Only "JEWISH PEOPLE"!!

Ahhh, this almost makes me care enough to go out there and vote! Apparently, there are other parties running in the mayoral election besides the Repub's and the Demo's. There's Independence, Green, Working Families... and the Rent is Too Damn High Party. Of course, some goy named Jimmy McMillan is the forefront runner for the RTD party, and according to his web site, he believes that not only did we know about 9/11, but we are actually chasing them out of Brooklyn! 25,000 apartments in Brooklyn are only being rented to the "Jewish people", he claims. Thank you Gawker for letting me be aware.

I must not be on the "Jew list", because apparently I'm not getting the messages. I never noticed any Jews in Brooklyn anyway....

Simchat Torah, Part Ew

Jumpin' Jewess here, your Simchat Torah correspondent for all news, all the time. Unfortunately, there is not much to say this year. Because of the holidays falling during the week, October was basically one long Shabbos (Sabbath to the secular readers in the audience).

Therefore, the entire month was spent:*
-eating
-drinking
-spending way too much time with family
-fasting/atoning
-then eating and drinking again and again (often in canvas huts)
-going to synagogue
-traipsing about in the rain
-dancing like a maniac in hora-like circles AND
-socializing (while simultaneously trying to avoid the freakish boys that used to like you and crunchy granola women swathing about in Grateful Dead-like tallises).
*Interspersed between all this gaiety were a few days spent at work, freaking out about how little could be done because of the impending holidays.

Now, I guess there's nothing wrong with one month of that in theory, but I, JJ, am personally sick of the whole dang shebang.

Which is why Simchat Torah was basically one long food/yak fest. Which is also why I am going into seclusion this Shabbos, where I will not be talking to anyone, celebrating anything at all (even the fact that Nick Lachey is probably a single man) or eating anything at all for a cleansing liquid fast. Okay, just kidding about the eating part. I am Jewish after all.

Back from High Holiday Heaven into the World of Pop Culture Hell

HMMMMM........



What really sends Tom's sperm babies swimming???

Hello to our loyal readers! Sorry I have been away - I know that you have missed me! (Sniff, sniff!) Actually, I have missed you all very much. As Jews all over the world rang in the New Year, the world o' pop culture still went on. So much has happened in my absence, so let me put my Jewish spin on these earth shaking events:

- Katie Holmes is expecting (Tom Cruise's) L. Ron Hubbard's turkey baster baby - could this demonic Scientology Spawn begin the War of Gog U'Magog? Or, could she just be putting on fake padding with an outie belly button, to show the world once again what a MANLY MAN that Mr. Cruise is? The Catholic church which Katie's family regularly attends (and she attended until her induction into her new cult - oops, I mean religion) is said to be shocked that she is promoting premarital sex so openly. The Jumpin' Jewess is shocked that she is pretending that she and Tom actually HAD sex! In any case, this is nisht gishmak.

Which leads to my next point, that couples who are not married but are fooling around should get a heter to go to the mikvah, so they aren't tamay. Witness:

-Jen Aniston and Vince Vaughn! She straddled him on the balcony - he looked bored - they kissed - violins played and music soared! - PR set-up anyone? Sorry, I'm a cynic. Anyway, I'm shocked, SHOCKED that they are not shomer negiah. Incidentally, Angelina and Brad plan on posing naked together in the name of 'art.' Cherem to follow shortly.

-Much to the delight of shrieking tweens everywhere, Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray are divorcing because of his unforgivable (really, how disgusting is he?) gileui arayot. Guess there was more than one tree on his hill! (Ba-da-BOOM!) That shvitzer Chad cannot be trusted- cross him off my list of people to set up! Sophia, there are many nice bochurim in the sea - perhaps you should go for the shteiger this time. In any case, you are a very pretty girl and will surely get remarried and have a bayit neeman b'Hollywood. Karet for Chad to follow shortly.

-Sadly for 'Newlyweds fans', Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey will also probably be getting a get, despite Creepy Pa Simpson's many attempts to sway the media to the contrary. Give it up guys - it aint working, and no one is fooled. Let's face it - Jessica wasn't the best balabusta and was more interested in shopping and partying (with the oddly named yet intruiging CaCee), and Nick just wants a down-to-earth maidel. Luckily, there are no kinderlach to worry about, and Nick doesn't care about Jessica's pseudo-child, Daisy the Dog. The Rabbis provided the loophole of divorce for a reason, so USE it! *Nick, call me!*

On to the (pitifully lacking) good news:
-Nicholas 'Weirdo' Cage and his (daughter) ahem wife named their new son Kal-el, after an important figure in Superman. At least Mr. Cage knows the value of recognizing G-d's hand in their magical son's birth.

I must say, this has been a particularly snarky entry. Did I learn nothing from my repentance over the holidays??? Sigh....

Another reason we love LA....

... Hillary Clinton stopped off at Temple of the Arts in Beverly Hills on Yom Kippur to mussar the heebs on forgiveness.

"Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with fairness" states the NY democratic Senator and possible 2008 presidential candidate. "Life is never fair. It is full of things that can never be excused" reports The Jewish Journal.

Wonder if she gave a specific example of what can never be excused?

Also, curious if a unnamed possible former intern-turned-handbag-designer-turned nobody with a name that rhymes with Chanukah was in the audience...?

Madonna to be excommunicated??

Yahoo News reports that Madonna's new album, "Confessions on a Dance Floor" (befitting for Pre-Yom-Kippur has a song titled "Isaac" (befitting for a Jew) about Rabbi Yitzhak Luria, a 16th century Jewish mystic and Kabbalah scholar. As Yahoo! reports, this blasphemous act is drawing criticism from Rabbis in Israel (apparently, they missed her book in the '90s).

"Another rabbi called for Madonna to be thrown out of the community" reports Yahoo.

.... exactly when was Madonna really in the community?!?!