An Open Letter to People Who Block the Subway Stairs by Yakking Incessantly on Their Cellphones

DON'T do it!

Seriously, what is wrong with these modern-day clods? I can't tell you how many times in the last few weeks alone I've had to weave around these people to just get up the stairs!

And since I'm already listing things that annoy me, why don't I mention those people that send me forwards 20 times a day? You thought I would like to hear the 'secret message from geese' and it's very thoughtful of you, but please for the love of G-d, stop clogging my inbox with this shizzle.

Also, did you hear that Snoop Dogg was arrested again? Honestly, why can't Shnoop stay out of trouble?

Finally, I can't believe it's that time of the month again - yes, I must pay rent. Dammit, I'm in the poorhouse, but that won't stop the telemarketers from calling my cell (which I don't answer if I'm on subway stairs) to ask me for donations.

Britney has Major Tznius Issues and Needs a Bis

How many times is she going to flash her ladyflower, I ask you? She gives new meaning to the words 'a shondah on/in a Honda.'

Someone get this girl a bis skirt (i.e. a shapeless piece of fabric, available for a limited time at tznius.com), stat...

Life Cycle Events: Birthday & Wedding Edition

First off, mazel tov to Tom Cruise (aka Scientologist Psycho) and his robotic bride Katie. I wish them a life full of e-meters and anti-depressants.

Second, it's my birthday! Aren't I pretty? (Okay, that's ScarJo - Scarlett Johannsen - but we share the same birthday. And we're both blond.)

Impending Foodfest: Thanksgiving!!!!

I'm so excited: it's the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Xmas, you blasphemous folk, but Thanksgiving! The idea of being given a day off to celebrate a day in which you are supposed to gorge yourself on delish chazerai such as stuffing makes me almost explode with glee (and pie) every year.

I had a feeling that us Yiddin had managed to spin this in some Jewish way, and I was right. Check out these ideas for 'Jewifying' your holiday! My favorite is the prayer to supplement bircat ha'mazon, in which they give a shout-out to G-d for "rous[ing] the caring of the natives for [the Pilgrims], who fed them turkey and corn and other delights."

Turkey is certainly delightful, but I don't know if I'd go that far with corn. Personally, I'd rather concentrate on maize or Indian Pudding (oooh!).

In any case, happy (early) holiday to you all, and enjoy your turkey comas.

Britney & Kevin: Off to the Beit Din and We Couldn't Be Happier

-->"Damn, yoooo! Whaddya mean my balance is at $0.12??? How'm I gonna fund my wife beater collection now???

I guess I'm back to cleaning bathrooms at gas stations again. Ya think there are rich chicks there?"


MAZEL TOV!!! Petitioners all over the blogosphere that have been praying fervently for this have finally gotten their wish. At long last, Brit Brit came to her white trash addled senses and has filed for divorce from her overly fertile, do nothing poolboy of a hubby, Federloser. We wish B much luck in obtaining a get without having to pay off the opportunistic chazer (even though he is a male and Beit Dins are really impressed by that).

Normally I would say 'nebbuch for the kinderlach,' but I think Sean Preston and Jayden James (JJ - how cute!) will be much better off being cared for by their momma and manny. Now, let's hope that K-Felony fades into obscurity as fast as possible. Shalom, Papo Zao!!

Will the Real Borat Please Stand Up? (In clothing, please)

Oh, hee hee hee. This reminds me of the real Soup Nazi getting pissed at Seinfeld.