On Internet Porn, Children, Judaism and Muppets: A Scholarly Discourse (Intercourse?)

As I rested from the day's labors with my ritual lunch (five minutes sitting at my desk and shoving partially frozen food into my beak), I contemplated the latest edict handed down in some very frum communities. Apparently, a group of very involved Rabbis have banned the internet among their flocks. That's right, completely banned it, and any parents found to have it in their home computers will have their kids promptly kicked out of Yeshiva, with a huge black 'CHEREM' stamp on their tush.

Now, I've tried to understand this. Since I was not born yesterday (in fact, I am an old hag about to turn 28), I realize that there is a preponderance of a little thing called porn on the internet. That means that at some point on your travels on the glorious info highway, you're bound to stumble upon some media that show Places in France Where Naked Women and Men Dance (and believe me, they're not ponying or Israeli dancing). These sites are nothing to sneeze at and make your parents' (ew!) Friday night mitzvah rumbles look like The Muppet Show. And for that matter, you can probably find sites dedicated to muppets and porn. (Try MuppetLove.com - not that I would know from personal experience.)

However, there are elements of the internet - true gems! - that are getting lost in the shuffle. For instance: online shopping (oooh plumber.com!) the real truth about every celebrity, sites that allow you to find a fellow Trekkie in Mongolia, and of course, our blog. On a Jewish note, there are sites that teach kids the aleph bet, give women the stunning opportunity to shop for the latest snoods and Shabbos robes, and tell the charming and touching story of
Hanukkah Harry.

How can the Rabbis justify the ban in the face of so much wisdom and Yiddishkeit? Don't they know that parents can install filters on their computers? Don't they realize that not allowing kids to see something makes it that much more sexy to them? Kinderlach will find a way to elude the Internet Police (not to be confused with the Tznius Police), mark my words.

I don't know the solution to this. It would take someone with the wisdom of King Solomon to figure out a solution. And it would take someone with the wisdom of a tse tse fly to watch Fozzy Bear, Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy have a threesome.