Back from High Holiday Heaven into the World of Pop Culture Hell

HMMMMM........



What really sends Tom's sperm babies swimming???

Hello to our loyal readers! Sorry I have been away - I know that you have missed me! (Sniff, sniff!) Actually, I have missed you all very much. As Jews all over the world rang in the New Year, the world o' pop culture still went on. So much has happened in my absence, so let me put my Jewish spin on these earth shaking events:

- Katie Holmes is expecting (Tom Cruise's) L. Ron Hubbard's turkey baster baby - could this demonic Scientology Spawn begin the War of Gog U'Magog? Or, could she just be putting on fake padding with an outie belly button, to show the world once again what a MANLY MAN that Mr. Cruise is? The Catholic church which Katie's family regularly attends (and she attended until her induction into her new cult - oops, I mean religion) is said to be shocked that she is promoting premarital sex so openly. The Jumpin' Jewess is shocked that she is pretending that she and Tom actually HAD sex! In any case, this is nisht gishmak.

Which leads to my next point, that couples who are not married but are fooling around should get a heter to go to the mikvah, so they aren't tamay. Witness:

-Jen Aniston and Vince Vaughn! She straddled him on the balcony - he looked bored - they kissed - violins played and music soared! - PR set-up anyone? Sorry, I'm a cynic. Anyway, I'm shocked, SHOCKED that they are not shomer negiah. Incidentally, Angelina and Brad plan on posing naked together in the name of 'art.' Cherem to follow shortly.

-Much to the delight of shrieking tweens everywhere, Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray are divorcing because of his unforgivable (really, how disgusting is he?) gileui arayot. Guess there was more than one tree on his hill! (Ba-da-BOOM!) That shvitzer Chad cannot be trusted- cross him off my list of people to set up! Sophia, there are many nice bochurim in the sea - perhaps you should go for the shteiger this time. In any case, you are a very pretty girl and will surely get remarried and have a bayit neeman b'Hollywood. Karet for Chad to follow shortly.

-Sadly for 'Newlyweds fans', Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey will also probably be getting a get, despite Creepy Pa Simpson's many attempts to sway the media to the contrary. Give it up guys - it aint working, and no one is fooled. Let's face it - Jessica wasn't the best balabusta and was more interested in shopping and partying (with the oddly named yet intruiging CaCee), and Nick just wants a down-to-earth maidel. Luckily, there are no kinderlach to worry about, and Nick doesn't care about Jessica's pseudo-child, Daisy the Dog. The Rabbis provided the loophole of divorce for a reason, so USE it! *Nick, call me!*

On to the (pitifully lacking) good news:
-Nicholas 'Weirdo' Cage and his (daughter) ahem wife named their new son Kal-el, after an important figure in Superman. At least Mr. Cage knows the value of recognizing G-d's hand in their magical son's birth.

I must say, this has been a particularly snarky entry. Did I learn nothing from my repentance over the holidays??? Sigh....