George Clooney's Chazer is Nivtar; This is What Passes for News These Days

CNN is breathlessly announcing the sad death of George Clooney's pet chazer, Max. Although Georgie is said to be devastated, he can take solace in the fact that his beloved potbelly pig died "peacefully" of natural causes.

The walking rack of bacon and other non-kosher delights was a fat pig, but a vain one. His publicist stated that: "He was a big pig, as pigs go. I can't tell you how much he weighed." I'm sure that Max is looking down from hog heaven and snorting with delight over that remark.

The Sexiest Man in America was out of town promoting a film when Max left this world for Olam Ha'Ba. I hope that The Cloons and Max said everything they needed to say, being that they were apart when Max rolled in the mud for the last time. Still, being that they were together for 18 years, no words were probably needed. All George had to do was look in Max's gentle eyes and he would know why "the porker was his longest relationship."

Shiva is being observed at the Sunnybrook Farm. Women, please control yourselves and don't attempt to hit on poor, grieving George at his passed-on pig's funeral.

May George be comforted among other mourners in Hollywood.