Addendum: Story of Engaged Perv Gets Even More Obnoxious and Ridiculous

"Will you marry me, my little pretty???"

So, I was mucho incensed yesterday and I forwarded my rant about the 'crazily superficial idiot who got engaged' to a few of my friends. The story gets better!

One of them uses the website SawYouAtSinai for her dating needs (matchmaker, matchmaker - ah, but that's a song for another time). Anyhoo, people employed by the site suggest potential dates to users. Well, my friend recently had 'THE PERV' suggested to her as a possible match. (She didn't go - smart gal.) Sooo, that means he was still dating about a month ago....why am I not surprised.

I really should warn the poor, affianced girl. But I won't, since I don't want to get in the middle of that hot mess. I guess I'll watch this story closely to see when (not if) this engagement breaks off.

Viva la Upper West Side!

Obnoxious Perv (that I know) Gets Engaged After World's Shortest Courtship

I just heard that a guy that came on to me (unsuccessfully) a mere two months ago is suddenly, blissfully engaged! It seems like yesterday that I kicked him out of my apartment for crimes against humanity.

I wonder if he went straight to her loving arms after that little fiasco? Or was it just the kick in the tuchus he needed to begin shidduch dating like a machine?

Now, I won't name names, but I really feel bad for his kallah. He's just the kind of annoying ba'al tshuva that thinks he needs a really innocent, very frum girl when he himself has been acting in various sleazy and assy ways that aren't befitting a Ben Torah.

He's also the kind of general weirdo that insists his women have to be beautiful pieces of art (basically vacant objects) for him to enjoy. While I was initially flattered to be put into that category, I quickly tired of his discussion of how proportionate my arms and legs are and how it's such a relief to hang out with me since he can't stand to be around unattractive people. Never mind that he himself isn't exactly G-d's gift (no matter what his Jewish momma told him).

May I be the first to wish the blushing couple a mazal tov. Much hatzlacha as they embark on this new 'adventure.'

Shonda of the Season: Jewish Lingerie Heiress Likes Santa Too Much

The New York Times, everyone's favorite anti semitic rag, broke this controversy wide open: Ms. Trashy Lingerie (aka the rich heiress to a company that makes lingerie) offended her fellow Jewish neighbors in the Hancock Park shtetl of LA when she put up a huge Xmas display.

The 'lady' claims that she's just enjoying the festive spirit of the season and that her enjoyment of candy canes do not interfere with her spirit of tikun olam, large Jewish honker and love of lox and bagels. A grouchy Israeli neighbor calls her out, however, for ruining her shidduch chances: "What kind of Jewish girl puts a Santa in the yard???"

Yawn! The only thing that interests me in this whole article is the discussion of undergarments. Do you think she'd give a fellow Jewess a discount?

Eat my big fat latke, Mel Gibson!

--> My menorah (silhouetted against my lovely venetian blinds)





Or as Gizoogle would say - Maybe Mel Gibson wouldn't be S-to-tha-izzuch a nudnik, if he tasted these. ... I like mah latkes lacy n irregular, n this is tha method I use ta achieve this . Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint. ...

On that note: Happy Chanukah to one and all! Shine on.

Rabbi Mario Brothers!

"Luigi! Stop jumping on magic mushrooms and act like a member of Klal Yisroel!"






The moment we've all been waiting for has arrived: Jews are finally getting a yiddishe video game! (Okay, I wasn't pining away for this but you know someone in Brooklyn was.)

According to CNN, Manifesto Games has produced "The Shiva," a murder-mystery game in which protagonist Rabbi Stone is having a crisis of faith and his congregation on New York's Lower East side is losing members and cash. When he inherits a small windfall from a controversial congregant, Rabbi Stone must solve the mystery behind the gift and make sure it is not cursed. (emphasis mine)

Tee hee. Let's see what stereotypes about shul life were actualized in fun digital format:

-The Rabbi has a crisis of faith! He thinks Mr. Finkelblatt's wife Aidelah is kind of cute and can't stop fantasizing about shaking her hand!

-Murder! Mayhem! Shiva! Nothing like a death to bring a Jewish family together to fress!

-A shul that's losing members? Was there a machlokes? Which shteeble are the disgruntled ex-members trekking to (5 miles out of their way)??

-A congregant isn't considered kosher by one and all! Controversy in a shul! He took Mr. Melvie Farshookle's seat in the Wednesday morning hashkama minyan one rainy October morning, causing the elderly Farshookle, who had sat in that seat for 53 years, to plotz in shock and demand justice!

-$$$! Need I say more, sons and daughters of Shylock??

This is exhausting. Does this sound like a mindless diversion to you? Oh sure, it's all fun and games until someone chokes on a piece of herring!

My opinion: The game is only $5, but you'll need alot more moolah to pay for therapy to treat your Post Traumatic Jewish Guilt Disorder (the dreaded PTJGD)!

Your Desk May Be a Toilet

In this hideously wintery time of year (okay, theoretically wintery since yesterday and many other days have been rather heiss), CNN asks the pressing question, "Is your desk making you sick?"

Yes, campers, a study has shown that the typical worker's desk has hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than an office toilet seat. Chew on that...okay, don't, ew.

Maybe that's because of all the shagging that people are doing on their desks during lunchtime quickies on mikvah days.

Jews seeking Muslims and Lube

Radar magazine has mapped out its Geography of Desire, and it turns out that Florida has the highest population of Jewish singles seeking Muslims in the country! Additionally, New York (well, Albany, which isn't really New York) has the highest concentration of Muslim singles seeking Jews.

Also, New Yorkers seem to buy more lube than any other city in the country. Maybe we have the most chapped lips... I hate when magazines make assumptions on the fact that we buy so much of KY's warming liquid.

p.s. oh... and Im back posting!

No Yichus, No Tuchus

If you're a female descendant of a Rabbi/Kabbalist and you're looking for some post-mikvah fun in Flatbush (Heaven, please save us!), you might want to contact this pervy Yid on CraigsList.
I must say that I take umbrage at his classist exclusion of Young Israelites!! (And would Kabbalist extend to the new 'Ka-ba-la' cult that Madonna belongs to?)

Date: 2006-12-04, 4:26PM EST
If you are a girl who is descended from big rabbis and kabbalists I want to have sex with you.I want you to come over to my house and tell me about your family yechus and then come to the bedroom and make love. Two weeks ago I did the granddaughter of the chafetz chaim and last night I did the great-great-great grand-daughter of the chozeh of lublin.I am trying very hard to locate relatives of reb moshe feinstein who have big bosoms. Do not apply if your daddy is the rabbi of a young israel.that just doesnt do it for me. No YEECHES No Teeches !!!
Location: Flatbush

George Clooney's Chazer is Nivtar; This is What Passes for News These Days

CNN is breathlessly announcing the sad death of George Clooney's pet chazer, Max. Although Georgie is said to be devastated, he can take solace in the fact that his beloved potbelly pig died "peacefully" of natural causes.

The walking rack of bacon and other non-kosher delights was a fat pig, but a vain one. His publicist stated that: "He was a big pig, as pigs go. I can't tell you how much he weighed." I'm sure that Max is looking down from hog heaven and snorting with delight over that remark.

The Sexiest Man in America was out of town promoting a film when Max left this world for Olam Ha'Ba. I hope that The Cloons and Max said everything they needed to say, being that they were apart when Max rolled in the mud for the last time. Still, being that they were together for 18 years, no words were probably needed. All George had to do was look in Max's gentle eyes and he would know why "the porker was his longest relationship."

Shiva is being observed at the Sunnybrook Farm. Women, please control yourselves and don't attempt to hit on poor, grieving George at his passed-on pig's funeral.

May George be comforted among other mourners in Hollywood.