This just in: Shloimie Faffenfuffer, 32, proprietor of the esteemed Glatt Bagels and Ladels dining establishment in Far Rockaway, Five Towns, New York, has just held a press conference to announce that he is the true father of Anna's lost child, poor Dannielynn!
Yes, the world has waited in wonder for the true father to step forward, and good Shloimie has obliged. Ealier today, he helpfully had his powerful DNA airlifted to authorities in Bahamas, to the Seminole Hard Rock Kafe, Kasino & Kvetch in Tallahassee and to speechless reporters at
bangitout.com (along with the boring scientist types that are going to do the actual CSIesque testing of his life granting, spermy matter).
We cashed in our Jewish Mafia connections and Herr Faffenfuffer gave us the exclusive story: "Eh, forget those silly shlemiels that claimed to be the tattie! Prince Zsa Zsa, the shaigetz blond photographer Birkhead and that Shvitzer Stern are all imposters! I am the true abba of darling Dannielyn."
He told us about their bashert five weeks of dating: "What Anna Nicoleleah and I had was very special. She was sent to me as a match on Saw You at Sinai and when I saw her Yiddishe physique, I knew I had to meet at her once. Our first date was at the Marriott Marquis and we had a lovely time at the spinning lounge. She had a Diet Coke, no lemon! What a bas Yisroel! Her middos were gevald."
The bombastic bagelmaker paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "Yes, she was pregnant before we stood under the chuppah, but she was going to be called a betulah on the ketubah anyway! I had reserved the Rose Castle for Lag B'Omer and Star Caterers were ready to go."
He detailed the ramifications of her death: "My dear mama is flipping out because we put a deposit down with the florist. I keep seeing visions of her and can't concentrate. My blue and white cookie baking schedule for Yom Ha'atzmaut pre-orders is all out of whack!"
Dr. Shloimie went on to tell us what keeps him going: "Only thoughts of Dannielynellah get me through the day. She looks just like me - see that panim? I must bring her back to Far Rockaway with me and have her enrolled in Torah Temima Preschool at once!"
He vowed to fight on: "I have the Rabbinical Counsel of America and the Star-K hashgacha behind me. There is no way we are losing this legal battle. Next year in Jerusalem!"
We should never know from the depths of his pain. Good luck Shloimie and may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion. For those interested, Glatt Bagels and Ladels will be kosher for Pesach and is slashing prices on egg kichel this Thursday only!
Labels: Anna Nicole Smith, Shondas
