Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!

Scandalous Jewish Twist in the Anna Nicole Smith Saga!

This just in: Shloimie Faffenfuffer, 32, proprietor of the esteemed Glatt Bagels and Ladels dining establishment in Far Rockaway, Five Towns, New York, has just held a press conference to announce that he is the true father of Anna's lost child, poor Dannielynn!

Yes, the world has waited in wonder for the true father to step forward, and good Shloimie has obliged. Ealier today, he helpfully had his powerful DNA airlifted to authorities in Bahamas, to the Seminole Hard Rock Kafe, Kasino & Kvetch in Tallahassee and to speechless reporters at bangitout.com (along with the boring scientist types that are going to do the actual CSIesque testing of his life granting, spermy matter).

We cashed in our Jewish Mafia connections and Herr Faffenfuffer gave us the exclusive story: "Eh, forget those silly shlemiels that claimed to be the tattie! Prince Zsa Zsa, the shaigetz blond photographer Birkhead and that Shvitzer Stern are all imposters! I am the true abba of darling Dannielyn."

He told us about their bashert five weeks of dating: "What Anna Nicoleleah and I had was very special. She was sent to me as a match on Saw You at Sinai and when I saw her Yiddishe physique, I knew I had to meet at her once. Our first date was at the Marriott Marquis and we had a lovely time at the spinning lounge. She had a Diet Coke, no lemon! What a bas Yisroel! Her middos were gevald."

The bombastic bagelmaker paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "Yes, she was pregnant before we stood under the chuppah, but she was going to be called a betulah on the ketubah anyway! I had reserved the Rose Castle for Lag B'Omer and Star Caterers were ready to go."

He detailed the ramifications of her death: "My dear mama is flipping out because we put a deposit down with the florist. I keep seeing visions of her and can't concentrate. My blue and white cookie baking schedule for Yom Ha'atzmaut pre-orders is all out of whack!"

Dr. Shloimie went on to tell us what keeps him going: "Only thoughts of Dannielynellah get me through the day. She looks just like me - see that panim? I must bring her back to Far Rockaway with me and have her enrolled in Torah Temima Preschool at once!"

He vowed to fight on: "I have the Rabbinical Counsel of America and the Star-K hashgacha behind me. There is no way we are losing this legal battle. Next year in Jerusalem!"

We should never know from the depths of his pain. Good luck Shloimie and may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion. For those interested, Glatt Bagels and Ladels will be kosher for Pesach and is slashing prices on egg kichel this Thursday only!

Shonda of the Century...I am Speechless

"Gee Mom, you sure come up with the most wholesome ideas!"

(I love how the little miss on the right is looking down & admiring her work.)

I just received this picture in a forward. I got quite a surprise when I innocently opened the email, let me tell you. Apparently this mother/daughter pair were kicked out of DisneyWorld for life because of their inventive usage of the hallowed Mickey & Minnie Mouse. (And yes, those are their real mezinkas aka boobies.)

Despite having seen alot of weird and pervy crap in my years in the Sodom and Amora that is NYC, I am utterly scandalized. I really hope that this little mishpocha is not part of Klol Yisroel. And if they are, that they choose not to debut their ensembles at the next Sisterhood tea. (Although it would be funny to see the expression on Masha Stimbelstein's wrinkled yet powdered panim...)

Let's not go into the weirdness of the fact that a mother and daughter did this together. Actually, let's get into it. Do they also star in porn films together (one as Daisy Duck the generous masseuse/town slut and one as Petunia the Pig on ecstasy, perhaps)??? And who is the fun-loving, Mardi-Gras-beads-wearing man standing next to them? The husband/father? This is all very freudian.

All of these familial issues have made me paranoid about why my mom sent this to me.