily accept hand-me-downs from my Barney's obsessed friend. However, come to think of it, I have been going into Club Monaco more lately. Dang it!

Britney's Son's Bris: A Complete Shandeh!

I was shocked to arrive at Young Israel of White Trash this morning for the exciting occasion of the bris milah of the second heir to the dynasty of Britney Jean Spears & Kevin Cletus (Unemployment)Line and find that things were not as 'classy' as I would have expected.

Rather than naming their son for a virtuous ancestor, such as Bobby Ray Yoel or Mascara Clump Moshe, they instead went with the name 'Sutton Pierce.' Okay, that's not overly insane at first glance given the odd celebrity tradition of utterly bizarre names such as Pilot Inspektor Lee, but the Spears-(Fertile)Line alliance has been devastatingly cunning!

As I schmeared cream cheese on some grits, I reflected on the name. You see, Sutton Pierce Federline now has the same initials as his baby brother, Sean Preston Federline - that's right, SPF! Thus, these poor children, who never had a chance to begin with given their lineage and genetics, will be additionally tortured. They are destined to forever be compared to sun protection products. What could be worse? I guess they could have been given the initials 'STD.'

Borat: Take This Woman to Your Glorious Nation to Be Kazakh Slave!

I officially have Borat-mania. I love how he skewers innocent Anti Semites and creates international incidents everywhere he goes.

There is no sexier Soviet, although I am intimidated by the power of his chram.

I am very impatient for the movie to come out already, but for now, I am content to get a little preview.

Life Cycle Events: Anna Nicole Smith's Son Leaves This World, Britney Spear's Son Enters It

I feel kind of bad yet scarily psychic that I made fun of Anna Nicole Smith on Sept. 8, since her son passed away on Sept. 12 for undisclosed (as of yet) reasons. May she be comforted with her happy memories of his brief 20 years, and by her new baby daughter (father undisclosed, but it's definitely not her dear, departed 125 year old husband).

A big mazal tov to Britney Jean Spears and her husband, Kevin (Unemployment)Line, on the birth of a baby boy. Hopefully they will follow their past good judgement and refrain from calling him "Cheetoh" or "Red Bull" and name him something nice and normal like Rick or Billy Bob. May the new baby be zoche l'torah, chuppah and ma'asim tovim. And may his first good deed be to kick his horribly rapping (baby) daddy K-Fed out of the house.

Hi Doug!

Just one wanted to give a shout-out to one of my favorite friends and fans of JewYorkCity. If you ever need to melt anything down I would be happy to help!

Paris Hilton Booked for Driving While Idiotic (DWI)!!

Breaking! At long last, on early Thursday morning, Paris Hilton was pulled over and arrested on the offense of Driving While Idiotic (DWI).

The story: A team of alert cops saw her driving in an idiotic fashion (simultaneously attempting to text on her Sidekick, brush out her hair weave, talk on the phone, snort coke and oh yeah, drive) and pulled her over on suspected DWI. Idiocy was confirmed when the Hoochy Heiress was unable to spell 'cat' and compute that '1+1=2,' thus failing the DWI test that would have demonstrated that she was not, in fact, an idiot. Ms. Hilton was then photographed, fingerprinted and booked, all while continuing to act idiotically. While the Bumbling Billionaress now maintains that her feelings have been hurt by all the attention paid to her semi-catatonic, somewhat entertaining and always mindboggling state, the Long Arm of the Law has spoken and will not be dissuaded!

The message: I have long maintained that Paris acts with a too healthy dose of idiocy for a variety of reasons. It is heartening to realize that law enforcement concurs. I hope they throw the book at her and put her in the slammer! After all, rehabilitating her from a fully functioning idiot to a semi-functioning member of society is going to take a long, long time. Perhaps Bobby Trendy, decorator of the also-idiotic Anna Nicole Smith, can help her in her comeback after she gets out of prison in 2025.

Breaking!!! 78% of Upper West Side women feel that 'Good Jewboys are hard to find'; 82% of UWS men find Jewgirls 'unattractive' & 'hard to figure out'

Astonishing! I can't believe these numbers. I thought Upper West Siders of both sexes were extremely content with their 'dating situation.'

I'm actually being sarcastic if you couldn't figure it out, sillies. My point is that I am constantly hearing complaints from both guys and gals about how horrible it is on the UWS. I disagree, and would like to issue an edict, or a plea: Please, stop starting conversations about this topic at Shabbos meals/over drinks/in Central Park/on email!!! I honestly can't take it anymore. Talk about something, anything else. How about Mad Cow Disease? Orange Alerts? Chocolate? If Laura Bush had Botox?

I don't mean to be insensitive to those who are having a less than ideal time. But talking about it incessantly isn't going to change anything.

That's my rant for today. Have a good one.