I'm Back and Paler Than Ever - No Longer a Wandering Jew in the Dominican Republic

(Thought bubble) "Dang, that Jewess in the caftan sure has lovely, unlined skin. I think she went overboard with the ski mask though..."
















Hello my darlings, my treasures! I am so happy to be back to blogging for my dear readers, and I must say that Jewgrrl really held it down while I was gone. A double HZAH for her awesome posts and a round of water on the house for everyone!

So, my vacay! It was lovely, relaxing, soothing, with white sand beaches and lush grounds where flamingos and peacocks roamed free (I kid you not)! But let's get down to the important stuff: it was all-inclusive. Yep, all the food and booze were free! Now, you know that Yiddin don't really drink, as they live to fress. Being that the buffets were non-kosher and I am fairly strict both inside and outside the house, it limited the boundless possibilities of an All-You-Can-Eat Eden. However, of course I found things I could eat, and believe me, I enjoyed every minute of the waffle-snarfing, fish-rolling, fruit and veggie-stuffing good time that it was. My heart did not contract as the goyim went buck wild, oh no, not me. I had enough smoothies to keep me occupied and was not jealous of their meat carving, pasta, homeade doughnut or omelet stations that were customized to every epicurian whim!!! (Okay, I was a little olive with envy.) But in general, a buffet is a buffet is a buffet, and it was a lovely experience.

Another wonderful thing about the vacation was the tram. All you had to do was stand on the path and a little train came around to ferry you wherever you wanted to go in the resort. You didn't have to walk 10 feet to the casino! Being that I am a very active person, I felt positively geriatric at the end of the vacation. Needless to say, I mastered 'The Art of the Plop.' All this plopping took place under an umbrella, however, since there was no way I was wrinkling my alabaster skin! Really, my caftan was a sight to behold.

So, I came home very relaxed but dreading the return to the grind. Work has been okay though - I was worried that I would have 700 emails, and I only had 88. Also, the world of pop culture kind of exploded while I was gone, but I had internet access and checked CNN faithfully. Of course, I need to provide my in-depth analysis of the following:

1. Brangelina's love child in the oven - I may be in the minority, but I really can't stand those two. Angelina is the epitome of a weirdo, and while she may do good work, she is basically a man-stealing vampire with full lips. I think she loves her kids but still uses them for photo ops and has alot of unresolved daddy issues.
Now, Brad: He used to be smokin' in his 'Thelma and Louise' days, but he has really let himself go, and now looks like a penis with Billy Idol hair (thanks to Jen Aniston for the apropos 80's reference). Also, even though I think that Brad & Jen split up a little while before they let the world know, it was really uncool how he totally checked out of the relationship, cheated with the vampiress on the set, denied it and then signed on to become Maddox and Zahara's adoptive father. This was all in the space of about 8 months - what the *(*&(&*^?????
Everyone is saying how the kid is going to be really good-looking. Fine, they may have good genes. But methinks the kid is going to be just a tad bit weird. Just a sneaking suspicion!!
Suggestion: Betroth Baby Brangelina Pitt to TomKat Cruise. Both kids cannot escape being alien spawn and might as well procreate and expand their new race.

2. Hillary Swank and Chad Lowe have separated - Everyone is really shocked, but then thinks a minute and decides it has to be because her career has rocketed out to the stratosphere, and he's still riding the coattails of 'Life Goes On.' (Shout out to Corky!) I actually am not shocked. I once had the pleasure of sneaking into the Narciso Rodriguez fashion show, where I glimpsed Hil & Hub. She was strutting around 20 feet ahead of him like she owned the place, and he was daintily flitting along behind her with a puppy-love smile on his face. I wondered at that time how long it could last and now the end has come. Still, they seemed like they actually loved each other.
Projection: These two actually have a chance of getting back together. Ms. Swankster should limit the strutting, however.

I will end it on this:

3. David Hasselhoff is getting divorced - WHAT THE HELL ARE HIS FANS IN GERMANY GONNA THINK?????