Once and For All: Who is Gay in Hollywood????

--> Don't let Tom (or Diane) fool you.


It's kinda late and I've had an uneventful but nevertheless exhausting day. Fun little goss tidbits are mosying through my head so why don't I just lay them out here for your enjoyment, rather than formulating a quippy (and of course amusing) entry.

Here goes, kinderlach:

- I got together with some fellow bas yisrael this past Shabbos afternoon. We had a lovely shaleshudes and talked about divrei torah, i.e. what celebrities are definitively feigelahs (gay).*

Turns out one of the chiquitas had a long convo with this woman who works at MTV and she confirmed the orientation of some SLEBS I just knew were crushing on the the color pink: Tom Cruise (oh please, did you ever doubt?), John Travolta, Kevin Spacey and Ms. Jodie Foster.

-My lovably yentish friend also named a hottie I had strongly suspected: Jake Gyllenhaal. Sigh. All the hotties are gay. (Please let Jonathan Rhys Myers be exempt!) She pointed to another actress I couldn't quite figure out: Nicole Kidman. (Don't ask me why she's married to Keith Urban.) And an actress I should have realized, but always thought had bad luck with men: Diane Keaton.

-Finally, she shocked me with this revelation: Meg Ryan! None of my other friends seemed in the least bit surprised. I couldn't believe that I, Ms. Blase Everyone in Hollywood is Gay, did not suspect the Meg. According to my friend, when slebs adopt babies rather than have their own, it's a tipoff. Witness Meg's adoption of her Asian bebe Daisy and (ahem!) Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman's adoption of two kids instead of having their own.

-Then I did some internet research (i.e. Google but research sounds so official) and found that not only was Meg rumored to have a 'very special relationship' with her hairdresser, but she was also suspected of having a 'secret' (i.e. leaked by publicists) relationship with Matthew Perry (also rumored to be gay). That cinched it for me.

Now, you may ask: Why do you care who is gay?

To this I say: If you're going to market yourself as one thing, and you really are another, I'll be danged before I look like a fool! I will Strive For The Truth (the emes if you will)! Just like our sainted grandmothers taught us: don't be fooled by a lokshen kugel masquerading as a brisket!

You may also want to know: What the heck does this have to do with Jewish topics (i.e. JewYorkCity's bread & buttah)?

To this I provide this rejoinder: We were so busy talking about the STAHS on Shabbos, we didn't indulge in any loshon hara (about people we know)! If that isn't sainted, what is?

Layla tov, honeys.

*Disclaimer: Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. No, really. I saw "Trembling Before G-d" and have proven myself to be, on this blog and elsewhere, a firm believer in gay rights. (I mean that.) And hot men in tights. (I mean that too.)

Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!