Jewish Mothers! (In honor of Mother's Day)

Happy Mother's Day to all you long suffering Jewish mamas, slaving over the stove to perfect your gefilte fish and scrubbing floors to send poor Yidel to cheder! In your honor, I've included a list of stereotypes of Jewish mamas, courtesy of the ever genius Wikipedia.(Don't mind the sarcasm, mommy, we love you!)

Typical activities of a Jewish mother include:

1. Worrying about the day to day movements, relationships and income of her offspring, even (and usually) when they are fully grown adults.

2. Overprotecting and taking a concern in the welfare of her offspring to such an extent that it becomes ridiculous, activities may range from sending strudel in the post up to her children when they are at university, calling them on a day to day basis, expressing interest as to whether they are 'eating well' or if they have 'done their washing,' and not letting them do anything that she perceives as 'unsafe,' or 'dangerous,' even if the chances of danger are ridiculously small.

3. Usually very skilled in the kitchen, often making meals of kosher quality in excessive proportions.

4. Often getting in the way of the relationships of her offspring, often expressing much distaste and bitterness towards the man that her daughter is in a relationship with unless he is earning a large income.

5. Often setting up her sons with various women she deems fit, and making suggestions to her sons and daughters of potential partners.

6. Taking excessive pride in the achievements of her offspring. This is most apparent when in conversation with other (usually Jewish) women her own age, often making references to "My son, the lawyer... ", or "My son, the doctor...".

7. Persistant nagging of her children if she considers them to have underachieved academically or financially, or if they remain unmarried.

8. (S)mothering her children, even when they have grown up. The effect, according to Philip Roth in Portnoy's Complaint, is that "a Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until the day he (or his parents) dies."

9. She stresses being respected and honored by her children. Hence, the classic dismissal of Freudian theory: "Oedipus shmoedipus! A boy shouldn't love his mother?"

10. Want their sons to be doctors when they grow up.

11. She manipulates her child through the use of guilt, as in the old joke: Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (with mournful Yiddish accent) Don't worry about me; I'll just sit here in the dark.

And from me: 12. Calls you her 'shayna maidelah'!! :)

Beer with Laughing Gas, Ben & Jerry's with Matzah - Israel's Got It All

-->No laughing gas in these, sorry. But can we interest you in a nice scoop of cheese blintze ice cream with etrog sauce?

Two more reasons to make aliyah - Israeli beer that gets you drunk AND high and Israeli ice cream that contains no yeast!

In case you were tired of trolling helium balloon stands to get your daily dose of whippets, Israeli entrepreneurs reportedly have developed a beer that contains nitrous oxide or laughing gas. The beer, developed by two engineers and approved by the Health Ministry, contains fun and adorable 'laughing gas bubbles' that send sabras who drink it into giggle fits. Good news: Plans for a similar hybrid vodka are in the works!

G-d, you have to love Israel! It produces genius engineers and its Health Ministry certainly has its priorities in order.

In other wonderful gastronomic news, the jolly and portly duo known as Ben & Jerry has done a great service for Passover Loving Israelis Who Also Love Dairy (also known as PLIWALDs). The unleavened new 'Matzah Crunch' flavor, available only at the company's factory in Yavne, Israel, is a French vanilla ice cream boasting chips of chocolate-covered matzah.

I know Passover is over, peeps, but don't you want that constipated, chocolately feeling that comes from eating so much matzah all year long? Think of how delicious it would be with toppings such as wet walnuts or Magen Dovid shaped sprinkles!

A stern note: The beer (and future vodka) projects elicited censure from Israel's Anti-Drug Authority, which noted that laughing gas is a controlled substance and that beer tastes icky. No word on what the Israeli anti-gleeda federation had to say to Ben and Jerry.

When Carbs Attack: Can You Avoid Turning Into a Carbohydrate this Pesach?

-->Check out that Jewish tuchus!

This is a little late but there's still a few days left of Passover and I have to be proactive. I am so full of carbs at this point I'm ready to annoint myself Ms. Potatoe Bod. Soooo, here's some nice wisdom from About.com, one of my favorite websites, on how to cut down/deal with the foods that make you bloated, tired, lazy and I guess, happy.

(That brings me to a conundrum - do I want to be thin and annoyingly hungry or fat and happy? A question for another time.)

The main thing is though: enjoy the holiday, indulge a little and everything in moderation. Oh, and don't do drugs!

"Matzo - Try to get whole grain matzos, which have slightly less carbohydrate (19 grams instead of 22), and at least a little fiber. Also, there's no obligation to chow down on them. Have some raw vegetables on hand for munching if you're hungry before the main meal.
Charoset - Charoset is mostly really healthy, but don't load it down with sugar or honey. If you want it sweeter, you can add a little sugar substitute.
Gefilte fish - Gefilte fish does not have to be hard to make, and that way you can control the extra ingredients. Homemade is so much better than the stuff in jars! If you shop at a store with a fish counter, they will even grind the fish up for you, which speeds up the process. Jewish Food writer Joan Nathan says to think of them as dumplings and they won't seem as big a deal.

Most main dishes are fine. They can include brisket and salmon.

Of course, traditions differ in different areas and in different families - and sometimes it's fun to bend tradition and try something new.

Spring vegetables are common side dishes, especially asparagus. Passover can be a nice time to transition from the often-starchier winter vegetables to the lighter spring ones, which are usually low in carbohydrate.
Kugels made with potato are high in starch, of course. Either have just a few bites, or try a vegetable kugel with less or no potato."

Matzher? I hardly knew her! and other glorious Passover double entendres

--> A new twist on 'Dick in a Box'!



Put down that vacuum slowly and move over to this screen! Yes, you! You've been Pesach cleaning all day and are about to go postal. How about a nice break with some Folger's Crystals and your fave blogger?

Today I have some lovely Passover pickup lines for you to use at your next Seder mixer/rave. Thank me when the object of your affection comes in for a '5th cup' nightcap!

Here's a few that I made up:
* Baby, you make bondage sound like fun!

*I can make you maROAR!

*I know where I'd like to dip my karpas!

And the rest (from various genius internet sources):
* Let's make this night really different from all other nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I've got a Ramses in my pocket and I'm glad to see you!
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?
* Against the wall and spread 'em: I'm going to have to search you for chometz
* I could never Pass you Over * I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
* After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
* What will you do to me for two zuzim?
* I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
*Maybe when Elijah shows up, we can make it a threesome