Once and For All: Who is Gay in Hollywood????

--> Don't let Tom (or Diane) fool you.


It's kinda late and I've had an uneventful but nevertheless exhausting day. Fun little goss tidbits are mosying through my head so why don't I just lay them out here for your enjoyment, rather than formulating a quippy (and of course amusing) entry.

Here goes, kinderlach:

- I got together with some fellow bas yisrael this past Shabbos afternoon. We had a lovely shaleshudes and talked about divrei torah, i.e. what celebrities are definitively feigelahs (gay).*

Turns out one of the chiquitas had a long convo with this woman who works at MTV and she confirmed the orientation of some SLEBS I just knew were crushing on the the color pink: Tom Cruise (oh please, did you ever doubt?), John Travolta, Kevin Spacey and Ms. Jodie Foster.

-My lovably yentish friend also named a hottie I had strongly suspected: Jake Gyllenhaal. Sigh. All the hotties are gay. (Please let Jonathan Rhys Myers be exempt!) She pointed to another actress I couldn't quite figure out: Nicole Kidman. (Don't ask me why she's married to Keith Urban.) And an actress I should have realized, but always thought had bad luck with men: Diane Keaton.

-Finally, she shocked me with this revelation: Meg Ryan! None of my other friends seemed in the least bit surprised. I couldn't believe that I, Ms. Blase Everyone in Hollywood is Gay, did not suspect the Meg. According to my friend, when slebs adopt babies rather than have their own, it's a tipoff. Witness Meg's adoption of her Asian bebe Daisy and (ahem!) Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman's adoption of two kids instead of having their own.

-Then I did some internet research (i.e. Google but research sounds so official) and found that not only was Meg rumored to have a 'very special relationship' with her hairdresser, but she was also suspected of having a 'secret' (i.e. leaked by publicists) relationship with Matthew Perry (also rumored to be gay). That cinched it for me.

Now, you may ask: Why do you care who is gay?

To this I say: If you're going to market yourself as one thing, and you really are another, I'll be danged before I look like a fool! I will Strive For The Truth (the emes if you will)! Just like our sainted grandmothers taught us: don't be fooled by a lokshen kugel masquerading as a brisket!

You may also want to know: What the heck does this have to do with Jewish topics (i.e. JewYorkCity's bread & buttah)?

To this I provide this rejoinder: We were so busy talking about the STAHS on Shabbos, we didn't indulge in any loshon hara (about people we know)! If that isn't sainted, what is?

Layla tov, honeys.

*Disclaimer: Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. No, really. I saw "Trembling Before G-d" and have proven myself to be, on this blog and elsewhere, a firm believer in gay rights. (I mean that.) And hot men in tights. (I mean that too.)

Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!

Beer with Laughing Gas, Ben & Jerry's with Matzah - Israel's Got It All

-->No laughing gas in these, sorry. But can we interest you in a nice scoop of cheese blintze ice cream with etrog sauce?

Two more reasons to make aliyah - Israeli beer that gets you drunk AND high and Israeli ice cream that contains no yeast!

In case you were tired of trolling helium balloon stands to get your daily dose of whippets, Israeli entrepreneurs reportedly have developed a beer that contains nitrous oxide or laughing gas. The beer, developed by two engineers and approved by the Health Ministry, contains fun and adorable 'laughing gas bubbles' that send sabras who drink it into giggle fits. Good news: Plans for a similar hybrid vodka are in the works!

G-d, you have to love Israel! It produces genius engineers and its Health Ministry certainly has its priorities in order.

In other wonderful gastronomic news, the jolly and portly duo known as Ben & Jerry has done a great service for Passover Loving Israelis Who Also Love Dairy (also known as PLIWALDs). The unleavened new 'Matzah Crunch' flavor, available only at the company's factory in Yavne, Israel, is a French vanilla ice cream boasting chips of chocolate-covered matzah.

I know Passover is over, peeps, but don't you want that constipated, chocolately feeling that comes from eating so much matzah all year long? Think of how delicious it would be with toppings such as wet walnuts or Magen Dovid shaped sprinkles!

A stern note: The beer (and future vodka) projects elicited censure from Israel's Anti-Drug Authority, which noted that laughing gas is a controlled substance and that beer tastes icky. No word on what the Israeli anti-gleeda federation had to say to Ben and Jerry.

When Carbs Attack: Can You Avoid Turning Into a Carbohydrate this Pesach?

-->Check out that Jewish tuchus!

This is a little late but there's still a few days left of Passover and I have to be proactive. I am so full of carbs at this point I'm ready to annoint myself Ms. Potatoe Bod. Soooo, here's some nice wisdom from About.com, one of my favorite websites, on how to cut down/deal with the foods that make you bloated, tired, lazy and I guess, happy.

(That brings me to a conundrum - do I want to be thin and annoyingly hungry or fat and happy? A question for another time.)

The main thing is though: enjoy the holiday, indulge a little and everything in moderation. Oh, and don't do drugs!

"Matzo - Try to get whole grain matzos, which have slightly less carbohydrate (19 grams instead of 22), and at least a little fiber. Also, there's no obligation to chow down on them. Have some raw vegetables on hand for munching if you're hungry before the main meal.
Charoset - Charoset is mostly really healthy, but don't load it down with sugar or honey. If you want it sweeter, you can add a little sugar substitute.
Gefilte fish - Gefilte fish does not have to be hard to make, and that way you can control the extra ingredients. Homemade is so much better than the stuff in jars! If you shop at a store with a fish counter, they will even grind the fish up for you, which speeds up the process. Jewish Food writer Joan Nathan says to think of them as dumplings and they won't seem as big a deal.

Most main dishes are fine. They can include brisket and salmon.

Of course, traditions differ in different areas and in different families - and sometimes it's fun to bend tradition and try something new.

Spring vegetables are common side dishes, especially asparagus. Passover can be a nice time to transition from the often-starchier winter vegetables to the lighter spring ones, which are usually low in carbohydrate.
Kugels made with potato are high in starch, of course. Either have just a few bites, or try a vegetable kugel with less or no potato."

Matzher? I hardly knew her! and other glorious Passover double entendres

--> A new twist on 'Dick in a Box'!



Put down that vacuum slowly and move over to this screen! Yes, you! You've been Pesach cleaning all day and are about to go postal. How about a nice break with some Folger's Crystals and your fave blogger?

Today I have some lovely Passover pickup lines for you to use at your next Seder mixer/rave. Thank me when the object of your affection comes in for a '5th cup' nightcap!

Here's a few that I made up:
* Baby, you make bondage sound like fun!

*I can make you maROAR!

*I know where I'd like to dip my karpas!

And the rest (from various genius internet sources):
* Let's make this night really different from all other nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I've got a Ramses in my pocket and I'm glad to see you!
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?
* Against the wall and spread 'em: I'm going to have to search you for chometz
* I could never Pass you Over * I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
* After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
* What will you do to me for two zuzim?
* I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
*Maybe when Elijah shows up, we can make it a threesome