Shonda of the Century...I am Speechless

"Gee Mom, you sure come up with the most wholesome ideas!"

(I love how the little miss on the right is looking down & admiring her work.)

I just received this picture in a forward. I got quite a surprise when I innocently opened the email, let me tell you. Apparently this mother/daughter pair were kicked out of DisneyWorld for life because of their inventive usage of the hallowed Mickey & Minnie Mouse. (And yes, those are their real mezinkas aka boobies.)

Despite having seen alot of weird and pervy crap in my years in the Sodom and Amora that is NYC, I am utterly scandalized. I really hope that this little mishpocha is not part of Klol Yisroel. And if they are, that they choose not to debut their ensembles at the next Sisterhood tea. (Although it would be funny to see the expression on Masha Stimbelstein's wrinkled yet powdered panim...)

Let's not go into the weirdness of the fact that a mother and daughter did this together. Actually, let's get into it. Do they also star in porn films together (one as Daisy Duck the generous masseuse/town slut and one as Petunia the Pig on ecstasy, perhaps)??? And who is the fun-loving, Mardi-Gras-beads-wearing man standing next to them? The husband/father? This is all very freudian.

All of these familial issues have made me paranoid about why my mom sent this to me.

Britney's Jewish Boytoy Gratefully Receives Her Barf

The Juicy Jewish Journal - Not Your Bubby's Brisket
/Robertson Avenue, Los Angeles/

Area boytoy, our very own tribe's Isaac Cohen, gratefully received a lap full of pop princess projectile vomit late last weekend. Mr. Cohen, an Israel-loving, Kevin Federline lookalike, reportedly burst into a rendition of Schlock Rock's "Bring Back That Shabbos Feeling" while happily being splashed upon.

Cohen, also known as 'Britney's Better Looking But Equally Useless Himbo,' was clad head to toe in Ed Hardy threads that he received at no cost from a starstruck shopkeeper. Upon being asked about his soiled sweat suit, Mr. Cohen invoked his right to Jewish immunity and replied, "I don't know what you're are talking about - that's peanut butter, yo. Show some compassion to your fellow brother!"

Ms. Spears had this to say: "I adore Jewish rump roast. Don't y'all like his booty..." The rest of her sound bite was incoherent due to a second flood of indeterminate matter.

Experts are skeptical about the peanut butter theory, given that 99% of clubgoers do not carry jars of Skippy or PB&J sandwiches with a thermos of icy milk when they visit respected establishments such as Hyde or Teddy's.

Rabbis across the country have condemned both the semitic scenester and his trailer loving girlfriend. "Oy, he is a blight on the name Isaac!" lamented Rabbi Milton Shimmelsharb of Congregation Ohel of Love during his Shabbos Mincha sermon, "His namesake Yaakov climbed a ladder for all of us, and this fakakta yingel set us back 200 years just to get some free nasherai from a shiksa with shlechta hair extensions!!"

Mr. Cohen's ancestors did not return calls for comment. However, Bnai Brith Cemetary caretakers report that they are, in fact, rolling around in their graves. "They're not rolling in the figure eight formation that we saw when Michael Jackson tried to convert, but they are doing a respectable circle," stated Marty Blockstein, Administrator at Large of Bnai Brith. "We're issuing a plea to Isaac to please put on a clean warm-up suit, since this is disturbing to other residents - particularly to Stanley Stein, who rests next to the Cohen clan."

While Mr. Cohen and the pukey pop tart ended the evening in question by squealing out of the parking lot, it appears that the vomitatious happening will reverberate in the Yiddish Stratosphere for generations to come.

UPDATE: The Juicy Jewish Journal has since learned that Britney and Isaac have sadly broken up. Not to worry, Mr. Cohen, there are many more drunken starlets that would be happy to use you as a human garbage can.

Borat is Surprisingly Hot

-->"I dedicate this award to the suffering of Jewish people throughout the ages. I have joined them in their torment, having become intimately acquainted with Azamat's authentically ethnic yet undeniably gaseous golden globes."

So, we all dismissed the real man underneath the hideous suit, mustache and cloyingly disgusting accent and figured him to be just as gross as his fictitious Kazhak counterpart.

However, Sacha Baron Cohen surprised us all by looking superhot at the Golden Globes. There is hope for Jewish men after all. (Even the picky dude at DListed wants his semitic butt!)

Call me, Sacha! (You don't need that shiksa in lamb's clothing Isla Fisher!)

Sing it with me:

Roses are red
The Israeli flag is white and blue
Come to mama, Sacha
Jumpin' Jewess wants you*

(*but PLEASE ditch the commentary on Azamat's hindquarters)

'Frum' Porn Auditions: Not for the Faint of Heart

CIn the past, I've posted funny Craig's List postings that have a Jewish spin, but this tops them all. I think it's disgusting (especially one sentence - you'll see) but far be it from me to deny you all the humor, so 'enjoy.' And if you do audition, please report to us on how it goes (and G-d help your soul).

Jewish Filmmaker seeks Frum Actors and Actresses
Date: 2007-01-13, 1:11AM EST

A noted Jewish filmmaker is looking for actors and actresses to appearin the first ever all frum German style "scheisse" film "Cholent AndThe Gedolim". To qualify, all actors must be ready and willing to have sexual intercourse on film with the other actors and actresses. It is also required to eat and smear urine and feces. We need at least two actors with white beards.

Filming will begin on location in the Flatbush area of Brooklyn Sunday, January 28th and should conclude by Monday afternoon. Compensation is $100 per day and will only be given after release forms are signed. Non-union performers are welcome. Please be over 21 with a valid ID. We also need to rent a sefer torah with a yad for the grand finale scene. We can pay $100 per day to anyone who can provide them.A ll men in the grand finale scene must bring their own tallis and tefillin (phylacteries) and white yom kippur yarmulkas.

*A Day in the Life of Jumpin' Jewess*

Since I know you are dying to find out what your favorite blogger does all day, I thought I'd enlighten you:

7:45am - Alarm clock goes off. Open one eye, snicker, and fast forward the alarm.

7:59 - Have tormented dream about Jewish version of American Idol.

8:09 - Drag carcass out of bed. Ponder oatmeal but crave cereal. Gallop to kitchen and eat delish bowl of Raisin Bran with rice milk and blueberries.

8:21 - Throw open closet and put on charming outfit of black gaucho pants, patterned tights, adorably hippy gypsy top, comfy black flats.

8:41 - Makeup. Freaking eyeliner takes forever to apply and five q-tips have to die until it's finally applied correctly. Remind self once again that should have bought Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner but can't stomach trip to East Side Bloomie's.

8:58 - Finally out the door into the cold. Walk in street past garbage bags to avoid rats.

9:10 - On bus. Have evil wish that bus would just bypass physically challenged people that need ramp and delay my trip.

9:21 - At work, at last! Check email. Grimace at sad state of lone plant on desk.

10:05 - Down to work. Data data blah blah.

10:32 - Time for a snack. Granola bar. Decide to cancel dentist appointment for the millionth time. Will get to it next week (riiight).

11:15 - Time for another snack. Apple #1.

11:41 - Intruiging email from inappropriate yet adorable guy. Ponder sexy yet snappy comeback. Save as draft so response isn't too quick and therefore desperate.

12:11 - Finally okay to send email. Giggle.

12:17 - Lunch!!! Eat insane lunch of drop of tofu left over from last night, half of plain wrap, some cottage cheese.

1:00 - Data data blah blah. Yay! Another email from cute yet inappropriate guy. Imagine him in Superman suit.

1:01 - Time for another snack. Apple #2. Wonder why Roma apples are so much better for baking. Get angry about $3.29 price for grapes at lovely yet overpriced neighborhood grocery.

2:15 - Make plans to get sauced at Rancho this weekend. Love their frozen margaritas.

3:04 - Forced good cheer and small talk with coworker. Wish fervently that I could send them on to 'What Not to Wear.'

4:02 - At last, another snack! Half a can of peas.

5:15 - Head home. Ignore wolf whistle from hideous man who is always working on his ancient car on my street.

5:30 - Home at last! Mail is all crap as usual. No one loves me. No plans tonight thank G-d so drop crap at door, change clothes and rush off to gym.

5:55 - Stupid gym is overcrowded as usual. Tap foot as wait for elliptical.

6:40 - On to weight training. Eye cute guy on Stairmaster.

6:55 - Cute guy gets off Stairmaster. Has too much junk in trunk and is wearing watermelon colored shorts. Cross off list.

7:20 - Finally out of gym. Too late for Jeopardy, dang it! Pass by Starbucks and wish purchase of Venti drink could be justified. Decide to save for retirement instead.

8:00 - Dinner. No energy to cook despite well-intentioned vegetables rotting in fridge.

8:10 - Nuke two veggie burgers and have half pitcher of Crystal Lite. Crave ice cream, brownies, pie. Eat two week old leftovers instead.

8:40 - Pointless phone calls with friends that emailed with all day. Get off phone as fast as possible while admiring beautiful Blackberry.

9:20 - Brokeback Mountain is On Demand! Fast forward to sex scene.

9:40 - Switch cable to Showtime so can watch L Word.

10:36 - Check Palm Pilot to see if have plans for tomorrow. Joy! Roller skating at the Roxy.

11:29 - Off to bed! Switch on Channel 633 for relaxing music to lull self to sleep. Enjoy sounds of Celtic windchimes.

11:49 - Off to sleep....dream of Rabbi of Young Israel dressed inexplicably in toga. On to another exciting day!

Who the hell lives in Cote d'Ivore????

Rant time! I recently filled out alot of applications online and have wasted alot of time selecting the country in which I reside. I think that it is safe for an American website to default to the US (the country, not the magazine) as the country in which most of its users live. However, many do not...and this forced me to scroll through a list of every freaking country on earth before getting to the U's as in good ol' US and A.

So: hmmm - not Angola; no, not living in Qatar now, although I heard Michael Jackson likes the little boys there; have not made it over to Andorra yet.

I ask you: Do you think a website like Bed Bath & Beyond has users in Outer Mongolia? I'm sure Atilla the Hun's descendants like a good dust ruffle and sham like everyone else, but for the love of G-d, when does the madness end????

Thanks for listening.

do jewish breasts really look like this?

I think Friendster finally has competition.