If a Meat Cleaver Falls in Teaneck, But No One Read the Price of the Turkey Breast, Is It Fair for Jumpin Jewess to Walk Out Without a Sound?

Kishke is $12.99???




So, yesterday: ROAD TRIP!!! The writers of this mucho-heralded blog, plus one brilliant chiquita of a lawyer, piled into a snazzy (albeit soiled) zzzzZipCar and headed to an engagement party in the wilds of Jersey. There was much singing, cackling and honking along the way - in short, it was the road trip of dreams!

The party was very enjoyable, especially because of the glut of emotional speeches and the near-riot at the buffet (truly a matter of course at Jewish events). All were very happy for the beautiful bride and groom-to-be, as their pairing seemed truly bashert, despite an avowed lack of spirituality and a healthy dose of skepticism as to whether G-d really had anything to do with it. As the debate raged, us JYC writers were even happier to note that real food, ala wraps, were served, along with the usual cakes and cookies that looked tempting but would have caused an emergency trip to the dentist and (non-celebrity) fit club. (A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, kinderlach!)

Once the delight of the party had ebbed, we couldn't just let the fun end there - after all, we were in Teaneck, the 'Jerusalem of the West' (as sagely noted by Jewgrrl). After receiving some enigmatic instructions, we headed over to Cedar Lane, to experience the true Jewishness of Bergen County and profit from what we thought would be cheaper prices on food.

Alas, alack, but the Jumpin Jewess was foiled!!!! After gleefully stomping into Noah's Ark deli and pronouncing the place to be heavenly, I brazenly ordered two pounds of turkey breast from the gregarious counterboy. My eyes fell out of my skull when I was handed the price: $47.16. That boiled down to $22 a pound!!! Now, I'll admit that I didn't look at the price, as I was so certain that it would be cheaper. After all, this wasn't Manhattan! Also, I think I confused turkey breast with the turkey roll you get in cheapo packages. But still, I wasn't about to spend 50 smackeroos on some gobble gobble lunch that was even more expensive than Kosher Marketplace price gouging.

Therefore: I screamed in surprise, returned the package and skulked out silently in shame! My colleagues were chagrined, but not surprised. After all, I am world-renowned for my frugality. All was not lost, however, as we headed to Butterflake Bakery and I bought some delish croutons for $1.99.

After that, we all headed home and lived happily ever after, content in the knowledge that a picture of the Jumpin Jewess now lives above the cash register at Noah's Ark. All in all, a magical day. Look for the movie in a cinema near you!

Lisa Loeb is a shul hopper...

The Jewish Journal of Los Angeles write an expose on just how Jewish Lisa Loeb is.... poor girl is finding it hard to date in Manhattan! Let's all take a moment to feel shocked and sorry for her.

Attention-Getting BlackBerry Blackout Leads Blueberries to Loudly Proclaim, "What are we, chopped liver???"

--> Red berries: coming out of retirement and proud of it, dude!









A patent infringement lawsuit might do the unthinkable: shut down (GASP!) service to gazillions of Blackberry users. Naturally, this has caused panic across the country for busy bee workers who practically orgasm every time they get an email and have carpal tunnel syndrome in their thumbs.

I say: viva la lawsuit! All of this technology has just created more hardship for the people in the workforce today. They are chained to a device that makes them available 24-7, giving them no breathing room to ever, I mean EVER, get away from work. It's gotten so bad that a lawyer friend of mine told me that partners in her firm won't travel to certain countries, since they don't offer Blackerberry service. Maybe this shutdown will give these poor, exhausted shlubs a few days to rest before some service takes over and chains them to their desks once again.

Also: viva la blueberries! Viva la boysenberries, raspberries, mixed berries! All of this unneccessary attention on blackberries has given them a bit of an ego, and frankly, the other berries have had enough. It's their turn to shine, and rightly so. They taste so much better in pies, and in my opinion, that's what really matters!

New York City is just a small Yenta of a town

So, last night I dragged my 8,000 pounds of laundry in a bubby cart to my favorite neighborhood dry cleaners. I like them. They are strategically located under my former (dorm) residence, and I've had some lovely, business-like exchanges with the young Russian yid that owns the place. I don't know if their prices are fair, since I very uncharacteristically have not priced them against other nearby cleaners. But I'm helping out a fellow Jew and also making a name for myself at this establishment, and according to my thinking, therein lie the perks.

Well, sort of. After the endless weighing of my stinky, vacation-smelling clothes, I had another nice little chat with the proprieter and discovered that he lives in my home borough and goes to the same ice cream parlor I used to go to (makes sense - my friend, who is a Russian Jew from that neighborhood, took me there). That was fine. But suddenly, as I carelessly waved goodbye, he popped out with, "I told ____ (name left out to protect the innocent) that you think he is gay!"

Well, golly gee. I couldn't believe it. Aside from the lack of professionalism, I had done no such thing. In fact, I know for a fact that _____ is as red-blooded as they come! I quickly realized that it was a case of mistaken identity. Another resident of my former dorm uses the same dry cleaner, and they have mistaken her for me on a number of occasions (we have the same hair and eye color, but I think we look nothing alike). Apparently the Mystery Man (or M2, as Humpy Ted Casablanca of E! would say), who also lives in said dorm, uses the same cleaner too. He and the maidel who supposedly looks me used to date and now have a jokey relationship that includes collegial taxi rides (Jewgrrl, that was for you!), but I don't have the same level of closeness and warmth in my relationship with him. I do think he looks like a Yiddish Will Ferrel, but that's a story for another time.

Anyway: horrors! M2 would think it was 'funny' (I guess) if he got the message from the maidel, but I don't think he would appreciate hearing it from me (and would be perplexed, in any case). I quickly set the dry cleaner straight, but left shaking my head - is there nowhere you can go to escape the YENTAS that dwell on the Upper West Side? How incestuous can you get? I mean, I know this is summer camp and all, but I didn't know that the store owners were getting into it as well. I guess you just have to laugh...or cry, as I will be doing when I get a potch from M2.

On another, slightly related note, today I accomplished the random feat of finding a doctor in the same building where I work! Now, this is where I like to see connections - I won't have to take off time for the visit.

Moral of the story: Despite the blood-chilling possibility that the store owner providing your service might spread untrue rumors about you, it does pay to be loyal. I got a $15 dry cleaning coupon out of the deal, and in truth, am quite pleased about the whole shebang.

I'm Back and Paler Than Ever - No Longer a Wandering Jew in the Dominican Republic

(Thought bubble) "Dang, that Jewess in the caftan sure has lovely, unlined skin. I think she went overboard with the ski mask though..."
















Hello my darlings, my treasures! I am so happy to be back to blogging for my dear readers, and I must say that Jewgrrl really held it down while I was gone. A double HZAH for her awesome posts and a round of water on the house for everyone!

So, my vacay! It was lovely, relaxing, soothing, with white sand beaches and lush grounds where flamingos and peacocks roamed free (I kid you not)! But let's get down to the important stuff: it was all-inclusive. Yep, all the food and booze were free! Now, you know that Yiddin don't really drink, as they live to fress. Being that the buffets were non-kosher and I am fairly strict both inside and outside the house, it limited the boundless possibilities of an All-You-Can-Eat Eden. However, of course I found things I could eat, and believe me, I enjoyed every minute of the waffle-snarfing, fish-rolling, fruit and veggie-stuffing good time that it was. My heart did not contract as the goyim went buck wild, oh no, not me. I had enough smoothies to keep me occupied and was not jealous of their meat carving, pasta, homeade doughnut or omelet stations that were customized to every epicurian whim!!! (Okay, I was a little olive with envy.) But in general, a buffet is a buffet is a buffet, and it was a lovely experience.

Another wonderful thing about the vacation was the tram. All you had to do was stand on the path and a little train came around to ferry you wherever you wanted to go in the resort. You didn't have to walk 10 feet to the casino! Being that I am a very active person, I felt positively geriatric at the end of the vacation. Needless to say, I mastered 'The Art of the Plop.' All this plopping took place under an umbrella, however, since there was no way I was wrinkling my alabaster skin! Really, my caftan was a sight to behold.

So, I came home very relaxed but dreading the return to the grind. Work has been okay though - I was worried that I would have 700 emails, and I only had 88. Also, the world of pop culture kind of exploded while I was gone, but I had internet access and checked CNN faithfully. Of course, I need to provide my in-depth analysis of the following:

1. Brangelina's love child in the oven - I may be in the minority, but I really can't stand those two. Angelina is the epitome of a weirdo, and while she may do good work, she is basically a man-stealing vampire with full lips. I think she loves her kids but still uses them for photo ops and has alot of unresolved daddy issues.
Now, Brad: He used to be smokin' in his 'Thelma and Louise' days, but he has really let himself go, and now looks like a penis with Billy Idol hair (thanks to Jen Aniston for the apropos 80's reference). Also, even though I think that Brad & Jen split up a little while before they let the world know, it was really uncool how he totally checked out of the relationship, cheated with the vampiress on the set, denied it and then signed on to become Maddox and Zahara's adoptive father. This was all in the space of about 8 months - what the *(*&(&*^?????
Everyone is saying how the kid is going to be really good-looking. Fine, they may have good genes. But methinks the kid is going to be just a tad bit weird. Just a sneaking suspicion!!
Suggestion: Betroth Baby Brangelina Pitt to TomKat Cruise. Both kids cannot escape being alien spawn and might as well procreate and expand their new race.

2. Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe have separated - Everyone is really shocked, but then thinks a minute and decides it has to be because her career has rocketed out to the stratosphere, and he's still riding the coattails of 'Life Goes On.' (Shout out to Corky!) I actually am not shocked. I once had the pleasure of sneaking into the Narciso Rodriguez fashion show, where I glimpsed Hil & Hub. She was strutting around 20 feet ahead of him like she owned the place, and he was daintily flitting along behind her with a puppy-love smile on his face. I wondered at that time how long it could last and now the end has come. Still, they seemed like they actually loved each other.
Projection: These two actually have a chance of getting back together. Ms. Swankster should limit the strutting, however.

I will end it on this:

3. David Hasselhoff is getting divorced - WHAT THE HELL ARE HIS FANS IN GERMANY GONNA THINK?????

Sayanara, but only for now!

Hello kiddie-poos! I wanted to say ta ta for now, since tomorrow I'm off on a (incredibly well-deserved - trust me) vacation. I will be thinking of all of our readers in Sri Lanka, Canada and other far-flung places fondly as I do nothing but drink pina coladas and read trashy mags. Don't forget me!!!! I will be back next Tuesday, ready willing and able to blog!

JewYorkCity is also going to Israel, so be good to JewGrrl while we're both gone!!

Mwah!! (that equals smooch)

New Year's Resolutions...

...are goyish crap. Why wait until December 31 to think about improving your life, when every day is a new opportunity to make yourself a happier, more whole and glittery person?

This year, the big change in my life took place during random points in the year (Mar Cheshvan was a highlight), while my New Year's resolution was small and attainable. In 2006, I've vowed to watch more Will Farrell movies, and since I watched parts of both Anchorman: Ron Burgundy Has the Weirdest Hair Ever and Old School: Will Farrell Has a Flabio Tush over the weekend, I'm well on my way to success!

I recommend this strategy for you all, so follow in my illuminated path and you will not be disappointed! (Just don't be a ganev and steal my brilliant and hilarious resolution.)

Gwyneth is fasting on Rosh Hashana!

...somebody tell this poor girl that we only fast on Yom Kippur....

... those crazy Minskers.