Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!

Just what does it mean to CANOODLE???

-->"Psst-Breindy! Let's canoodle in the Yichud Room!"

What's a Jewess to do? You can't read a good gossip blog or Page Six without hearing that two stahs were canoodling.

Please tell me what this means! Were they flirting? Smooching? Playfully shoving each other? Playing 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'?

The online dictionary gives it a slightly naughtier definition - I'll leave it to you to check it out.

It seems to me that all it takes is 'canoodledom' to link two random people of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex, in some cases (such are the times we live, Hashem Yerachaim...ha ha...just kidding with the frum tangent).

Anyway! It got me wondering what the Jewish definition of 'to canoodle' would be. For example, two witnesses told us that: Country Yossi canoodled with Sora Rivka Rachel Leah, the kindergarten Morah who lives on 7th St. and Ave. C in Flatbush.*

Did they nod at each other? Go to the revolving lounge on top of the Marriott Marquis for a shidduch date? Check each other out on Frumster (only Orthodox-Machmir profiles, please)? Or-GASP!-play a sick, twisted game in which they potched each others' tushies? It all sounds so sordid!

In other news, a little yonah bird told us that: Mordy Shtender, the counter guy at the new Supersol on W. 92nd St., was seen canoodling with Maidelah Aidelah, the daughter of Mr. Feldfaffer, who always delivers gefilte fish loaves in his station wagon!* I think she's slipping him a little more than the fish! Bada bing!!

Don't tell them you heard it from me.

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Okay, this is all libel/fiction. You get the point.