The Secrets of The Kugel....

In case you ever wondered about The Kugel, The New York Times reports all of the secrets and mystical intricacies of this Jewish delicacy.

First, The Times exposes all the Upper West Siders in Central Park, and now they expose the secrets of The Kugel... what next? Are Jewish Babies Conceived via the Macy's White Sale? An Expose.

Kudos to Shmelke from Boro Park who offered his kugel-input to the article.

High Holidays Inspire Fashion's Next Big Thing: Goats!

It was mayhem at Fashion Week in NYC with the 'running of the goats,' as Saks Fifth Avenue employees paraded goats through Midtown Manhattan to promote their new line of sweaters. PETA warmongers went nuts as usual, but they failed to comprehend the religious significance behind this seemingly frou-frou act: Saks had been inspired by a G-dly source: G-d and His High Holy Days!

Sylphlike fashionistas noshing on (well, really pretending to eat - we all they don't eat, silly) feta cheese were really debuting the new fruit of 2006! It was a sight to behold as bugle boys blew shofars to herald the coming of the models adorned in goat, who proclaimed ibex fur the absolute lust AND must of the season, while mink was totally out. "Genius!" screamed Andre Leon Talley, fashion's High Priest. "Only goat fur could atone for last year's past fashion sins. Ugg boats worn in the summer were tres unfortunate!"

While NYC's Jews burst into song upon hearing of this spiritual event, we cynics at JYC must caution them not to expect this to last: pretty soon, goats will be so last year, and fittingly, they will be sacrificed in the name of fashion's Next Big Thing (we predict: gumball machines worn as body art) and sent on to Azzazel.

In the meantime, however, let us all raise our voices and bleat a rousing Shana Tova!

It's raining celebs! Halelookah!

Jewgrrl wasn't the only JYC blogger lucky enough to spot a celeb in the past few days. I, your very own Jumpin' Jewess, had an unexpected sighting while I was still half asleep! This Monday morning, I groggily made my way to the back of the bus (M11, 92nd St. & Amsterdam stop for those interested in stalking) to get a seat in the back to avoid the crush of oncoming passengers. I was annoyed when I saw two women taking up alot of space with their stroller and 2 kids. My slower-than-usual brain finally realized that the women in MY seat was actually Cynthia Nixon, Miranda of Sex and the City fame! She was with her female partner and 2 kids. As lamented in the media, the partner is not particularly attractive, but the kids seemed very comfortable around her. The little boy (who Cynthia called Charlie) was adorable and Cynthia looked great, very blond, if a little nervous that she would be bothered so early in the morning. I normally have no problem making conversation with SLEBs, but since it was so early and they were with their kids, I left them alone.

In closing, Cynthia seemed like a really good mom, and it's nice to see that she: 1. takes the kids to school herself and doesn't rely on a nanny; and 2l takes public transportation like the rest of us shleppers. However, the moral of the story is that I still would have rather seen Matt Dillon (swoon!).

Mazel Kabbalah Tov...

... to Demi and Ashton Willis... err Moore... err Kutcher on their recent wedding... pictures on onlysimchas.com

... Madonna for plans to open up Hotel Kabbalah. Wonder if they'll paint it blue ... and provide services such as exorcising sheidim and instead of pillow mints - put red bendels on everyone's pillow.

... Madge's hubbie Guy, for interest in created Kabbalah: The Documentary. It'll probably be some form or variation of the Blair Witch Project

Bored? Join the Jew's Harp Guild!!!

Are you tired, listless and feel that your life has become pointless? Does your mother tell you that you need to get out more, yet you can't seem to get excited about anything (such as buying generic toilet paper at Duane Reade)? Do you order takeout every night and answer the door in your gatkes (otherwise known as underoos)?

No, this is not an advertisement for a depression clinical trial. This is to tell you that I, the Jumpin' Jewess, have stumbled upon something that will change your life. It is the gateway to a stimulating hobby, and no, it's not birdwatching.

Presenting: The Jew's Harp Guild!!!! Stop it, you skeptics, it's not like the Lollipop Guild in The Wizard of Oz. While many people may not know this, this website attests:

"The Jew's Harp is a small musical instrument which is held against the teeth or lips and plucked with the fingers. Its appearance in many cultures of the world, and ancient roots, attest to the magical essence of this simple instrument."

Did you hear that people? It's ancient and magical!!! This will transform your life like nothing else! Also, it's kind of funny and phallic looking. What do you say? Why not run, run, run and learn to play the Jew's Harp? Perhaps a Jewish genie, payis and all, will pop out and introduce you to your bashert (or at least give you a gift certificate to Kosher Delight).

It will also give you something in common with other cultures, since it has so many names. Here is the tantalizing list:

England - Gewgaw
Germany - Maultrommel (which means mouth drum)
Japan - Koukin (Sounds like lukshen!)
Russia - Vargan
Siberia - Khomus (Sounds like chummus!)
Philippines - Kumbing and kubing
Italy - Scacciapensieri
Norway - munnharpa or munnharpe (Sounds like gefilte!)
France - guimbarde Bali - genggong

Now if you can't get excited about harmonizing with people from Siberia, there's a great clinical trial that I know about.

Good Shabbos, folks!

Now you know Yom Kippur is approaching...

Gawker.com (a JYC favorite) reports on the Great Shofar Blast-Off that occurred in Midtown yesterday and identified the Top Blower to be some dude named Kalman from Teaneck... who would have thought?!?!?

More interestingly, Paul Shaffer, of the Late Show with David Letterman (is he blind?), picked the winner.

Gotta love Jew York....

...another Jewish pornie

Im starting to think instead of the kiddush club during Shabbos morning leining, we need a 12-step Sexaholics Anonymous group....

Another Jewish guy talks sex in Porn Nation....

Hollywood wants the Jewish Midwestern approval...

Oh no.... according to an NBC affiliate station in Los Angeles, major Hollywood studios are seeking the feedback of the Jewish communities of Cleveland, Ohio and Minnesota on screenings of movies.

Now, as Jew Yorkers, we're kind of worried that all future Hollywood blockbusters are now going to be titled: Farming Impossible, Potato Farm, Dukes of Tractors, and Trailer Park....

Please, get some Jew Yorkers out there to screen... quick.

Random celebrities confused by the 'Jewish Character' of their apartment buildings

Reports from dependable porter Leonardo indicate that Emily Pataki, daughter of Governor Pataki and Columbia Law School student, as well as the African American actress who portrays the lieutenant on the original 'Law and Order,' are perplexed and disturbed. When they each found their pied-a-terre in the illustrious James Tower, all seemed perfect. The palms in the lobby were strategically aligned, and the dryer successfully warmed their clothing at least 50% of the time. However, their initial elation has turned to something qite different, as they have learned that most residents of the building are of a dubious 'Jewish character,' shop at a funny store called 'Eretz,' will not press elevator buttons on Friday nights and Saturdays (and ask them to do it for them instead - how lazy are they, really?) and loll around the lobby checking each other out in pajamas and slippers. Equally perplexing is the fact that most male residents wear very funny beanies and will not date Pataki and the actress due to their non-Semitic nature.

Judd Hirsch, a resident of the hallowed Westmont, is experiencing a more favorable situation. While he also is bothered by pesky signage detailing mincha minyans, the vernerable 'Taxi' actor gets a very animated greeting from the normally grumpy doormen. "While our doorman Cleo just grunts at me when I greet him with a hearty good morning, Judd always gets a heartfelt smile and salute," said Davemo Eisenberg, 10th floor Westmont resident and financial whiz kid. "I didn't even know Cleo had teeth until Judd appeared on the scene! I'm famous in some Wall St. circles and Judd hasn't had a good role in years. Cleo might face a smaller tip this Chratzmach."

Touche, Davemo. On the other hand, you probably get a bigger smile (and a larger helping of meatballs) from the guy behind the counter at Eretz than Judd would. And isn't that what really counts?

More fun JYC (that's Jew York City to you!) slang

Juidda - Jewish girl who is a nidda. Look but don't touch! On second thought, don't bother looking. Related:
Juiddo - Jewish boy who does not heed Torah's warning of dire punishment and pursues the Juidda. Not to be confused with Guido, a sweaty player type who populates Brooklyn and Staten Island and drives around in white cars with purple highlights around the license plates.
Gehennom - Catty Jewish girl roomates who give you an ayin hara every time you bring a cute boy over to the 'shared living room' of your apartment. Usually divine punishment for taking an apartment with people you don't know, based on a bangitout.com listing and no knowledge of your potential housemates.

Not another Jewish porn star....

Just when you thought that using plasticware on a Friday night Shabbos dinner was embarrassment to your family, the Glazer's in Hollywood do porn.

On a Hollywood Rosh Hashana, Adam Glazer announced to his parents he was going into the porn business. His mother passed the gefilte fish and decided to join him. So typical...

YNetNews reports: "Mom and Dad were good Jews. They were in the shmattah business," Adam says. Like all Jewish mothers, Laila Glazer hoped her son would be a lawyer or a doctor.

The parents were in the shmattah business?!?! Now, THAT'S embarrassingng.

Adam may not be a lawyer or doctor, but I'm sure he plays one on TV....

See the Subversive Shatnez Exhibit at NYU! Or just chap a nosh!

My wonderful friend Misty, who also was my camper on Achva West, is now a real up-and-comer in the art world. Please be a friend to art, and come to this event. Read what Misty has to say about it:

I'm interning at the gallery at the Bronfman Center at NYU, and there's an opening reception of the exhibit by this cool artist named Gad (Gregory Gadilan Horwitz) on Tuesday, September 20 at 7:00 pm. Not only is it free, but there will also be free wine, red and white! Gad's stuff is cool, he was a Yeshiva student, and he has bold stuff like shatnez - wool and linen woven together (it's forbidden to wear wool and linen in the same garment), and then he has a white collar shirt that he used to have to wear to yeshiva with an iron burn on the back... stuff likethat, it's cool. So you guys should come! Even if only just for the wine! There will be FOOD i'm sure, but i don't know what yet. (Run like the wind!!! -Jumpin Jewess) So it's at NYU's Bronfman Center, 1st floor, on 7 East 10th Street (between University Place and 5th Avenue).

Mr. Madonna Quits Kabbala!

Guy Ritchie, wife to Madonna - err correction, husband to Madonna has reportedly quit Kabbalah.

Rediff.com reports:

The Snatch director reportedly told the Rebbetzin he is turning his back on the mystical Jewish faith because he has wasted too much time following it.

Madonna is absolutely fuming with Guy. Kabbalah is her life and she feels like Guy has rejected her as well as the cult, a source was quoted by Britain's Daily Star as saying.

'It took her years to convince him to join the sect and she was thrilled by his growing enthusiasm for it over the past years,' he added.

Guy fears his involvement in the sect even ruined his new gangster film Revolver, which has been panned by critics.

The star allegedly believes he should have spent more time on the sets and less time taking part in the cult's rituals. He reportedly also regrets following Kabbalah devotee Madonna's advice and including references to the religion in his movie.

'The horrific reception Revolver has received has undone all of Madonna's good work. Critics hate the Kabbalah plugs. He wants to distance himself from it. But Madonna is such a staunch supporter; it will make their marriage very difficult, " the source concluded.

It's a shame, Guy was spending too much time in Shul instead of on the set of his new flick, and now all the critics are tanking it. Guy has to learn to WORK by day, and STUDY at night like all the other Kabbalah stars do.

Hope he doesnt take off his red bendel....

I hope Ashton doesnt catch on - before you know it, there won't be a 7:00am Kabbalah minyan.

US Navy gets a shul!

Attention UWS girls: Forget those commitment-phobes in the 10024 & 10025 zip codes of Manhattan and head out to Annapolis, MD on Fridays to hang out on the doorsteps of the new shul at the US Naval Academy. The Navy Times reports that the $10 million Jerusalem-stoned chapel will be the newest spiritual home for Navy's midshipmen.

"This is not just a synagogue for Jewish midshipmen, it's for the entire midshipmen brigade"" said Navy Rabbi Irving Elson, who noted that less than two percent of midshipmen are Jewish.

Two percent?!?! Hurry up, girls. Grab 'em!

FEH! of the summer

Sean Astin, we don't know if you're Jewish. And you know what, in this case, you look so unfortunate that it doesn't matter. You do have the chubby, pasty look of the shteiging bochur who doesn't get enough sunlight, so we're going to offer you a bit of friendly advice:

Sean, Tatti says you should never, ever wear a speedo in the mikvah! It's just not tznius. And don't you know that pink is beged eesha? Sean, we hardly knew ye.

We know that you've been spending alot of time in Hobbit-land, and Elijah Wood (Jewish?) might have advised you that pink is his favorite color. But their trends are not our trends.

Sean, we are hopeful that you'll do better in the fall. We hear that dubious swashbuckling styles are in, but even if you drape yourself in velvet ala George Costanza, that would be an improvement.

And remember, like our Jewish mothers taught us, this was all said with love. And we do love your tushy, even if it initially scared us.

Ari, it's Ellul. Please, watch the Nivul Peh!

We love Ari Gold, dreamy Vince's fast-talking, uber-Jewish agent on HBO's "Entourage." The show's depiction of Ari's daughter's (Reform) Bat Mitzvah, replete with signing board, brought tears to our eyes. But we cannot believe our 'Hava Nagilah' loving ears every time he utters his profanity laden catchphrase! It's so terrible, we can't even bring ourselves to blog it.

Ari, please accept our mussar: you're a wonderful person, and we know you mean well. You are rodeph shalom, and need to provide parnasah for your family. But it's almost Rosh Hashana, and we worry for your neshama. Might we humbly suggest that you alter your trademark phrase just slightly, to "Let's hug it out, bubelleh!"???

Ari, please don't cry. Remember, regret is part of the teshuva process!

RANT: Say oy, not oui!

So, "French Women Don't Get Fat" is the latest literary sensation. It seems that post "Supersize Me" angst, coupled with the American inferiority complex that the Europeans in general, especially the French, are more sophisticated, has caused poor, portly plebians to rush out in droves to get this book. Oh, the French, they are tres sophisticated! They carry baguettes in grocery bags! They know how to wear stripes with a beret! They can tie a scarf into so many incarnations! To top it off, this book provides the priceless advice that eating big meals instead of unhealthy snacks, and taking the stairs instead of the oh-so-lazy escalator, is the way to happiness. Ooh la la, swoon!

To this we say: OY!!! Wake up, America! We hope to G-d above that most normal citizens wake up and stop buying this junk. Let the French women have their Pan Au Chocolat. They neglect to mention that in between bites of croissant with butter (how they gloat!), they are looking the other way while their cowardly Gallic husbands have affairs with girls half their age. Nothing is worse than Le Divorce! Also, the author never mentions that their country is in danger of being overrun by Al Quaeda cells (who they just love for their politics!). Maybe they're skinny from stress. France hasn't looked this good since they welcomed the Nazis through the Arc de Triomphe.

For these reasons, we doubt that Jews have gotten sucked into this idiotic piece of fluff. We've learned the Talmud for far too long to be hoodwinked. Anyway, as I said earlier, Jews like food far too much to ever stop snarfing their knaidlech in favor of looking like a sinewy madam. To sum up: Forget Paris, we have the pizza shop.

almostmetjew stalker on onlysimchas!

So it seems that some dude on almostmetjew is stalking the girl "all the way on the right" of this picture he found while browsing through onlysimchas. Whomever knows this aidel-maidel, please contact her... and warn her!

Apparently, this dude describes himself as "a really nice guy,24, good looking, tall 6"2, in Law school and part time yeshiva." Now at first, this seems like it describes half the Brooklyn male population. Until he said he was a "tall 6"2". Thus, he should be easy to locate.

Does anyone know a "short 6'2" Jew?

TZNIUS ALERT FOR WEDNESDAY!!!

Lindsey Lohanstein: There's some nipple showing on the lefty-one! How Janet Jackson.... click here to enlarge

Tribal Terminology

Here's some fun JewYorkCity slang for the semitin in the sky, wavin side to side (non-alphabetized, for you Grammar Trolls in the audience)-

MOT = Member of the Tribe (i.e. Steven Speilberg yes; Giselle Bundchen - we wish; David Duke = NEVAH!)
Jullet = Jewish mullet. Primarily found among Jews of southern origin and those that frequent cut-price places (see Supercuts)
MDK? = Marry, do or kill? A game played among superficial Jewboys (and some fearless Jewgirls) in which they rate passing MOT on the Great Lawn, OZ and other such places. These rating are based only on looks and as such, superficial paricipants state whether they: want to stand with the contestant under the chuppah for all eternity, know them in the biblical sense for just one memorable night (probably in late December back in '63), or commit a sin for which they should sacrifice their own life before committing (e.g. murder by justification of hideousness)
Matityahu = Jewish rapper who somehow made it into the pantheon of fame, the New York Times (just like our very own Forrest Gump, J-Boy Littman). See also leader of the Maccabbees in ancient Greece.
Moobs = Man boobs, found primarily among lazy Jewish boys, usually in their late twenties, who have lost their high school/college basketball playing leanness, and have grown lazy on a diet of fressing Dougies and sitting in front of their computer at work. It wouldn't kill them to hit Synergy a few days a week.
Mandals = Uncool sandals usually worn by Yids who look like Jewpolean Dynamite. To this we say: nisht!

More to come - shalom for now!

The perplexing Aleph-Bet....

These Jewish kids in Southwest Florida are finally experiencing real Judaism!! Kudos for the recent Chabad invasion of Southern Sarasota County (wherever the hell that is).
Upon the arrival of the Schmerlings (of course that's their name), the mini-Jews find the Aleph Bet "perplexing" and one boy was caused to "fidget uncomfortably" upon wearing a yarmulke. Ha, little does he know... that's sort of the easy part. Someone get this kids bobby-pins!

Rachel Weisz has chandeliers in her bathroom!

Yes, Hollywood actress Rachel Weisz's parents are Hungarian/Austrian Jews... According to Scotsman.com, she plans on marrying fellow M.O.T. filmmaker, Darren Aronofsky. Now THAT's news.... Two Hollywood Jews... marrying each other?!?! MazTo to the couple!

Atlanta Jew speaks about the Big Mac....

Ok, this doesn't sound so Kosher, but Yeshiva High School Alum Sharon Feingold of New York City (by way of Atlanta) is voicing for McDonald's, Ford, and as Meghan the Blonde on Mew Mew Power. According to the Press section on her website, she began doing voiceover in her "self-created studio in a closet in her Northeast Atlanta home"... now her actual studio is a closet that doubles as her apartment on the Upper West Side. Someone get her jdate profile. This one's a hottie!

Almost doesn't count...

New York Magazine features an article on www.almostmetjew.com, a web site that allows Jews who missed their opportunity to approach the opposite sex to finally do so. Watch out Upper West Side singles, it seems like the new pickup joint is at Brach's Supermarket in Lawrence. The article mentions "a tznius Pam Anderson" and guy-spying girls at parades. Though, one girl is looking for the dude that wore a "yellow tie that had either ducks or turkeys on it" - now we all know that describes half the crowd at OZ on a Friday night. Paging Chaim Szafranski: You stole the tallis bag of some other dude with shockingly, the same name as you.

Tasti-d-Lite is goyish anyway

While this blog has no agenda but to dissect every microcosm of the quirky Jewishness of NYC, every Jew always has the agenda of ultimately finding something delicious to eat. I cannot stress this enough - it is on our mind at all times. It is even the better if said Jew (let's call her Yentl for fun) can say that she is having this meal in commemoration of her brethren having suffered at some point in history. Jews had many persecutors in the past...Greeks, Romans, Nazis....and Thoroughly Modern (Mental) Yentl has many too. One of those is the Tasti-d-Lite Nazi on 86th and Broadway who only allows Yentl to sample one flavor per visit. What fun is that? No wonder there was a shooting at a Tasti on the Upper East Side a few weeks ago. In any case, let's all raise our over-priced (but thoroughly Tuv Ta-am - Deeelish!) Tasti cups and commemorate our homies Moshe, Mendel and Elana, who could not sample Peanut Bettercup Surprise because they overzealously asked for a taste of Melon Madness.

Who cares about Tasti anyway - it's not even a Yiddishe food! Chulent on the other hand...throw some sweet potatoes in and you're golden. Or beer. Or hot dogs. Crock pot=Instant Gadlus. In fact, I'm about to post on Almost Met Jew that Freida Bomzer better return my crock pot she borrowed 3 weeks ago or I'll have to disinvite her to this Friday night's dessert. On that note, please visit Cray-zee Howard's blog devoted entirely to Yid Food.

Shalom (that means hello, goodbye and peace - well, to everyone but Freida) for now.

Feh!!!!

In the spirit of GoFugYourself, the blog that taught the world how starlets areoften wearing outfits that cost (oy!) an arm and a leg but should have been donated to the Salvation Army ASAP, we are premeiring the 'Feh!' feature. We'll show you outfits that Eema would have never let you wear with your shiny Shabbos shoes.

To kick this off, check out this sad, sad picture above: Israeli dancing hasn't looked this unfortunate since Richard Simmons taught the world to do the pony!

Introducing - JEW YORK CITY!!!!!!!

We really needed a blog....

Who's "we"? The edgy New York Jews! After years of reading blogs from all corners of the nation, it's about damned time we had our own.

Welcome to Jew York City and welcome to our introductory blog posting. We really have no agenda, accept to bring you news, entertainment, irony, fashion, politics, going-ons and offs and everything you've always wanted to know and learn about Jewish life in Jew York City - wherever that may be for you!

We encourage readers to submit musings, postings and items of interest. The editors at JYC will be sure to include them in our (your!) blog. This is the readers blog and the voice of a generation - too often unheard!

Post, kibbitz, mock, laugh, cry, do-and-don't all right here in Jew York City!