Britney's Jewish Boytoy Gratefully Receives Her Barf

The Juicy Jewish Journal - Not Your Bubby's Brisket
/Robertson Avenue, Los Angeles/

Area boytoy, our very own tribe's Isaac Cohen, gratefully received a lap full of pop princess projectile vomit late last weekend. Mr. Cohen, an Israel-loving, Kevin Federline lookalike, reportedly burst into a rendition of Schlock Rock's "Bring Back That Shabbos Feeling" while happily being splashed upon.

Cohen, also known as 'Britney's Better Looking But Equally Useless Himbo,' was clad head to toe in Ed Hardy threads that he received at no cost from a starstruck shopkeeper. Upon being asked about his soiled sweat suit, Mr. Cohen invoked his right to Jewish immunity and replied, "I don't know what you're are talking about - that's peanut butter, yo. Show some compassion to your fellow brother!"

Ms. Spears had this to say: "I adore Jewish rump roast. Don't y'all like his booty..." The rest of her sound bite was incoherent due to a second flood of indeterminate matter.

Experts are skeptical about the peanut butter theory, given that 99% of clubgoers do not carry jars of Skippy or PB&J sandwiches with a thermos of icy milk when they visit respected establishments such as Hyde or Teddy's.

Rabbis across the country have condemned both the semitic scenester and his trailer loving girlfriend. "Oy, he is a blight on the name Isaac!" lamented Rabbi Milton Shimmelsharb of Congregation Ohel of Love during his Shabbos Mincha sermon, "His namesake Yaakov climbed a ladder for all of us, and this fakakta yingel set us back 200 years just to get some free nasherai from a shiksa with shlechta hair extensions!!"

Mr. Cohen's ancestors did not return calls for comment. However, Bnai Brith Cemetary caretakers report that they are, in fact, rolling around in their graves. "They're not rolling in the figure eight formation that we saw when Michael Jackson tried to convert, but they are doing a respectable circle," stated Marty Blockstein, Administrator at Large of Bnai Brith. "We're issuing a plea to Isaac to please put on a clean warm-up suit, since this is disturbing to other residents - particularly to Stanley Stein, who rests next to the Cohen clan."

While Mr. Cohen and the pukey pop tart ended the evening in question by squealing out of the parking lot, it appears that the vomitatious happening will reverberate in the Yiddish Stratosphere for generations to come.

UPDATE: The Juicy Jewish Journal has since learned that Britney and Isaac have sadly broken up. Not to worry, Mr. Cohen, there are many more drunken starlets that would be happy to use you as a human garbage can.