Holy Thanksgiving, Batman!

Last night I had a dream. A beautiful dream. In this vision, I was lovingly spooning stuffing in my mouth, delicately snarfing down sweet potatoes and indiscriminately wolfing down pecan pie, happy as a (kosher) clam.

You see my children, Thanksgiving is upon us. It is the happiest chag of the Jewish year, since it is all the food and none of the guilt. Read that sentence over again so you can feel the impact - no guilt. As a patriotic American citizen, you are expected to stuff yourself like a well-shaped butterball turkey and plop down in front of the TV (to preferably watch football although I prefer Laguna Beach - don't tell Jewgrrl). It is a no-holds-barred foodfest, and there are no Jewish traditions to worry about, such as teshuva, prayer or beating your heart for your sins. (I suspect I will be patting my distended belly, but that is not the same thing.)

In this gleeful spirit, with shout-outs to Pocohontas, the Nina, the Pinta, the Santa Maria, Chrissie Columbus, Amerigo Vespucci, my mother for her cooking and all the turkeys that will be giving up their lives l'shaim food, I offer this list of what I am grateful for:

-My stylish and comfy Aerosoles brown boots that I have been wearing every day and were reasonably priced (unlike other stores on the Upper West Side - Club Monaco, that means YOU);
-The re-election of Mayor Bloomberg, a wonderful Yid. Thank G-d our bars and dance venues will be smoke free for another year. Phillip Morris - eat our dust! Cough! Cough!
-Shanghai Red nail salon, which offers free green tea and pretzels with their services, replete with technicians don't appear to be gossiping about me in a foreign language;
-Tom Cruise, who finally fired his incompetent sister as his publicist and hired a real hack, allowing himself a 1.5% chance that he can salvage his career and a shred of dignity by being forced to keep keep his trap shut about post-partum depression and how heterosexual he is;
-Brownie, who's doing a heck of a job! (Just kidding - FEMA =feh);
-The guy who dressed up as Yoshka (otherwise knows as Hay-sus to you secular folks) over October's Purim (Halloween) and blessed all in his flowing caftan. Thanks also goes out to The portly Asian man/sumo wrestler who dressed up as a nun. Mother Superior, may good occur onto ye. They showed that religious understanding can exist and renewed my faith in humanity (or at the very least, costumes);
-JewYorkCity's roomate, who allowed me to jump like an impaled kangaroo all over his room and take over his CD collection at their last big shindig. For that matter, I am thankful for his CD collection, which included Justin Timberlake, Britney Spears, and Cher's greatest hits. It doesn't get much better than that;
-Staten Island, for just being there. Even if I am priced out of Manhattan, as I know I eventually will be, I can take comfort in the fact that wherever I move, it will most likely be more fabulous than SI (although perhaps not as gritty and down-home);
-The fact that I might one day outgrow such blatant New York City snobbery (highly uncharitable but so deliciously fun!);
-Torah, chessed, ma'asim tovim, and all that good stuff;
-Kreplach, Yerushalmi kugel, kishke and all that good stuff;
-The crosstown bus, which delicately deposits me on the East Side each time I dare venture outside the hallowed blocks of the Upper West;
-Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
-Muumuus of the Mrs. Roper kind (so delightfully retro and sexily ugly!);
-This blog, my excellent co-authors and my darling readers (who I hope number in the millions - a Jewess can dream, can't she?); and finally
-Rice milk, which is so much kinder on my intestines than regular milk or soy milk.

That's it, campers. I hope you enjoy the holiday and gain at least 5 pounds. Otherwise that would unpatriotic and what would the Plymoth Rock shadchans say?