jew.york.city

Jewish Mothers! (In honor of Mother's Day)

2007-05-13T19:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all you long suffering Jewish mamas, slaving over the stove to perfect your gefilte fish and scrubbing floors to send poor Yidel to cheder! In your honor, I've included a list of stereotypes of Jewish mamas, courtesy of the ever genius Wikipedia.(Don't mind the sarcasm, mommy, we love you!)

Typical activities of a Jewish mother include:

1. Worrying about the day to day movements, relationships and income of her offspring, even (and usually) when they are fully grown adults.

2. Overprotecting and taking a concern in the welfare of her offspring to such an extent that it becomes ridiculous, activities may range from sending strudel in the post up to her children when they are at university, calling them on a day to day basis, expressing interest as to whether they are 'eating well' or if they have 'done their washing,' and not letting them do anything that she perceives as 'unsafe,' or 'dangerous,' even if the chances of danger are ridiculously small.

3. Usually very skilled in the kitchen, often making meals of kosher quality in excessive proportions.

4. Often getting in the way of the relationships of her offspring, often expressing much distaste and bitterness towards the man that her daughter is in a relationship with unless he is earning a large income.

5. Often setting up her sons with various women she deems fit, and making suggestions to her sons and daughters of potential partners.

6. Taking excessive pride in the achievements of her offspring. This is most apparent when in conversation with other (usually Jewish) women her own age, often making references to "My son, the lawyer... ", or "My son, the doctor...".

7. Persistant nagging of her children if she considers them to have underachieved academically or financially, or if they remain unmarried.

8. (S)mothering her children, even when they have grown up. The effect, according to Philip Roth in Portnoy's Complaint, is that "a Jewish man with parents alive is a fifteen-year-old boy and will remain a fifteen-year-old boy until the day he (or his parents) dies."

9. She stresses being respected and honored by her children. Hence, the classic dismissal of Freudian theory: "Oedipus shmoedipus! A boy shouldn't love his mother?"

10. Want their sons to be doctors when they grow up.

11. She manipulates her child through the use of guilt, as in the old joke: Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A: (with mournful Yiddish accent) Don't worry about me; I'll just sit here in the dark.

And from me: 12. Calls you her 'shayna maidelah'!! :)

Frummy Job Fair!!

2007-05-04T19:09:00.000-04:00

Jobs are available at the OU! If you want to work with your semitic brothers and sisters on a daily basis, and support an organization that supports food (always a worthy cause), here is the info:

OU Job Fair 6/5, 11 Broadway

Registration for the OU Job Fair to take place I"H onTuesday June 5, from 11-6 at the OU offices 11 Broadway NYC. This is a virtual job fair and all interviews will take place via Live Video Conference or in person with Employers, Head Hunters etc. We are doingthis in stages, as there are many available jobs. Stage one will takeplace for the following Jobs from 11- 1 P.M.

PLEASE REPLY ONLY TO THEBELOW JOBS FOR THIS TIME SLOT.

TEACHERS, MORAH'S, RABBAIM- English Studies Hebrew Studies -MAJORSCHOOLS ARE PARTICIPATING IN THE NY/NJ AREA

HIGH TECH IT JOBS- I.E PROGRAMMERS, WEB DEVELOPERS, CC+, SENIOR SFOFTWARE DEVELOPERS, DATA BASE ARCHITECT, Tech Engineers

STAGE TWO 1:00 -6:00 P.M. WE WILL POST AN ADDITIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT FORTHIS STAGE NEXT WEEK.

ADDITIONAL JOB ARE. Bookkeeper -Admin Assistants-Social Worker-Case Worker-Graphic Artist-Sales (inside and outside) - Jobs from Home-Nurse-Lawyers-Doctors/Dentists- Secretary/receptionists -Accountants,R.E. Sales/Brokers, Financial Positions and more

TO JOIN THIS FAIR PLEASE POST YOUR RESUME DIRECTLY ON THE ORTHODOX UNION-OU-JOB BOARD. This IS THE ONLY WAY to apply for our Virtual job Fair to take placeTuesday June 5.

To post your resume on the ou job board, please follow these simpleinstructions
1- Please go to this link and follow instructions & fill out the form http://www.ou.org/jobs/job_bank_reg/job
2- You will get a notice that an e mail has been sent to youraccount
3- Please confirm the e mail by clicking on the link provided
4- Log in with your name and password that you created in Step 1
5- Scroll down until you see the resume form. Post your resume byentering the personal information that is required, Make sure that thetitle of your resume is NOT YOUR NAME BUT THE KIND OF JOB YOU ARELOOKING FOR and then fill out or copy the body of your resume information and/or paste on the resume box. If you have an existing resume document then copy it (highlight the body of your resume, pressthe right hand button on the mouse and then scroll to copy-press lefthand button on copy) and now paste it (put a cursor on the body of theOU web page where your resume goes, click right button on mouse and scroll to paste, then hit left hand button on mouse and paste) and your resume body will appear on the page
6- After you do this, please press submit. You are now registeredfor the job fair and your resume is posted

Thanks and best of Luck and much Hatzlocha
Regards Mikejobs@ou. org
http://www.ou.org/ <http://www.ou.org/>

Once and For All: Who is Gay in Hollywood????

2007-04-30T23:57:00.000-04:00

--> Don't let Tom (or Diane) fool you.

It's kinda late and I've had an uneventful but nevertheless exhausting day. Fun little goss tidbits are mosying through my head so why don't I just lay them out here for your enjoyment, rather than formulating a quippy (and of course amusing) entry.

Here goes, kinderlach:

- I got together with some fellow bas yisrael this past Shabbos afternoon. We had a lovely shaleshudes and talked about divrei torah, i.e. what celebrities are definitively feigelahs (gay).*

Turns out one of the chiquitas had a long convo with this woman who works at MTV and she confirmed the orientation of some SLEBS I just knew were crushing on the the color pink: Tom Cruise (oh please, did you ever doubt?), John Travolta, Kevin Spacey and Ms. Jodie Foster.

-My lovably yentish friend also named a hottie I had strongly suspected: Jake Gyllenhaal. Sigh. All the hotties are gay. (Please let Jonathan Rhys Myers be exempt!) She pointed to another actress I couldn't quite figure out: Nicole Kidman. (Don't ask me why she's married to Keith Urban.) And an actress I should have realized, but always thought had bad luck with men: Diane Keaton.

-Finally, she shocked me with this revelation: Meg Ryan! None of my other friends seemed in the least bit surprised. I couldn't believe that I, Ms. Blase Everyone in Hollywood is Gay, did not suspect the Meg. According to my friend, when slebs adopt babies rather than have their own, it's a tipoff. Witness Meg's adoption of her Asian bebe Daisy and (ahem!) Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman's adoption of two kids instead of having their own.

-Then I did some internet research (i.e. Google but research sounds so official) and found that not only was Meg rumored to have a 'very special relationship' with her hairdresser, but she was also suspected of having a 'secret' (i.e. leaked by publicists) relationship with Matthew Perry (also rumored to be gay). That cinched it for me.

Now, you may ask: Why do you care who is gay?

To this I say: If you're going to market yourself as one thing, and you really are another, I'll be danged before I look like a fool! I will Strive For The Truth (the emes if you will)! Just like our sainted grandmothers taught us: don't be fooled by a lokshen kugel masquerading as a brisket!

You may also want to know: What the heck does this have to do with Jewish topics (i.e. JewYorkCity's bread & buttah)?

To this I provide this rejoinder: We were so busy talking about the STAHS on Shabbos, we didn't indulge in any loshon hara (about people we know)! If that isn't sainted, what is?

Layla tov, honeys.

*Disclaimer: Not that there's anything wrong with being gay. No, really. I saw "Trembling Before G-d" and have proven myself to be, on this blog and elsewhere, a firm believer in gay rights. (I mean that.) And hot men in tights. (I mean that too.)

Scandal! Possible Chuppah for Leonardo DiCaprio and Israeli Chickadee Bar Rafaeli?

2007-04-16T23:56:00.000-04:00

--> Bar's going to wear this outfit to shul when she takes Leonardo to Yom Kippur services

Scandal!!!!! A little birdie by the name of Lisa enlightened me as to this piece of news that is rocking the Jewish and non-Jewish velts!

Hot (or hot in Titanic) piece of actor Leonardo DiCaprio might marry Israeli Bar Rafaeli!

Despite the fame, fortune and good looks that Leo brings to the mix, Israelis and Yiddin at large are not happy with this little development.

Why? Leo & Bar practically caused a riot when they visited the Kotel a little while back. Two of Mr. L's bodyguards were arrested after a melee with photographers who tried to snap picks of the winsome twosome as they took a private tunnel tour under the Kotel.

To add insult to injury, Bar (and her conniving eema) were most unpatriotic and dodged the Israeli draft. A few days before she was to enlist in the Tzavah, her mother set her up to marry a 40-something year-old man so she'd be exempt. And guess what? She still doesn't have her "get"!

Just who is Bar anyway? Ms. Bar is a hot model that might be usurping Giselle Buuuuundchen's Victoria's Secret crown. Pretty cham, eh? Gisele is upset because Vicky's Secret wants to sign her on, and Bar is 21 to Gisele's 25. This - ALAS!- makes Senora G. feel old. (Hahahahah! Those models sure are self indulgent, aren't they?)

Also....Bar might be pregnant!

Let's not forget that Leo is not of the semitic persuasion.

Shall we tally up non-chayelet Bar's sins (past, present and possible future)?

1. Kotel crashing

2. Draft dodging

3. Not divorcing the old dude she fake married to avoid the army

4. Possible Shaygetz marrying (to Leo, not the old dude)

5. Possible biyah (that's sex to those who don't know gemara-speak) before marriage resulting in possible Baby Bar (i.e. Bar is no betulah)

6. Making Brazilian supermodel feel old, possibly by posing in lacey underoos

7. Having the name Bar

Someone get this girl over to Bais Yaakov of Jerusalem! She needs to be reprogramed. Let the modeling world have their Giseles. We want our bat Yisrael back!

Beer with Laughing Gas, Ben & Jerry's with Matzah - Israel's Got It All

2007-04-10T23:46:00.000-04:00

-->No laughing gas in these, sorry. But can we interest you in a nice scoop of cheese blintze ice cream with etrog sauce?

Two more reasons to make aliyah - Israeli beer that gets you drunk AND high and Israeli ice cream that contains no yeast!

In case you were tired of trolling helium balloon stands to get your daily dose of whippets, Israeli entrepreneurs reportedly have developed a beer that contains nitrous oxide or laughing gas. The beer, developed by two engineers and approved by the Health Ministry, contains fun and adorable 'laughing gas bubbles' that send sabras who drink it into giggle fits. Good news: Plans for a similar hybrid vodka are in the works!

G-d, you have to love Israel! It produces genius engineers and its Health Ministry certainly has its priorities in order.

In other wonderful gastronomic news, the jolly and portly duo known as Ben & Jerry has done a great service for Passover Loving Israelis Who Also Love Dairy (also known as PLIWALDs). The unleavened new 'Matzah Crunch' flavor, available only at the company's factory in Yavne, Israel, is a French vanilla ice cream boasting chips of chocolate-covered matzah.

I know Passover is over, peeps, but don't you want that constipated, chocolately feeling that comes from eating so much matzah all year long? Think of how delicious it would be with toppings such as wet walnuts or Magen Dovid shaped sprinkles!

A stern note: The beer (and future vodka) projects elicited censure from Israel's Anti-Drug Authority, which noted that laughing gas is a controlled substance and that beer tastes icky. No word on what the Israeli anti-gleeda federation had to say to Ben and Jerry.

When Carbs Attack: Can You Avoid Turning Into a Carbohydrate this Pesach?

2007-04-08T18:11:00.000-04:00

-->Check out that Jewish tuchus!

This is a little late but there's still a few days left of Passover and I have to be proactive. I am so full of carbs at this point I'm ready to annoint myself Ms. Potatoe Bod. Soooo, here's some nice wisdom from About.com, one of my favorite websites, on how to cut down/deal with the foods that make you bloated, tired, lazy and I guess, happy.

(That brings me to a conundrum - do I want to be thin and annoyingly hungry or fat and happy? A question for another time.)

The main thing is though: enjoy the holiday, indulge a little and everything in moderation. Oh, and don't do drugs!

"Matzo - Try to get whole grain matzos, which have slightly less carbohydrate (19 grams instead of 22), and at least a little fiber. Also, there's no obligation to chow down on them. Have some raw vegetables on hand for munching if you're hungry before the main meal.
Charoset - Charoset is mostly really healthy, but don't load it down with sugar or honey. If you want it sweeter, you can add a little sugar substitute.
Gefilte fish - Gefilte fish does not have to be hard to make, and that way you can control the extra ingredients. Homemade is so much better than the stuff in jars! If you shop at a store with a fish counter, they will even grind the fish up for you, which speeds up the process. Jewish Food writer Joan Nathan says to think of them as dumplings and they won't seem as big a deal.

Most main dishes are fine. They can include brisket and salmon.

Of course, traditions differ in different areas and in different families - and sometimes it's fun to bend tradition and try something new.

Spring vegetables are common side dishes, especially asparagus. Passover can be a nice time to transition from the often-starchier winter vegetables to the lighter spring ones, which are usually low in carbohydrate.
Kugels made with potato are high in starch, of course. Either have just a few bites, or try a vegetable kugel with less or no potato."

Matzher? I hardly knew her! and other glorious Passover double entendres

2007-04-01T21:21:00.000-04:00

--> A new twist on 'Dick in a Box'!

Put down that vacuum slowly and move over to this screen! Yes, you! You've been Pesach cleaning all day and are about to go postal. How about a nice break with some Folger's Crystals and your fave blogger?

Today I have some lovely Passover pickup lines for you to use at your next Seder mixer/rave. Thank me when the object of your affection comes in for a '5th cup' nightcap!

Here's a few that I made up:
* Baby, you make bondage sound like fun!

*I can make you maROAR!

*I know where I'd like to dip my karpas!

And the rest (from various genius internet sources):
* Let's make this night really different from all other nights.
* Want to wander through my desert?
* I've got a Ramses in my pocket and I'm glad to see you!
* Wanna look for MY afikomen?
* Against the wall and spread 'em: I'm going to have to search you for chometz
* I could never Pass you Over * I bet I could make you sing Dayenu!
* After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford
* What will you do to me for two zuzim?
* I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac
*Maybe when Elijah shows up, we can make it a threesome

Dick in a Box = Torah in Your Ark??

2007-03-22T22:58:00.000-04:00

I'm a latecomer to the whole Dick in a Box phenomenon, but I think it's hilarious. I was just watching it for the millionth time on YouTube and wondering what the Jewish version would be???

"We've been together such a long time, maidelah
Now it's time to step up to the bima and do some biah

After all, it's the first night of Passover
And my matzoh is quivering for you if you know what I mean

I put my Torah in your Ark
Torah in your Ark babyyyyyy

Every single holiday - Torah in your Ark!
Succos - I'll get out my lulav, boobah!
Purim - Shake my gragger for me!

Just call me Man-o-Shevitz!

It's my Torah in your Ark
Torah in your Ark babyyyyyy"

I like it. Now we just need fellow yid Andy Samberg to stop chasing shiksas and come over and record.

Scandalous Jewish Twist in the Anna Nicole Smith Saga!

2007-03-20T20:05:00.000-04:00

This just in: Shloimie Faffenfuffer, 32, proprietor of the esteemed Glatt Bagels and Ladels dining establishment in Far Rockaway, Five Towns, New York, has just held a press conference to announce that he is the true father of Anna's lost child, poor Dannielynn!

Yes, the world has waited in wonder for the true father to step forward, and good Shloimie has obliged. Ealier today, he helpfully had his powerful DNA airlifted to authorities in Bahamas, to the Seminole Hard Rock Kafe, Kasino & Kvetch in Tallahassee and to speechless reporters at bangitout.com (along with the boring scientist types that are going to do the actual CSIesque testing of his life granting, spermy matter).

We cashed in our Jewish Mafia connections and Herr Faffenfuffer gave us the exclusive story: "Eh, forget those silly shlemiels that claimed to be the tattie! Prince Zsa Zsa, the shaigetz blond photographer Birkhead and that Shvitzer Stern are all imposters! I am the true abba of darling Dannielyn."

He told us about their bashert five weeks of dating: "What Anna Nicoleleah and I had was very special. She was sent to me as a match on Saw You at Sinai and when I saw her Yiddishe physique, I knew I had to meet at her once. Our first date was at the Marriott Marquis and we had a lovely time at the spinning lounge. She had a Diet Coke, no lemon! What a bas Yisroel! Her middos were gevald."

The bombastic bagelmaker paused to wipe a tear from his eye. "Yes, she was pregnant before we stood under the chuppah, but she was going to be called a betulah on the ketubah anyway! I had reserved the Rose Castle for Lag B'Omer and Star Caterers were ready to go."

He detailed the ramifications of her death: "My dear mama is flipping out because we put a deposit down with the florist. I keep seeing visions of her and can't concentrate. My blue and white cookie baking schedule for Yom Ha'atzmaut pre-orders is all out of whack!"

Dr. Shloimie went on to tell us what keeps him going: "Only thoughts of Dannielynellah get me through the day. She looks just like me - see that panim? I must bring her back to Far Rockaway with me and have her enrolled in Torah Temima Preschool at once!"

He vowed to fight on: "I have the Rabbinical Counsel of America and the Star-K hashgacha behind me. There is no way we are losing this legal battle. Next year in Jerusalem!"

We should never know from the depths of his pain. Good luck Shloimie and may you be comforted among the mourners of Zion. For those interested, Glatt Bagels and Ladels will be kosher for Pesach and is slashing prices on egg kichel this Thursday only!

Purim Shpiel Details!

2007-03-08T19:07:00.000-05:00

Come see me perform at the Jewish Center Purim Shpiel this Saturday night!!

Where: The Jewish Center
131 W 86th Street between Columbus and Amsterdam
Upper West Side of Manhattan

When: Sat. night, March 10 at 9pm. Come earlier to get good seats!

Cost: $15 that goes to charity

Hope to see you there! If you're a JewYorkCity fan, come say hi!

Event of the Season: The Purim Shpiel at the Jewish Center!!!

2007-02-21T11:37:00.000-05:00

Grab this chance to see your very own Jumpin Jewess perform live in the Jewish Center's prestigious Purim Shpiel!!

I will be giving voice to characters that deserve to be heard, such as a Jewish Napoleana Dynamite, a ditzy Jewish blond girl and a beeyotchy sorority-type Jewish girl! (See a theme here - Jewish?) The play irreverently skews life on the Upper West Side, in keeping with the gregarious and drunken Spirit of Purims Past.

Here are the important details!

What: The Ices Man Cometh/The Winter of our Discontent (Purim Shpiel)
Where: The Jewish Center
86th St. between Columbus and Amsterdam Aves.
When: Saturday night, March 10 (yes, it's after Purim but will still be HILarious!)

Note: There is an entry fee...more info to be announced...

The Upper West Side is so incestuous we might as well change its name to Kentucky

2007-02-14T09:56:00.000-05:00

Read this and weep! I like to think of the Upper West Side as summer camp, which lends it a whimsical flavor that makes all these interconnections amusing rather than annoying.

Dating Dilemmas
by Leah Hochbaum Fri. Feb 09, 2007

Seth Weiss, 26, a consultant from Chicago, once got set up with two cousins within a two-week span. Alison Rodin, 24, a programming assistant from New York City, once was out to dinner with four friends when it occurred to her that three ofthe women at her table had gone out with the same guy. Shortly after signing our lease, my new roommate and I realized that she'd dated my ex-boyfriend and I'd dated hers.

Welcome to life on New York City's Upper West Side, a place not unlike the Lower East Side of yore, where Jews lived virtually on top of one another in an insular ghettolike community where the synagogues, schools, pickle shops and kosher delis could all be found within a few blocks. It was a dirty and disease-ridden area, but also one that pulsated with a vibrant Jewish pride that many still yearn for today. They needn't, though. That type of Americanized shtetl-living never really disappeared — it just moved uptown. The squalid conditions are gone, replaced by a more hygienic region that lures thousands of young Jewish professionals each year. It's a neighborhood where the youthful and the Modern Orthodox go to findmates. But more often than not, they just end up finding one awkward dating situation after another.

"It's like high school all over again," said Lucy Cohen, 25, an assistant editor. Cohen grew up on the Upper West Side, but she made a conscious choice to stay out of the local dating scene. Cohen moved south, to Greenwich Village, as soon as the opportunity arose, and recently she married a British man she met through a friend."But the stakes are higher," she continued. "It's a small, insulated world, so everyone knows everyone, and ends up dating everyone. But in high school, no one's looking to get serious, whereas on the UpperWest Side, everyone is looking to get serious. And that ends up being anxiety provoking for everyone."

Indeed, most Modern Orthodox Jews on the Upper West Side know eachother, or at least know of each other, since they attend the same synagogues, live in the same buildings and often end up at the same parties. This situation is, to some extent, ideal, because it makes checking upon someone really easy. An enterprising suitor or suitee can usually get a person's entire back-story in just two or three phone calls.It's somewhat less than ideal, however, when a first date becomes a last, or when a couple breaks up.One woman I spoke with lives down the hall from her ex-boyfriend, whohappens to also be the ex-boyfriend of one of her best friends. Another got set up with a guy the same week one of her good friends was asked out by that same guy.The Upper West Side is rife with these kinds of thorny, semi-embarrassing tales, which are told at the Shabbos table each week.

"I choose to stay out of the fray, because the atmosphere's crazy,"said Rosy Zion, 27, a lawyer from Brooklyn who's been living on the Upper West Side for two years. "It's like survival of the fittest uphere. Girls are going after limited resources — the nice Jewish boys," she said with a laugh.Unlike Zion, most people up here find themselves enmeshed in the area and all it offers, and simply hope that each slightly sticky dating situation will turn out to be but a mere pothole along the seemingly endless road to happy coupledom. In fact, after the aforementioned Weiss realized middate that he'dalready set up another date with the girl's cousin, he thought he'd blown things completely and found himself more relaxed in her presence."I figured there was no chance I could really go out with her again,"he said, "so I kind of lost those normal nerves that occur on a first date."They ended up going out for two months.That girl's married to someone else now. Someone she met on the Upper West Side. Someone I used to date.

Shocking Life Cycle Event: Anna Nicole Smith is Dead!!!

2007-02-08T16:23:00.000-05:00

Every year there are a few events that make you gasp when you read them. This is definitely one of them - Anna Nicole Smith died today. The cause is unidentified as of yet but I'm hoping that drugs had nothing to do with it.

Whatever the case, it's really sad and she leaves behind a five month old daughter.

I'll conclude on a Jewish-sounding note: We should never know from such things.

Just what does it mean to CANOODLE???

2007-02-06T14:45:00.000-05:00

-->"Psst-Breindy! Let's canoodle in the Yichud Room!"

What's a Jewess to do? You can't read a good gossip blog or Page Six without hearing that two stahs were canoodling.

Please tell me what this means! Were they flirting? Smooching? Playfully shoving each other? Playing 'Hungry, Hungry Hippos'?

The online dictionary gives it a slightly naughtier definition - I'll leave it to you to check it out.

It seems to me that all it takes is 'canoodledom' to link two random people of the opposite sex. Or of the same sex, in some cases (such are the times we live, Hashem Yerachaim...ha ha...just kidding with the frum tangent).

Anyway! It got me wondering what the Jewish definition of 'to canoodle' would be. For example, two witnesses told us that: Country Yossi canoodled with Sora Rivka Rachel Leah, the kindergarten Morah who lives on 7th St. and Ave. C in Flatbush.*

Did they nod at each other? Go to the revolving lounge on top of the Marriott Marquis for a shidduch date? Check each other out on Frumster (only Orthodox-Machmir profiles, please)? Or-GASP!-play a sick, twisted game in which they potched each others' tushies? It all sounds so sordid!

In other news, a little yonah bird told us that: Mordy Shtender, the counter guy at the new Supersol on W. 92nd St., was seen canoodling with Maidelah Aidelah, the daughter of Mr. Feldfaffer, who always delivers gefilte fish loaves in his station wagon!* I think she's slipping him a little more than the fish! Bada bing!!

Don't tell them you heard it from me.

*All names have been changed to protect the innocent. Okay, this is all libel/fiction. You get the point.

Tights-Wearing, Horse-Riding Man to Marry - Jewish? YU/Stern?

2007-02-05T10:45:00.000-05:00

CNN enlightened me as to the delightful tale of a soldier, just back from Iraq, who dressed as a knight/man in tights to propose to his damsel. Cute story.

It made me wonder just what is happening these days in the YU/Stern World of Post-Adolescent Matrimony. Are the bochurs coming up with creative proposals for their maidelahs? How would a good Jewish tween react to her 20 year old stud if he put on hoisery? Would that go down well in the Stern caf?

I guess I'll have to get an operative to go to the YU Seforim Sale to find out.

Shonda of the Century...I am Speechless

2007-01-31T12:03:00.000-05:00

"Gee Mom, you sure come up with the most wholesome ideas!"

(I love how the little miss on the right is looking down & admiring her work.)

I just received this picture in a forward. I got quite a surprise when I innocently opened the email, let me tell you. Apparently this mother/daughter pair were kicked out of DisneyWorld for life because of their inventive usage of the hallowed Mickey & Minnie Mouse. (And yes, those are their real mezinkas aka boobies.)

Despite having seen alot of weird and pervy crap in my years in the Sodom and Amora that is NYC, I am utterly scandalized. I really hope that this little mishpocha is not part of Klol Yisroel. And if they are, that they choose not to debut their ensembles at the next Sisterhood tea. (Although it would be funny to see the expression on Masha Stimbelstein's wrinkled yet powdered panim...)

Let's not go into the weirdness of the fact that a mother and daughter did this together. Actually, let's get into it. Do they also star in porn films together (one as Daisy Duck the generous masseuse/town slut and one as Petunia the Pig on ecstasy, perhaps)??? And who is the fun-loving, Mardi-Gras-beads-wearing man standing next to them? The husband/father? This is all very freudian.

All of these familial issues have made me paranoid about why my mom sent this to me.

Britney's Jewish Boytoy Gratefully Receives Her Barf

2007-01-22T16:09:00.000-05:00

The Juicy Jewish Journal - Not Your Bubby's Brisket
/Robertson Avenue, Los Angeles/

Area boytoy, our very own tribe's Isaac Cohen, gratefully received a lap full of pop princess projectile vomit late last weekend. Mr. Cohen, an Israel-loving, Kevin Federline lookalike, reportedly burst into a rendition of Schlock Rock's "Bring Back That Shabbos Feeling" while happily being splashed upon.

Cohen, also known as 'Britney's Better Looking But Equally Useless Himbo,' was clad head to toe in Ed Hardy threads that he received at no cost from a starstruck shopkeeper. Upon being asked about his soiled sweat suit, Mr. Cohen invoked his right to Jewish immunity and replied, "I don't know what you're are talking about - that's peanut butter, yo. Show some compassion to your fellow brother!"

Ms. Spears had this to say: "I adore Jewish rump roast. Don't y'all like his booty..." The rest of her sound bite was incoherent due to a second flood of indeterminate matter.

Experts are skeptical about the peanut butter theory, given that 99% of clubgoers do not carry jars of Skippy or PB&J sandwiches with a thermos of icy milk when they visit respected establishments such as Hyde or Teddy's.

Rabbis across the country have condemned both the semitic scenester and his trailer loving girlfriend. "Oy, he is a blight on the name Isaac!" lamented Rabbi Milton Shimmelsharb of Congregation Ohel of Love during his Shabbos Mincha sermon, "His namesake Yaakov climbed a ladder for all of us, and this fakakta yingel set us back 200 years just to get some free nasherai from a shiksa with shlechta hair extensions!!"

Mr. Cohen's ancestors did not return calls for comment. However, Bnai Brith Cemetary caretakers report that they are, in fact, rolling around in their graves. "They're not rolling in the figure eight formation that we saw when Michael Jackson tried to convert, but they are doing a respectable circle," stated Marty Blockstein, Administrator at Large of Bnai Brith. "We're issuing a plea to Isaac to please put on a clean warm-up suit, since this is disturbing to other residents - particularly to Stanley Stein, who rests next to the Cohen clan."

While Mr. Cohen and the pukey pop tart ended the evening in question by squealing out of the parking lot, it appears that the vomitatious happening will reverberate in the Yiddish Stratosphere for generations to come.

UPDATE: The Juicy Jewish Journal has since learned that Britney and Isaac have sadly broken up. Not to worry, Mr. Cohen, there are many more drunken starlets that would be happy to use you as a human garbage can.

Borat is Surprisingly Hot

2007-01-17T14:48:00.000-05:00

-->"I dedicate this award to the suffering of Jewish people throughout the ages. I have joined them in their torment, having become intimately acquainted with Azamat's authentically ethnic yet undeniably gaseous golden globes."

So, we all dismissed the real man underneath the hideous suit, mustache and cloyingly disgusting accent and figured him to be just as gross as his fictitious Kazhak counterpart.

However, Sacha Baron Cohen surprised us all by looking superhot at the Golden Globes. There is hope for Jewish men after all. (Even the picky dude at DListed wants his semitic butt!)

Call me, Sacha! (You don't need that shiksa in lamb's clothing Isla Fisher!)

Sing it with me:

Roses are red
The Israeli flag is white and blue
Come to mama, Sacha
Jumpin' Jewess wants you*

(*but PLEASE ditch the commentary on Azamat's hindquarters)

'Frum' Porn Auditions: Not for the Faint of Heart

2007-01-16T10:24:00.000-05:00

CIn the past, I've posted funny Craig's List postings that have a Jewish spin, but this tops them all. I think it's disgusting (especially one sentence - you'll see) but far be it from me to deny you all the humor, so 'enjoy.' And if you do audition, please report to us on how it goes (and G-d help your soul).

Jewish Filmmaker seeks Frum Actors and Actresses
Date: 2007-01-13, 1:11AM EST

A noted Jewish filmmaker is looking for actors and actresses to appearin the first ever all frum German style "scheisse" film "Cholent AndThe Gedolim". To qualify, all actors must be ready and willing to have sexual intercourse on film with the other actors and actresses. It is also required to eat and smear urine and feces. We need at least two actors with white beards.

Filming will begin on location in the Flatbush area of Brooklyn Sunday, January 28th and should conclude by Monday afternoon. Compensation is $100 per day and will only be given after release forms are signed. Non-union performers are welcome. Please be over 21 with a valid ID. We also need to rent a sefer torah with a yad for the grand finale scene. We can pay $100 per day to anyone who can provide them.A ll men in the grand finale scene must bring their own tallis and tefillin (phylacteries) and white yom kippur yarmulkas.

A Day in the Life of Jumpin' Jewess

2007-01-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

Since I know you are dying to find out what your favorite blogger does all day, I thought I'd enlighten you:

7:45am - Alarm clock goes off. Open one eye, snicker, and fast forward the alarm.

7:59 - Have tormented dream about Jewish version of American Idol.

8:09 - Drag carcass out of bed. Ponder oatmeal but crave cereal. Gallop to kitchen and eat delish bowl of Raisin Bran with rice milk and blueberries.

8:21 - Throw open closet and put on charming outfit of black gaucho pants, patterned tights, adorably hippy gypsy top, comfy black flats.

8:41 - Makeup. Freaking eyeliner takes forever to apply and five q-tips have to die until it's finally applied correctly. Remind self once again that should have bought Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner but can't stomach trip to East Side Bloomie's.

8:58 - Finally out the door into the cold. Walk in street past garbage bags to avoid rats.

9:10 - On bus. Have evil wish that bus would just bypass physically challenged people that need ramp and delay my trip.

9:21 - At work, at last! Check email. Grimace at sad state of lone plant on desk.

10:05 - Down to work. Data data blah blah.

10:32 - Time for a snack. Granola bar. Decide to cancel dentist appointment for the millionth time. Will get to it next week (riiight).

11:15 - Time for another snack. Apple #1.

11:41 - Intruiging email from inappropriate yet adorable guy. Ponder sexy yet snappy comeback. Save as draft so response isn't too quick and therefore desperate.

12:11 - Finally okay to send email. Giggle.

12:17 - Lunch!!! Eat insane lunch of drop of tofu left over from last night, half of plain wrap, some cottage cheese.

1:00 - Data data blah blah. Yay! Another email from cute yet inappropriate guy. Imagine him in Superman suit.

1:01 - Time for another snack. Apple #2. Wonder why Roma apples are so much better for baking. Get angry about $3.29 price for grapes at lovely yet overpriced neighborhood grocery.

2:15 - Make plans to get sauced at Rancho this weekend. Love their frozen margaritas.

3:04 - Forced good cheer and small talk with coworker. Wish fervently that I could send them on to 'What Not to Wear.'

4:02 - At last, another snack! Half a can of peas.

5:15 - Head home. Ignore wolf whistle from hideous man who is always working on his ancient car on my street.

5:30 - Home at last! Mail is all crap as usual. No one loves me. No plans tonight thank G-d so drop crap at door, change clothes and rush off to gym.

5:55 - Stupid gym is overcrowded as usual. Tap foot as wait for elliptical.

6:40 - On to weight training. Eye cute guy on Stairmaster.

6:55 - Cute guy gets off Stairmaster. Has too much junk in trunk and is wearing watermelon colored shorts. Cross off list.

7:20 - Finally out of gym. Too late for Jeopardy, dang it! Pass by Starbucks and wish purchase of Venti drink could be justified. Decide to save for retirement instead.

8:00 - Dinner. No energy to cook despite well-intentioned vegetables rotting in fridge.

8:10 - Nuke two veggie burgers and have half pitcher of Crystal Lite. Crave ice cream, brownies, pie. Eat two week old leftovers instead.

8:40 - Pointless phone calls with friends that emailed with all day. Get off phone as fast as possible while admiring beautiful Blackberry.

9:20 - Brokeback Mountain is On Demand! Fast forward to sex scene.

9:40 - Switch cable to Showtime so can watch L Word.

10:36 - Check Palm Pilot to see if have plans for tomorrow. Joy! Roller skating at the Roxy.

11:29 - Off to bed! Switch on Channel 633 for relaxing music to lull self to sleep. Enjoy sounds of Celtic windchimes.

11:49 - Off to sleep....dream of Rabbi of Young Israel dressed inexplicably in toga. On to another exciting day!

Who the hell lives in Cote d'Ivore????

2007-01-05T14:13:00.000-05:00

Rant time! I recently filled out alot of applications online and have wasted alot of time selecting the country in which I reside. I think that it is safe for an American website to default to the US (the country, not the magazine) as the country in which most of its users live. However, many do not...and this forced me to scroll through a list of every freaking country on earth before getting to the U's as in good ol' US and A.

So: hmmm - not Angola; no, not living in Qatar now, although I heard Michael Jackson likes the little boys there; have not made it over to Andorra yet.

I ask you: Do you think a website like Bed Bath & Beyond has users in Outer Mongolia? I'm sure Atilla the Hun's descendants like a good dust ruffle and sham like everyone else, but for the love of G-d, when does the madness end????

Thanks for listening.

do jewish breasts really look like this?

2007-01-02T22:06:00.000-05:00

I think Friendster finally has competition.

Addendum: Story of Engaged Perv Gets Even More Obnoxious and Ridiculous

2006-12-28T14:24:00.000-05:00

"Will you marry me, my little pretty???"

So, I was mucho incensed yesterday and I forwarded my rant about the 'crazily superficial idiot who got engaged' to a few of my friends. The story gets better!

One of them uses the website SawYouAtSinai for her dating needs (matchmaker, matchmaker - ah, but that's a song for another time). Anyhoo, people employed by the site suggest potential dates to users. Well, my friend recently had 'THE PERV' suggested to her as a possible match. (She didn't go - smart gal.) Sooo, that means he was still dating about a month ago....why am I not surprised.

I really should warn the poor, affianced girl. But I won't, since I don't want to get in the middle of that hot mess. I guess I'll watch this story closely to see when (not if) this engagement breaks off.

Viva la Upper West Side!

Obnoxious Perv (that I know) Gets Engaged After World's Shortest Courtship

2006-12-27T11:49:00.000-05:00

I just heard that a guy that came on to me (unsuccessfully) a mere two months ago is suddenly, blissfully engaged! It seems like yesterday that I kicked him out of my apartment for crimes against humanity.

I wonder if he went straight to her loving arms after that little fiasco? Or was it just the kick in the tuchus he needed to begin shidduch dating like a machine?

Now, I won't name names, but I really feel bad for his kallah. He's just the kind of annoying ba'al tshuva that thinks he needs a really innocent, very frum girl when he himself has been acting in various sleazy and assy ways that aren't befitting a Ben Torah.

He's also the kind of general weirdo that insists his women have to be beautiful pieces of art (basically vacant objects) for him to enjoy. While I was initially flattered to be put into that category, I quickly tired of his discussion of how proportionate my arms and legs are and how it's such a relief to hang out with me since he can't stand to be around unattractive people. Never mind that he himself isn't exactly G-d's gift (no matter what his Jewish momma told him).

May I be the first to wish the blushing couple a mazal tov. Much hatzlacha as they embark on this new 'adventure.'

Shonda of the Season: Jewish Lingerie Heiress Likes Santa Too Much

2006-12-27T11:35:00.000-05:00

The New York Times, everyone's favorite anti semitic rag, broke this controversy wide open: Ms. Trashy Lingerie (aka the rich heiress to a company that makes lingerie) offended her fellow Jewish neighbors in the Hancock Park shtetl of LA when she put up a huge Xmas display.

The 'lady' claims that she's just enjoying the festive spirit of the season and that her enjoyment of candy canes do not interfere with her spirit of tikun olam, large Jewish honker and love of lox and bagels. A grouchy Israeli neighbor calls her out, however, for ruining her shidduch chances: "What kind of Jewish girl puts a Santa in the yard???"

Yawn! The only thing that interests me in this whole article is the discussion of undergarments. Do you think she'd give a fellow Jewess a discount?

Eat my big fat latke, Mel Gibson!

2006-12-20T18:06:00.000-05:00

--> My menorah (silhouetted against my lovely venetian blinds)

Or as Gizoogle would say - Maybe Mel Gibson wouldn't be S-to-tha-izzuch a nudnik, if he tasted these. ... I like mah latkes lacy n irregular, n this is tha method I use ta achieve this . Snoop heffner mixed with a little bit of doggy flint. ...

On that note: Happy Chanukah to one and all! Shine on.

Rabbi Mario Brothers!

2006-12-14T10:20:00.000-05:00

"Luigi! Stop jumping on magic mushrooms and act like a member of Klal Yisroel!"

The moment we've all been waiting for has arrived: Jews are finally getting a yiddishe video game! (Okay, I wasn't pining away for this but you know someone in Brooklyn was.)

According to CNN, Manifesto Games has produced "The Shiva," a murder-mystery game in which protagonist Rabbi Stone is having a crisis of faith and his congregation on New York's Lower East side is losing members and cash. When he inherits a small windfall from a controversial congregant, Rabbi Stone must solve the mystery behind the gift and make sure it is not cursed. (emphasis mine)

Tee hee. Let's see what stereotypes about shul life were actualized in fun digital format:

-The Rabbi has a crisis of faith! He thinks Mr. Finkelblatt's wife Aidelah is kind of cute and can't stop fantasizing about shaking her hand!

-Murder! Mayhem! Shiva! Nothing like a death to bring a Jewish family together to fress!

-A shul that's losing members? Was there a machlokes? Which shteeble are the disgruntled ex-members trekking to (5 miles out of their way)??

-A congregant isn't considered kosher by one and all! Controversy in a shul! He took Mr. Melvie Farshookle's seat in the Wednesday morning hashkama minyan one rainy October morning, causing the elderly Farshookle, who had sat in that seat for 53 years, to plotz in shock and demand justice!

-$$$! Need I say more, sons and daughters of Shylock??

This is exhausting. Does this sound like a mindless diversion to you? Oh sure, it's all fun and games until someone chokes on a piece of herring!

My opinion: The game is only $5, but you'll need alot more moolah to pay for therapy to treat your Post Traumatic Jewish Guilt Disorder (the dreaded PTJGD)!

Your Desk May Be a Toilet

2006-12-12T10:39:00.000-05:00

In this hideously wintery time of year (okay, theoretically wintery since yesterday and many other days have been rather heiss), CNN asks the pressing question, "Is your desk making you sick?"

Yes, campers, a study has shown that the typical worker's desk has hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than an office toilet seat. Chew on that...okay, don't, ew.

Maybe that's because of all the shagging that people are doing on their desks during lunchtime quickies on mikvah days.

Jews seeking Muslims and Lube

2006-12-07T11:54:00.000-05:00

Radar magazine has mapped out its Geography of Desire, and it turns out that Florida has the highest population of Jewish singles seeking Muslims in the country! Additionally, New York (well, Albany, which isn't really New York) has the highest concentration of Muslim singles seeking Jews.

Also, New Yorkers seem to buy more lube than any other city in the country. Maybe we have the most chapped lips... I hate when magazines make assumptions on the fact that we buy so much of KY's warming liquid.

p.s. oh... and Im back posting!

No Yichus, No Tuchus

2006-12-06T16:47:00.000-05:00

If you're a female descendant of a Rabbi/Kabbalist and you're looking for some post-mikvah fun in Flatbush (Heaven, please save us!), you might want to contact this pervy Yid on CraigsList.
I must say that I take umbrage at his classist exclusion of Young Israelites!! (And would Kabbalist extend to the new 'Ka-ba-la' cult that Madonna belongs to?)

Date: 2006-12-04, 4:26PM EST
If you are a girl who is descended from big rabbis and kabbalists I want to have sex with you.I want you to come over to my house and tell me about your family yechus and then come to the bedroom and make love. Two weeks ago I did the granddaughter of the chafetz chaim and last night I did the great-great-great grand-daughter of the chozeh of lublin.I am trying very hard to locate relatives of reb moshe feinstein who have big bosoms. Do not apply if your daddy is the rabbi of a young israel.that just doesnt do it for me. No YEECHES No Teeches !!!
Location: Flatbush

George Clooney's Chazer is Nivtar; This is What Passes for News These Days

2006-12-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

CNN is breathlessly announcing the sad death of George Clooney's pet chazer, Max. Although Georgie is said to be devastated, he can take solace in the fact that his beloved potbelly pig died "peacefully" of natural causes.

The walking rack of bacon and other non-kosher delights was a fat pig, but a vain one. His publicist stated that: "He was a big pig, as pigs go. I can't tell you how much he weighed." I'm sure that Max is looking down from hog heaven and snorting with delight over that remark.

The Sexiest Man in America was out of town promoting a film when Max left this world for Olam Ha'Ba. I hope that The Cloons and Max said everything they needed to say, being that they were apart when Max rolled in the mud for the last time. Still, being that they were together for 18 years, no words were probably needed. All George had to do was look in Max's gentle eyes and he would know why "the porker was his longest relationship."

Shiva is being observed at the Sunnybrook Farm. Women, please control yourselves and don't attempt to hit on poor, grieving George at his passed-on pig's funeral.

May George be comforted among other mourners in Hollywood.

An Open Letter to People Who Block the Subway Stairs by Yakking Incessantly on Their Cellphones

2006-11-29T10:22:00.000-05:00

DON'T do it!

Seriously, what is wrong with these modern-day clods? I can't tell you how many times in the last few weeks alone I've had to weave around these people to just get up the stairs!

And since I'm already listing things that annoy me, why don't I mention those people that send me forwards 20 times a day? You thought I would like to hear the 'secret message from geese' and it's very thoughtful of you, but please for the love of G-d, stop clogging my inbox with this shizzle.

Also, did you hear that Snoop Dogg was arrested again? Honestly, why can't Shnoop stay out of trouble?

Finally, I can't believe it's that time of the month again - yes, I must pay rent. Dammit, I'm in the poorhouse, but that won't stop the telemarketers from calling my cell (which I don't answer if I'm on subway stairs) to ask me for donations.

Britney has Major Tznius Issues and Needs a Bis

2006-11-28T16:30:00.000-05:00

How many times is she going to flash her ladyflower, I ask you? She gives new meaning to the words 'a shondah on/in a Honda.'

Someone get this girl a bis skirt (i.e. a shapeless piece of fabric, available for a limited time at tznius.com), stat...

Life Cycle Events: Birthday & Wedding Edition

2006-11-22T14:25:00.000-05:00

First off, mazel tov to Tom Cruise (aka Scientologist Psycho) and his robotic bride Katie. I wish them a life full of e-meters and anti-depressants.

Second, it's my birthday! Aren't I pretty? (Okay, that's ScarJo - Scarlett Johannsen - but we share the same birthday. And we're both blond.)

Impending Foodfest: Thanksgiving!!!!

2006-11-14T10:11:00.000-05:00

I'm so excited: it's the most wonderful time of the year! No, not Xmas, you blasphemous folk, but Thanksgiving! The idea of being given a day off to celebrate a day in which you are supposed to gorge yourself on delish chazerai such as stuffing makes me almost explode with glee (and pie) every year.

I had a feeling that us Yiddin had managed to spin this in some Jewish way, and I was right. Check out these ideas for 'Jewifying' your holiday! My favorite is the prayer to supplement bircat ha'mazon, in which they give a shout-out to G-d for "rous[ing] the caring of the natives for [the Pilgrims], who fed them turkey and corn and other delights."

Turkey is certainly delightful, but I don't know if I'd go that far with corn. Personally, I'd rather concentrate on maize or Indian Pudding (oooh!).

In any case, happy (early) holiday to you all, and enjoy your turkey comas.

Britney & Kevin: Off to the Beit Din and We Couldn't Be Happier

2006-11-08T11:47:00.000-05:00

-->"Damn, yoooo! Whaddya mean my balance is at $0.12??? How'm I gonna fund my wife beater collection now???

I guess I'm back to cleaning bathrooms at gas stations again. Ya think there are rich chicks there?"

MAZEL TOV!!! Petitioners all over the blogosphere that have been praying fervently for this have finally gotten their wish. At long last, Brit Brit came to her white trash addled senses and has filed for divorce from her overly fertile, do nothing poolboy of a hubby, Federloser. We wish B much luck in obtaining a get without having to pay off the opportunistic chazer (even though he is a male and Beit Dins are really impressed by that).

Normally I would say 'nebbuch for the kinderlach,' but I think Sean Preston and Jayden James (JJ - how cute!) will be much better off being cared for by their momma and manny. Now, let's hope that K-Felony fades into obscurity as fast as possible. Shalom, Papo Zao!!

Will the Real Borat Please Stand Up? (In clothing, please)

2006-11-07T11:46:00.000-05:00

Oh, hee hee hee. This reminds me of the real Soup Nazi getting pissed at Seinfeld.

A Very Happy Pagan Holiday to You!

2006-10-31T09:50:00.000-05:00

Good Jews don't celebrate the pagan holiday of Halloween; this is nisht amchu (not of our nation, as my beloved grandmother always says in reference to her goyish roomate - hee).

Still, we are so bombarded with trick or treaters and scantily clad NYers using this as an excuse to whoop it up, I thought JYC should acknowledge the day in some way. So enjoy the following images:

--> "Oh why did I eat half of that meltaway??? Every Shabbos I promise myself that I won't stuff myself with a whole gefilte loaf and 10 pieces of challah...Hey, that rainbow cookie is looking pretty good."
OR

-->"Bubby wants to set you up with her neighbor ____(insert silly name: Shnookie, Shukie, etc.)"

---> "Bubby, my date with Shmookleh went verrrry well."

Some People Only Post When Another Person Posts

2006-10-29T21:05:00.000-05:00

i dont know who but certain ppl, is my message gone yet? it prob is so u wont be able to read it sorry

Jewish Comfort Foods For When It's Kalt Outside

2006-10-26T13:53:00.000-04:00

Brr! Am I the only one who's having trouble adjusting to the cold weather? What the heck happened to the summer? I understand that it's the end of October but it seems like it was warm until a few weeks ago. Now I'm breaking out the gloves.

Because of this sad, sad turn of events, here is a list of foods that should keep you and your belly warm when it's kalt out. (This also will add some padding onto your tuchus, and everyone knows that blubber is useful for keeping warm. Oooh, Blubber....loved that book by Judy Bloom...anyway-):

-Stuffed cabbage (my mom made the raisin-free version, but the sweet kind I've tasted in kosher delis - which I must add are somehow always open on Shabbos - is good too)
-Challah dipped in coffee (don't ask me why, it just works)
-Soup, soup and more soup - chicken soup with alphabet soup is yum, with knaidlech and kreplach even better, mushroom barley delicious, cream of broccoli (? - I don't think so)
-Potatoe kigel straight from the oven
-Sufganiot (Chanukah is coming after all)
-Hot open turkey sandwiches with mashed potatoes
-Hot cereal such as farina
-Hot guys to keep you warm in bed (oops! how'd that get in here?)

Is it Gay for a Man to Each Quiche?

2006-10-26T13:50:00.000-04:00

I asked this question on a message board I go on and these are the answers i got:

1) "It depends on the situation"

2) "If you wake up and theres a quiche on the table you can eat it and not be gay. But if you wake up and say 'I feel like baking a quiche then your gay"

Judaica Man: Putting the Oy in Oy Vey

2006-10-23T18:23:00.000-04:00

No further words needed:

Things that rock (happier, precipitation-free version):

2006-10-19T13:21:00.000-04:00

1. Crystal Lite.
2. Watching 'Old School' on DVD for the 1,526th time.
3. Gan Asia eaten in front of the TV (preferably while watching Old School or similar).
4. Walls painted a color other than white.
5. 80's sentimental crap songs - Air Supply, Chicago, etc. - especially if played in Cafe Classico.
6. Laminated diplomas.
7. Chocolate chip challah fresh from the oven (without obligatory salt).
8. Getting kudos from your friends' bubbys' for frugal actions such as saving buttons.
9. Nick Lachey. Everything about him.
10. Cursing like a truck driver any old time.
11. Time Warner Center - shiny, clean and out of price range.
12. Old Uncle Moishe, Kivi & Tuki, Toby the Taxi and Schlock Rock songs. Especially 'Achashveirosh.'
13. Bookstores that encourage you to spread out and read their magazines for free.
14. Nelly Furtado for reinventing herself as a hot chick.
15. Anything free, at least in theory. (we're Jewish, aren't we?)
16. Meeting 'cool' boys again that snubbed you in high school. They're older, fatter, balder and desperate. You're hot as hell and you know it. They come over and tell say you're smoking, and you laugh, walk away, and swing your hair. Who's the loser NOW, baby?

I can't top #16. RAWQ!

JEWISH BLOGGERS UNITE - DRINKS SOCIAL IN MANHATTAN

2006-10-18T09:59:00.000-04:00

JewYorkCity is planning a Happy Hour in New York City for Jewish Bloggers to mingle, chat, and talk about our narcisstic selves. We're curious to see the public interest in planning an event like this. To get a tentative headcount, please email me your interest in an event like this >>>>>>>> jayse@mac.com

Things that suck (self indulgent, rainy day version):

2006-10-17T12:28:00.000-04:00

1. Rats.
2. Duane Reade.
3. Alarm clocks.
4. Cinnamon raisin challah.
5. Manicure chips. Potatoe stix.
6. Running into annoying people in the Jewish Center (you know who you are).
7. Gym membership fees.
8. Being ridiculed for wearing bubby underwear.
9. Dirty martinis.
10. Prudes, snobs, beeyotches.
11. Ugg boots.
12. Tights that stink after one use.
13. To do lists that never end.
14. Jewish guilt.
15. Not being able to think of anything else that sucks.

Hallelujah!!! Welcome Back, Sunday!!!

2006-10-16T14:14:00.000-04:00

It is with great pleasure that I invite you to look forward to this upcoming Sunday and all of those after. As a result of the fact that our beloved Jewish holidays have ended, we can now actually treat Sunday like a normal day and have a normal weekend.

Can't wait to go to the gym, do the laundry (yes!), have brunch, see movies and actually have a buffer zone between Shabbos and work. I am really excited about returning to my life as a Superficial Manhattanite.

Hip-hop for the next generation?

2006-10-12T17:34:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Matisyahu opened the floodgates for Chasidic rappers. Who knew?

Parental Control: A Shandeh for the Neighbors

2006-10-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

I can't keep quiet anymore. I have long considered MTV to be a disgusting example of what's wrong with society today. It is rife with messages telling youth they should drink, buy things compulsively, have sex indiscriminately, and shake their booty like hoochies in bad bicycle shorts.

Of course, that doesn't stop me from (obsessively) watching MTV. Still, despite my hypocrisy, I have to rail against the show Parental Control. On this show, as MTV proudly states, fed-up parents send their 'pride and joy' on two blind dates of their choosing, in the hopes that one of them will finally catch his-or-her eye so they'll finally dump What's-Their-Name (i.e. boy/girlfriend that they don't approve of). Parents then sit side-by-side with the errant What's-Their-Name and watch live footage of both dates. Okay, interesting concept, I'll give them that.

Interesting up to a point. What MTV doesn't say is that most of the time, these 'dates' are just an excuse for the kids to go to some random place for a weird activity (paper mache comes to mind), act in an extremely suggestive manner, undress to a bathing suit/underoos and usually, make out. Meanwhile, the parents and boyfriend are watching all of this. And this is the weirdest part - the parents are usually happy to see their kids act like harlots, and cheer them on in the hopes that they will finally give 'that guy' the heave-ho.

How sick is that? Do you think your parents would be happy to see you sucking face and licking honey off the chest of a guy/girl you just met (this actually happened on one show)??? I think not. What kind of messages are they sending to their 'pride and joy'? And in the spirit of good middot, isn't this a little bit inconsiderate of the errant boyfriend's feelings? Who are these people???

Certainly not Jewish parents. The Yiddishe version of Parental Control would involve precious Henchie going out on two blind dates with Yoely and Yonkie, both of whom have been screened by the FBI. The parents anxiously watch the events unfold on TV, with the shadchan by their side. On one date, Henchie goes to the Marriot Marquis lobby, and in the other, she goes to the airport. Who does she choose??? Breathtaking suspense ensues. Controversy erupts when Yoely sits in the car with Henchie for too long, bringing up issues of Yichud. The parents are overjoyed when Henchie finally picks Yonkie, who has a plastic bag factory and respectfully got their daughter a diet Coke without as much brushing her fingers. (Can't wait to see them on OnlySimchas.)

I had to move your picture

2006-10-09T23:55:00.000-04:00

downtown.... u know why

Caution: Searching for the Perfect Man May Be Hazardous to Your Health

2006-10-05T12:21:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in this 'political cartoon' are not necessarily those of this blogger. However, tee hee.

Nu, do you agree?

Also, notice the 'shabbos candles' and 'Rashi/Martinelle' beverage on the table. Think this meal was taking place in the Westmont, where hope goes to die (and everyone goes to kvetch)?

High-Holiday boredom...

2006-10-05T11:58:00.000-04:00

So the high-holidays are just over (is sukkos considered high or is it done with YK... ? I can't keep up. The JTA writes an interesting story on Jews who don't attend high holiday services, yet are connected to their Jewish faith.

I was able to relate quite appropriately as I skipped out on much of the High Holiday services this year. With Jews identifying as 2-day-a-year Jews, indicating their temple attendance on Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, those are actually the days where services are the most difficult ... perhaps, that's why these Jews don't return during the year.

I appreciate shul more during a Friday night Shabbos service, rather than an entire day. But... that's just me.

Jewish Blog Guilt: Post-Yom Kippur Version

2006-10-03T13:31:00.000-04:00

So I've been on this self-improvement kick to get myself ready for the High Holy Days (which just passed, may they be well). Part of it has been learning the laws of Shmirat Ha'Lashon, or guarding your tongue so you don't speak badly of others.

What I've learned is that not following these laws is a huge transgression equal to not keeping the entire Torah. As such, the laws are so strict that you basically can't even mention another person's name since it might lead another person to say something even slightly unfavorable about them.

I've really been trying hard to keep these laws and have thus been feeling progressively guiltier and guiltier about my snarky blogging here on this delectable site. What could be worse than dissing fellow Jews in a public forum? You can't even say things about our Nation of Israel (not Islam, Heaven forbid, nothing wrong with saying anything about them).

So, I'm in a quandary. I love blogging but don't want to be a 'peddler of gossip.' What to do, what to do?

New Year Is Here

2006-10-03T10:21:00.000-04:00

These are the new year resolutions:

1. When you dip a chip, just take one dip and end it (otherwise you'll put your whole mouth in the dip)

2. If your gonna watch tv or read a magazine please let it be something other than Best Week Ever or US magazine.

3. If you get married, invite the WHOLE shul to the kiddush haha.

4. If you love facebook, try to go on maybe less than 3 hours a day.

5. When you see someone on the street, say "Hey, how are yA"

6. If you are not fond of President Bush, just relax, we don't need to here it every 5 seconds.

7. Finally, aaaaaaaaaahahahhahahahahahahhahah (tune for bircas kohanim) shalllooooooooom.
oh and continue blogging this year whether it's JYCity or any other normal form.

Mel Gibson Rants (again), World Laughs (again)

2006-09-27T13:57:00.000-04:00

"I think this is a good look for me. Don't you? Jesus rulez!! Pass the Jack Daniels, would you?"

Meet Mel Gibson. No, not the handsome actor you thought he was. The real Mel, the confirmed laughingstock of Hollywood. Not content to merely spew anti Semitic nonsense and be a sloppy drunk and misguided moviemaker, Meshugana Mel briefly left his cave this past week and ranted against the war in Iraq.

Wait, I thought he denied the war? Oh, that was the Holocaust. According to him, he owns Malibu, his wife is going to hell for not being Catholic and it's cool to refer to women by names like 'Sugar Tata's.'

I think I hate him even more than Tom Cruise at this point. Apparently I'm not the only one.
Here's a rundown of some fun comments made about Mel lately:

"He's one bead short of a rosary." (about.com)
"Watching [Apocolypto - his upcoming movie] it is like having dental work." (movie critic)
"He looks like the Unabomber." (me)

Can't wait for his stupid movie to bomb - payback is on its way. Take it from this Jewess, Mel. And I don't even own Hollywood.

Here's some other fun comments about the maniac for your reading pleasure:

"Mel Gibson apologized to the Jewish community for anti-Semitic remarks he made when he was drunk. Yeah, then Gibson apologized to Catholics for not being able to hold his liquor." (Conan O'Brien)

"Mr. Gibson announced today that he will be entering rehab -- the Betty Ford Center for his alcoholism, and I believe the Henry Ford Center For Anti-Semitism." (Jon Stewart)

"As you may have heard, Mel Gibson was arrested in Malibu on a DUI. I don't know what he was drinking but I think you can rule out Manischewitz." (Jay Leno)

Hey People out in the Big City

2006-09-27T00:39:00.000-04:00

So football is life basically correct.
Yo this is a list of the best phrases ever said in my opinion:
1. Nevermind
2. Cockamoon
3. What's the deal..
4. Cabinets are there
5. Carphone
6. Jew york city
7. Hey there
8. Potato kugel
9. Catcdh the drift
10. Stream of conciousness

cya

To all chicks who wear open-toed shoes on the subway!

2006-09-26T14:14:00.000-04:00

This morning was no different than any other morning. I woke up at 7:30am, pee'd in the toilet, washed negel vasser, thought about praying, but didn't, and then got dressed. I decided to wear my Barney's Warehouse Sale dress shirt, as it was kind of conservative, yet dressy enough. I began a GMAT class a few weeks ago, and still want to impress the people in the class - though, I have no idea why. That shirt went great with a rather new pair of Kenneth Cole pants I recently bought. Yay! My 2 week old haircut still gave me that "my hair is good" look and thus I was ready to leave.

Earbuds in ear, I leave my apartment building and listen to my Daily Affirmations for Spiritual Health and Well-being podcast. I feel good. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. I am focused and calm, love is my clearest vibration. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident. The universe has heard my desires, and I am calm and confident.

Yay, I'm at the train. Screw you, Mr. AM New York, I'm more of a Metro daily type of guy. As I wait on the train platform, I wonder what craziness I will read today about Ms. Lohan and pretend to care to know who was scene on the scene (I really want Tara Reid to make a comeback!).

As I board the B train at 96th street to a diverse crowd of New Yorkers, I gaze the crowd and begin to judge everyone in car 3426 of the 9-car train. Who looks good? Who is dressed horribly? Who is rich? On 86th Street, a young woman steps onto the train, just beside me. Immediately I label her a fashion-whore wannabe. Dressed in some one piece silky thing, with black polka-dots and some sort of belt that went down in the back, she looked to sexy for this train. I scadoodle over, to give Ms-86th-St-old-money, her majesty, her space.

As I was reading some irrelevant news, I noticed myself beginning to read over Ms 86th Street's shoulder. So, she was reading an article about Morning After Hair - intriguing. As I began to inch closer, and the train got fuller... I did the horrible! I stepped on Ms 86th Street's foot. Not only did I Step on Ms 86's foot, but she was wearing open-toed shoes, and I obviously amputated a toe or two with the apparent shriek that came out of her old-money mouth.

"So sorry", the train is so crowded, I quickly replied.

"Why don't you watch wear you step?" Said Ms 8-6.

"My apologies, I'll be more careful", said the non-confrontational JewYorker at first.

"Jee-zus! I hate riding the subways!" said Little Ms Sunshine.

I could no longer stay quiet.

"Uhm, you may want to consider not wearing open-toed shoes on a NYC subway. For that matter, you shouldn't wear them in any highly populated area, it's just not safe." I said with a hint of smart-assness.

"What are you... a doctor?!" Said 86.

What the fudge is she talking about?! Doctors dont recommend suggestions for logical thinking. Whatever.

"No, I'm just a concerned citizen trying to prevent further pain from being inflicted on your toes and your Jimmy Choos."

Her eyes rolled and our little moment ended.

So, dear females of the borough of Manhattan - I urge, URGE you... please for the sake of mankind... DO NOT WEAR OPEN-TOED SHOES ON THE SUBWAY. If you do, please note you are inviting pain to your little ones. For that I will not apologize ever again.

Also, 86, FYI.... Oversized sunglasses were so June-2006... get over it.

Bizarre Rosh HaShana Observations

2006-09-25T16:31:00.000-04:00

I have always enjoyed spending Rosh HaShana with my parents in the (semi) suburban enclave where I grew up, but with my relatively new focus on all things blogworthy (i.e. obsessive attention to strange details), I noticed some 'interesting' things.

First, what is up with old ladies freaking out if someone sits in their designated seat? It just so happened there were many other free seats in the immediate surrounding area. I understand the need to have a place to park your tush, but there is enough to go around. Why is there a fight every year?

Second, what is up with men my father's age (i.e. him and his friends) becoming sillier with age? I think this is a great development, but it was hilarious and quite odd to go to lunch at my parents' friends' house and hear the 'patriarch' go on and on in hysterics about a guy who projectile vomited in shul a few weeks ago. His exasperated daughter explained that he has been talking about this ever since. It's the type of thing my father would fixate on, and when brought up at the table, would cause the rest of my family to look at each other, laugh and tell my father he is like George from Seinfeld (while my father snickered). I think this is completely lovable, but I guess it proves that all men are babies.

Third, what is up with the nitpicking regarding the speech, and really, any action taken by the shul Rabbi? I heard many in-depth analyses of his speech (i.e. it would have been perfect if 10 minutes had been shaved off, it was perfect, he is too emotional and shows qualities of a girly-man when using his voice to convey a dramatic point, etc. etc.). I thought his speech was quite good and didn't object to any of his wardrobe/diction choices. (Although I must admit I spaced out for some of his speech; not his fault, this happens in all speeches.) I know this is endemic to all Jewish congregations, but seriously, it's a little weird.

Finally, since I only read The New York Post at my parents' house, what is up with the paper's obsession with the word 'perv'? My favorite article over the weekend discussed disgraced former NJ Governor McGreevy's stint at rehab to address his addictive need for adoration. The article painted a picture of how he clutched a Kermit the Frog doll that represented/personified ('animalified'?) his need for attention. It didn't make much sense, but it was quite humorous. I love Kermie, although I think that perv McGreevy should get his hands off of him.

Unfortunately, I didn't have time to play with the 10,000 Nerf footballs and half-deflated basketballs that no one ever looks at in my parents' basement, but there is always Sukkot.

We wish you a gut shabbes . . .

2006-09-22T17:11:00.000-04:00

And a happy new year! The turkey is in the oven, the gefilte fish has been broiled, and the honey cake is cooling--it must be the big RH! Allow me to join in the sentiments of dear JewYorkCity and Ms. JumpinJewess in wishing our readers a happy, healthy New Year (what are we up to now, Taf Shin Samech Zayin?!) Jewgrrl loves ya, kinderlach.

You will get head on Rosh Hashana!

2006-09-22T14:53:00.000-04:00

As JewYorkCity celebrates its first anniversary, I bring to you the Frequently Asked Questions my guests asked of me, and my responses:

- What is Rosh Hashana?
It's the Jewish New Year - no year of the monkey, elephant or zebra. Just the Jewish New Year - no animals involved. Dick Clark will NOT be counting down, and no balls will be dropping [err]. Literal translation means "head of the year".

- What will be different about a Rosh Hashana dinner? What's the food like?
Well, for one thing, JewYorker has never hosted a dinner like this. JewYorker does not have much experience cooking...so don't be expecting any celebrity-chef style cooking. I just learnt the difference between baking (dessert) and cooking (stove-top). Also, I learnt that fork has four letters and thus goes on the left side of the plate, because left has 4 letters too (same with knife and right). But the food will be heimishe!! The meal will also be a meat meal - the Koshers, don't mix milk and meat (know that song: "On top of spaghetti all covered with cheese, i want my poor meatballs. But that's not kosher, you see). So, no dairy products at my meal... so the lactose intolerant - yay for you!

- Different foods to look out for:
Challah: normally rectangle, will be round. Why round? Round challah symbolizes a 'perfect' year to come. No sharp corners... and just the hope of a fully-ROUNDED year.
Apples and honey: We'll be dipping apples in honey to symbolize our wish for a SWEET year to come. Get it? Honey = sweet = sweet new year. Also, raisins will be in the challah, because raisins = sweet = sweet new year.
Fish: Technically, we should be eating the head of a fish. The fish is an ancient symbol of fertility and abundance. The head of fish symbolizes the head of the new year. The head also symbolizes our hope that the Jewish people will continue to head and lead other nations with our continued hostile takeover of the media, entertainment, financial and political sectors of the world. Oh wait - that's my plan! The head really symbolizes our desire to lead other nations through righteousness. Oh and were not eating head... [err], but we'll have fish..and it'll be gefilte... and you'll eat it and love it. Please note that we do not eat horseradish or other bitter foods on Rosh Hashana. The reason for this is because we want the theme to stay SWEET. No bitter food, we don't want to begin the year with BITTERness.
Spinach and broccoli stuff: Symbolizes a GREEN year with plenty of produce.

- You said "heimishe"... what's that?
All my food will be pronounceable, and homely. Heimishe literally means "plain" and "simple". There definitely will NOT be asparagus - Jews do not eat asparagus! Gefilte, kugel, schnitzel... that's hot. In the days of celebrity chefs and fabulous dinner parties, I'm bringing back old-school Jewish food that's darned good.

- Second night?!? I never celebrate the second night.
Now you are!

- Dress... up? down? causal?
As comfortable as you want to feel.

- What can I bring?
Nothing. Especially because my apartment is Kosher. So, if you do bring something and its deemed not Kosher; I'll smile, thank you for your generous gift and when you leave, I'll give it to Wilson or Dennis (the night doorman), or to Merlin (the wizard cleaning lady).

Celebrate!!! JewYorkCity's One Year Anniversary!!!

2006-09-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

Woo hoo! Our fab blog is one year (plus a few weeks) old!!! (Sadly, us bloggers behaved like bad husbands and forgot the real anniversary on Sept. 13.)

Please congratulate us on our hilarious and momentous accomplishment and feel free to shower us with compliments, chocolates, gifts, burnt offerings and slaves.

On that happy note, a very happy and healthy New Year to all of JewYorkCity's readers! Whether you surfed in once or read us compulsively, we love you just the same and hope the coming year brings you joy, success and lots of giggles.

Pray for Me: I Have Entered the Crackberry Revolution

2006-09-22T10:39:00.000-04:00

I caved.

In the past, I vehemently scoffed, lamented and decried the use of Blackberries as a tool to enslave the masses (and take attention away from other deserving berries such as boysenberries).

In the past few months, however, I've found myself gazing longingly at the legions of high-tech New Yorkers emailing at every turn, with their assorted Treos and Blackberries. I have always loved tech and found that my Palm Pilot just wasn't cutting it. It had no keypad for fast thumb action, lacked easy emailing features and I was sick of the stylus.

So yesterday I finally gave in to my evil consumerist impulse and purchased a T-Mobile Blackberry Pearl. I have since become obsessed with it in the form of crack and have been texting and emailing with abandon. I am now the consummate New Yorker: a conspicuous consumer replete with expensive handbag, Gucci sunglasses, Coach Shoes, Ipod Nano and my new Blackberry.*

I can't believe the way I sold out. I might as well sell ads to put all over my body ala Nascar vehicles. I think my sad downward spiral started with my family's handbag intervention...I hope I don't turn into 'that guy' in a year...

*I still buy alot of my clothing at Filene's and happily accept hand-me-downs from my Barney's obsessed friend. However, come to think of it, I have been going into Club Monaco more lately. Dang it!

Britney's Son's Bris: A Complete Shandeh!

2006-09-20T10:51:00.000-04:00

I was shocked to arrive at Young Israel of White Trash this morning for the exciting occasion of the bris milah of the second heir to the dynasty of Britney Jean Spears & Kevin Cletus (Unemployment)Line and find that things were not as 'classy' as I would have expected.

Rather than naming their son for a virtuous ancestor, such as Bobby Ray Yoel or Mascara Clump Moshe, they instead went with the name 'Sutton Pierce.' Okay, that's not overly insane at first glance given the odd celebrity tradition of utterly bizarre names such as Pilot Inspektor Lee, but the Spears-(Fertile)Line alliance has been devastatingly cunning!

As I schmeared cream cheese on some grits, I reflected on the name. You see, Sutton Pierce Federline now has the same initials as his baby brother, Sean Preston Federline - that's right, SPF! Thus, these poor children, who never had a chance to begin with given their lineage and genetics, will be additionally tortured. They are destined to forever be compared to sun protection products. What could be worse? I guess they could have been given the initials 'STD.'

You think the West Side dating scene is intense?

2006-09-19T17:12:00.000-04:00

Hard to believe, but there's something even crazier, with more parental involvement, out there. Read it and weep here.

Borat: Take This Woman to Your Glorious Nation to Be Kazakh Slave!

2006-09-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

I officially have Borat-mania. I love how he skewers innocent Anti Semites and creates international incidents everywhere he goes.

There is no sexier Soviet, although I am intimidated by the power of his chram.

I am very impatient for the movie to come out already, but for now, I am content to get a little preview.

Great Picture

2006-09-14T11:49:00.000-04:00

the is a picture (left) of someone who looks exactly like my teacher in school. he combed his hair perfectly so i had to put it up.

again,
thank you.

A Good Song for Jewish Year's End

2006-09-14T00:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2ie18YOwUc (Vitamin C)

How good is utube by the way...

I dont know how to make a title

2006-09-14T00:32:00.000-04:00

Alright, so what's with people using the word awkward. I mean is everything awkward to everyone. Why don't some people use it sometimes so that some things can be awkward and others can be just fine or normally smooth. What's the deal? Everywhere I go someone says , oh that was awkward, look at that , that's awkward. It's kind of like when people scratch their heads. Just take a scratch every once in a while. If you scratch all the time it will lose all meaning or feeling.

Say something original like, "So I was in Baltimore the other day." You know to spice it up.

Thank you

Life Cycle Events: Anna Nicole Smith's Son Leaves This World, Britney Spear's Son Enters It

2006-09-13T10:07:00.000-04:00

I feel kind of bad yet scarily psychic that I made fun of Anna Nicole Smith on Sept. 8, since her son passed away on Sept. 12 for undisclosed (as of yet) reasons. May she be comforted with her happy memories of his brief 20 years, and by her new baby daughter (father undisclosed, but it's definitely not her dear, departed 125 year old husband).

A big mazal tov to Britney Jean Spears and her husband, Kevin (Unemployment)Line, on the birth of a baby boy. Hopefully they will follow their past good judgement and refrain from calling him "Cheetoh" or "Red Bull" and name him something nice and normal like Rick or Billy Bob. May the new baby be zoche l'torah, chuppah and ma'asim tovim. And may his first good deed be to kick his horribly rapping (baby) daddy K-Fed out of the house.

Hi Doug!

2006-09-08T16:47:00.000-04:00

Just one wanted to give a shout-out to one of my favorite friends and fans of JewYorkCity. If you ever need to melt anything down I would be happy to help!

Paris Hilton Booked for Driving While Idiotic (DWI)!!

2006-09-08T16:27:00.000-04:00

Breaking! At long last, on early Thursday morning, Paris Hilton was pulled over and arrested on the offense of Driving While Idiotic (DWI).

The story: A team of alert cops saw her driving in an idiotic fashion (simultaneously attempting to text on her Sidekick, brush out her hair weave, talk on the phone, snort coke and oh yeah, drive) and pulled her over on suspected DWI. Idiocy was confirmed when the Hoochy Heiress was unable to spell 'cat' and compute that '1+1=2,' thus failing the DWI test that would have demonstrated that she was not, in fact, an idiot. Ms. Hilton was then photographed, fingerprinted and booked, all while continuing to act idiotically. While the Bumbling Billionaress now maintains that her feelings have been hurt by all the attention paid to her semi-catatonic, somewhat entertaining and always mindboggling state, the Long Arm of the Law has spoken and will not be dissuaded!

The message: I have long maintained that Paris acts with a too healthy dose of idiocy for a variety of reasons. It is heartening to realize that law enforcement concurs. I hope they throw the book at her and put her in the slammer! After all, rehabilitating her from a fully functioning idiot to a semi-functioning member of society is going to take a long, long time. Perhaps Bobby Trendy, decorator of the also-idiotic Anna Nicole Smith, can help her in her comeback after she gets out of prison in 2025.

Breaking!!! 78% of Upper West Side women feel that 'Good Jewboys are hard to find'; 82% of UWS men find Jewgirls 'unattractive' & 'hard to figure out'

2006-09-05T13:26:00.000-04:00

Astonishing! I can't believe these numbers. I thought Upper West Siders of both sexes were extremely content with their 'dating situation.'

I'm actually being sarcastic if you couldn't figure it out, sillies. My point is that I am constantly hearing complaints from both guys and gals about how horrible it is on the UWS. I disagree, and would like to issue an edict, or a plea: Please, stop starting conversations about this topic at Shabbos meals/over drinks/in Central Park/on email!!! I honestly can't take it anymore. Talk about something, anything else. How about Mad Cow Disease? Orange Alerts? Chocolate? If Laura Bush had Botox?

I don't mean to be insensitive to those who are having a less than ideal time. But talking about it incessantly isn't going to change anything.

That's my rant for today. Have a good one.

The Jewish Classmates.com!

2006-08-31T09:14:00.000-04:00

Check out FrumHere. What will they think of next?

42% of Americans Believe G-d Gave Israel to Jews; Other 58% Too Immersed in Eating to Realize Truth

2006-08-30T16:24:00.000-04:00

According to Arutz Sheva, 42% of Americans believe that the modern state of Israel is a gift to the Jewish people by G-d. (This stat, collected in July, is unchanged since 2003.) This is a pretty astounding number in my opinion, considering the rampant anti-semitism I thought had taken over.

Still, I can't help hating on the other 58%. According to my sources, when surveyed, those not fully supportive of Israel were too busy becoming obese to consider the theology and dashed off an easy 'no'. Some responses:

"No. Now can I go back to my burger?"
"Get your hands off my Cheetos! The answer is no, okay?"
"Damn, buffalo wings with a side of deep-fried onion rings, topped off by 2 Big Gulps is mm mm good! What was your question again? Oh, no." (chomp)

Hmm, is there a correlation between stupidity and obesity? I don't think NAAFA would like this post.

Because any Jewish pro athlete is worthy of note

2006-08-28T13:37:00.000-04:00

As if our mothers don't put enough pressure on us, here's an entire article about the weight newly-minted Mets right fielder Shawn Green carries on his shoulders. Besides bearing the torch for every Jewish male's shattered pro sports dreams, Green is a highly eligible Jew living and playing in New York, and not at all bad-looking (especially by skewed UWS standards). Let the matchmaking begin--like it hasn't already! New York Times article here.

Tall, Jewish, Gay, Can Rap: Do you want this dreadlocked dude at your kid's bar mitzvah?

2006-08-25T12:52:00.000-04:00

This is so bizarre I'm just linking to it. See for yourselves.

The Jewish Babe Renaissance

2006-08-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

Complaining nebby Jewboys, take heed: It's official, Jewgirls are hot.

So stop bitching and get yourselves to a gym. It wouldn't hurt you to work off all that Yerushalmi kugel and cholent I saw y'all fressing at Young Israel last week.

Tom Cruise: Coming Soon to a McDonald's Near You

2006-08-25T12:34:00.000-04:00

YES!!!!! Icky Tom Cruise's creepy and annoying antics have finally caught up with him. Sumner Redstone, head of Paramount, dropped the Scientology Spaceball's contract because, quote, "His recent conduct has not been acceptable to Paramount."

Ha - it's begun. Middah k'neged midda - what goes around comes around. Can't wait to see what G-d has in store for Mel Gibson, Certified Anti Semite and Alcoholic. I think this is a sign that Mashiach is coming!

I'm as Jewish as a piece of shmaltz herring and a bissel Schnapps

2006-08-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

How Jewish are you? It would make sense that if you define yourself by a food, you are Jewish.* According to this methodology, Jackie Mason is definitely Jewish, since he stated, "the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami."

While Good Ol' Jack is known to make funny proclamations, the interesting twist is that his declaration came as part of his lawsuit against '(Non - ed) Jews for Jesus.'

The pamphlets feature an image of Mason next to the words "Jackie Mason ... A Jew for Jesus!?" with information inside that outlines the similarities between Jews and Christians.

In an affadavit, the crunching comic stated, "The pamphlet uses my name, my likeness, my 'shtick' (if you will), and my very act, which is derived from my personality, to attract attention and converts."

It's bad enough that JforJ lies and pretends they're Jewish. But don't go stealing someone's shtick. Bravo to Jackie for calling them on it, and using the opportunity to talk about food! Now that's a real Jew.

*And if you're feeling trendy, you can define yourself as a faux crab sushi roll.

Wow - This (Jewish) Gang Bang Has Standards!

2006-08-22T16:08:00.000-04:00

Ah, Craig's list - the bastion of all things pure. Such a kiddush Hashem is this ad:

JEWISH guys needed for Gang Bang - w4m - 27 (Union Square)
Date: 2006-08-22, 1:02PM EDT

PLEASE READ THE AD COMPLETELY AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. (we posted as w4m because we're looking for hetero guys) FIRST - DON'T REPLY to this ad if you're gay. We do HETERO Gangbangs, so you would not enjoy our events. Nothing personal :) This is a gang bang club for clean-cut, professional, and IN-SHAPE Jewish men. We hang out and gang bang girls together, in addition to hanging out, networking, etc. We are in touch with our heritage and proud to be Jewish men. And we come together to team up on (deleted by ed. - too filthy to put on our site) gang bang style. Comaraderie and khavura. We are NOT just looking for guys who want to get laid. We are looking for guys who want to be a part of a brotherhood, a true team. We, as a brotherhood, stand shoulder to shoulder with Israel in these very difficult times. Am Yisrael Khai! If you're interested, please reply to this ad. Our group is for clean-cut professional Jewish guys in their 20's or 30's, who are good looking, in good shape, AND PROUD TO BE JEWISH. We get a lot of fakes replying to our ad, so if you want to be considered SEND A FACE PIC WHEN YOU REPLY. Yes, a face pic. No exceptions. We know some will think we are "collecting pics," but we know we're for real, so we don't care what people think :) We also don't care what the dude "flagging" and "deleting" our ad says - we know we're real and have the events under our belt to prove it. The guy posting that we are fake is someone we rejected, and we have evidence of that. Lehitra'ot!

Forget 1-800-DIVORCE, Just Call MTV

2006-08-21T14:31:00.000-04:00

MTV must be stopped! Every single couple that participated in one of their reality shows about 'their love' has ended up divorced:

First Nick & Jessica - 'Newlyweds' no longer. (Ed: Goooo Nick - come to Mama.)

Then Carmen (Elektra) and Dave (Navarro) - what happened to 'Until Death Do Us Part'?

Now Shana Moakler and Travis Barker (of Blink 182) are the newest casualty - no more 'Meet the Barkers' for them.

There might be other reasons:
1. Nick was tired of hearing Jessica's creepy pa talk about her bazoombas;
2. Carmen got sick of Dave stealing her eyeliner;
3. Travis got sick of his wife's overly somatic state.

Still, I'm beginning to think MTV cut a sweet deal with Jacoby & Meyers.*

*For 'when it's time' to call a lawyer.

Boro Park has Jews! Porn star visits Israel! 6th Sense kid is not anti-semitic!

2006-08-21T14:00:00.000-04:00

- The NY Post: Boro Park has too many Jews

- Jewish porn star heading to Israel to show solidarity; and of course a documentary is being filmed about the experience

- Haley Joel Osmont arrested for DUI - and he doesn't blame Jews for all the wars in the world

Cool Jew of the day - Dan Lazar.

2006-08-17T10:44:00.000-04:00

So mediabistro is hosting a vote for the male hottie in Publishing - and while I don't normally care for high-school-hot-or-not internet voting, I care about this one, because my best-buddy-slash-cousins-cousin is up for a win. And if he wins... he likes himself just a little bit more.

So vote for DAN LAZAR in the mediabistro poll, for not only is Dan a talented and up-and-coming literary agent, he's just a fine lad too.

Nu, aren't you hungry?

2006-08-16T15:38:00.000-04:00

This via New York Brain Terrain:

"Visitors to New York City should get ready to fall in love at first sip as Ben & Jerry's transforms the historic Daryl Roth Theatre in Union Square into an indulgent escape, August 11-27. Guests can enjoy complimentary milkshakes while experiencing a total sensory immersion within each of the different flavors. The Cherry Garcia Lounge allows guests to relax in a funky setting featuring hip furniture, shag-covered walls, lava lamps and a masseuse offering chair massages. The neighboring Chunky Monkey Oasis whisks visitors out of New York City's summer heat to the tropics with rope swings, banana trees and driftwood benches. A few steps away, guests find themselves enveloped in the Chocolate Fudge Brownie Zone, a chocolate-lover's paradise, featuring plush furniture in decadent fabrics to beckon weary travelers. Sweet sights and smells complete the chocolate wonderland and the indulgent Ben & Jerry's MilkShake Experience before visitors head back into the real, unfortunately less chocolate-filled world."

What are you waiting for--it's kosher to boot!

Lest We Forget - We Are Still Here

2006-08-16T15:29:00.000-04:00

Except for me - I'm in Greece on vacation.* Which is probably why this blog hasn't been updated in so long. But don't worry - we're still alive and kicking.

*I know it's pathetic to update your blog when you're on vacation, but take this as a measure of my love for you, dear readers. Plus the internet is free at my hotel.

Kinky Jews?!?

2006-08-11T00:04:00.000-04:00

So, we have Ashkenaz Jews, Sefardic Jews and now Kinky Jews brings together the "curious newbies to the esperienced hip, funky, Jews" of the world.

IF you are young, Jewish and interested in kink or other alternative sexuality scenes - register your name there. And please, PLEASE no comments like "Oh JYC - how do YOU know about kinkyjews.com?!?" I'll clear the air right now - when I was wrapping myself in my leather tefillin from the age of 13, I wasn't JUST thinking about making a shin on my hand. Woof.

Barbie Doll Breakthrough

2006-08-08T10:38:00.000-04:00

I realized something shocking/genius over the weekend. Most little girls (like me) played with Barbie dolls as kids. I thought I was really bad (in a good way) since I always made Barbie and Ken make out.

Well, talking to my girlfriends over the years has led me to realize that everyone did the same thing! All this time, I thought I was the lone perv. I think Barbies are a very important part of the growth process (especially in regard to positive body image - ha ha) so I was glad to hear that everyone had 'benefited.'

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got business to attend to - Barbie & the Rockers are putting on a concert, and I heard that Gem (who's truly outrageous) might be there.

Text Messaging - Is There an Etiquette?

2006-08-02T15:49:00.000-04:00

Rather than post a pop culture tidbit, I wanted to share my thoughts on the text messaging phenomenon. It has become so popular over the last year or so, joining email and phone as a prefered mode of communication, but it seems to be a wild, chaotic jungle where anything goes! Or a barren tundra where text messages that have not been answered go to die!

These are the sort of questions that run through my head in regard to texting, that have yet to be answered. Perhaps someday, someday, they will:

-Does it enhance your life, making it easier to exchange info rather than suffer through long, torturous conversations?
-Or does it futher confuses your life, as you don't know 'how serious' a text from someone you are dating is compared to an email or phone call?
-When can you stop texting? What if the texting just kind of dies out? Is it rude to not text goodbye?
-Is it rude to read a text when you are out to dinner? At work? In the bath?
-Has it negatively impacted your thumbs/fingers?
-Does texting lead to sexing?

Tell me what you think...I'd lurve to know!

Pammy Anderson & Kid Rock: Under the Chuppah

2006-08-02T10:54:00.000-04:00

--> On the way to the Yichud Room.

Ya think she got the 'gown' at a Gemach or at Estee's???

Exciting "Gevaldica Middot" (aka boobies) Breakthrough!!!

2006-08-02T10:27:00.000-04:00

Just in from an always reliable source (a forward):

Rejoice, ladies! A British company is developing computer chips which store and play music, to be implanted in women's breasts. This is viewed as a major breakthrough because up until now, women have complained that men were just staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Transvestite on the Loose in the Westmont!

2006-08-01T17:20:00.000-04:00

Enough of the Anonymous dude - he's so over - I'm much more into Inconsiderate Cellphone Man anyway. I bring you this hilarious and frightening exchange from the wonderful Overheard in New York:

Title: They Used to Be
Guy: So you went out with this great guy, and then he just told you he's a girl?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: I just love having these crazy conversations in the elevator, and everyone thinks you're insane.
Doors open. Everyone gets out.
Guy: This is your floor? Oh no! Those people are your neighbors!

--Elevator, 96th & Columbus aka Westmont

Anonymous Comment Writer Further Alienates Jews with Atrocious Spelling

2006-08-01T14:53:00.000-04:00

I have quite enjoyed JYC's interaction with Anonymous Comment Writer (who should occupy a space in the pantheon next to Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer). After I posted a comment in response to ACW's mispelling of the word 'wannabe' - as in it's not a bee, bzz bzz - ACW fired back. Here is my response:

Just a few tips Peaches: - Did I give you permission to call me Peaches? How dare you!

A - Your blog needs a new wardrobe, why choose a layout that yelps "I'm a boring blog .... read me". - Perhaps you can provide us with some dough to improve our layout since you are, after all, the famous ACW. In any case, we'd much rather remain geographically desirable and use all our $$$ to live in Manhattan, instead of investing in a hot new layout just to please you. Just a thought - are you an angry Staten Island resident?

B - You have .blogspot in your web address its like so June 2003. Make an effort sweetcheeks, and maybe readers will too. - Listen, bub, don't call me SweetCheeks. (They are in fact spectacular, but you would have no chance, trust me.) In answer, we are so fab that we don't mind the dreaded '.blogspot.' In fact, we welcome it as an ironic tribute to our hipster greatness. And where were you in June 2003? Camp Morasha?

C - JewYorkCity should be about Jew York City, not a Shrine to Shiyksas. If I wanted Hollyweird I wouldnt read your blog trust me. A shrine to Shiyksas? What are those?? I know about shiksas, but never heard of those Shiyks. Are you referring to Sheiks, perhaps? Or some obscure Trekkie reference? Mind your spelling and punctuation- may I suggest Strunk and White's masterpiece?
Also - you have posted quite frequently and seem to know us intimately. That would make it seem like you actually read our blog.

D - Your blog is "plastic", not real, has no soul, it lacks insecurities, got no personality. PR is dead honey. I think our blog has a TON of soul. We write about so many topics - NYC happenings, celebs, politics - and manage to give it all a Jewish twist. If you don't believe us, ask Amishav. And PR? Do you see any ads that attest to a public relations campaign?

Wanabee-junkies fine, but please, don't jack up in front of me. - Is that English? Can someone interpret? There you go again with the bzz bzz.

I feel bad for ACW. Does anyone know a girl for him (or could it be a her - interesting)? I think *someone* needs to get some, if ya know what I mean.

Anonymous comment writer thinks JYC is "weird" and "not hip"

2006-07-31T10:56:00.000-04:00

[sigh], the abuse and risk the JYC writers face each day is disastrous, scary and downright nauseating. Today, at 10:42am and Anonymous JYC reader posted a comment to one of the posts at JYC. The comment reads as such:

u 4 absolute weirdos that write this blog think u are so hip, but u are so not!!!Just thought i would break it to you gently, so you can start picking up the pieces nice and slowly :)

Well, as editor and creator of the JewYorkCity blog, let me give you a few facts:

- We do not "think" we are hip, we 'KNOW' we are hip. We are the modern day Wikopedia definition of 'HIP'. All 4 writers come from varied walks of life: Long Island, Minnesota, Brooklyn and Manhattan - obviously, the 4 corners of the world! Long Island is famous for its Iced Tea. Minnesota is famous for its Mall of the World. Brooklyn is famous for its location of fornication of David and Victoria (Spice) Beckham leading to the name of their bechor. And Manhattan... oh Manhattan is where all the JYC writers congregated to meet and create this fabu web-zine.

- Break it to us gently? Oh, during this sad period of the 9 days (which is only a week, but whatever, Christmas really isn't 12 days either), you anonymously write to tell us of our eccentricity. Please, we are JewYorkers, we can take it... Identify yourself, have a drink - we'll treat... love us or hate us, we're here to stay.

- "Pick up pieces nice and slowly"?!? Oh, we are the bitchiest bunch on the 10025 zip code. We make those Project Runway contestants seem like innocent KBY boys... We can handle it... we've been through oh-so-much, such as the cancellation of LAX (with Heather Locklear) and Ruben Studdard's constant weight gain. And guess what, we are still here... because we are heroes.

With love, concern, and the fulfillment of Friday-mitzvah-night, even if it's b'yichud,
JewYorkCity

Would you be offended by a mother breast-feeding in public?

2006-07-28T13:58:00.000-04:00

That's the latest poll on CNN.com. Just thought you should know - I feel like it says something odd about the state of our world today. Or maybe just something odd about CNN (bleedin' anti semitim that they are).

Gutten Shabbos.

Laguna Beach Weekly Dvar

2006-07-28T02:01:00.000-04:00

Laguna the third is coming soon with an all new cast. It's just so annoying that the show is only a half-our. Maybe Kristin will make appearances on the show. We will seee wat the dillio is but for now we must wait and idolize the show and its characters. Rest in peace seasons 1 and 2. Trivia Question for you guys.. Which character has a sibling with the same first name as me? (michael) You probably shouldn't know this. I do.

It's not just the cocopods anymore

2006-07-25T21:19:00.000-04:00

By now, you may have already heard that the state of NYC's drinking water is less than pristine. As someone who hails from a region where the water really is potable (and crystal clear, might I add), I never really believed New Yorkers' claims that their tap water was fit for consumption. This report from the New York Times proves it: The water supply has become so clouded, not only does the article liken it to Yoo-hoo, but the city has been dumping a whopping 16 tons of chemicals per day into the city's water just to meet federal standards. Don't worry, though--any side effects of the chemical ingestion will only last until a complete filtration system can be instituted. Which will be . . . well, let's just say they're working on Jewish time. In any case, the lesson here is not to look down upon the Brita-filter devotees and Poland Spring junkies among us. It's no longer jappy, it's just good sense.

Condi Makes Out in Lebanon, But Gets No Love in Return

2006-07-25T12:47:00.000-04:00

Apparently, Condi received a rather paltry welcome yesterday despite her flamboyant exchange of kisses with Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora on her fleeting visit to Beirut.

This all sounds very salacious and exciting. I want to know exactly what happened!!!

Was there tongue involved?
Any activity on second or third base?
Did Fouad murmur her name and compliment her Ferragamos?
Did Condi do the dreaded 'walk of shame' after? (Was that why the visit was so 'fleeting'?)

Clue us in - you can't just say something like that and leave it dangling!!!

DOES SURI (HOLMES-CRUISE) EXIST???

2006-07-24T15:50:00.000-04:00

I am beginning to think that Suri, the wrongly monikered Scientology spawn, is not with us. Rather, Katie was carrying a pillow for 12 months. Just where are Crazy Tom & Robot Kate hiding her?

US Weekly even dedicated a cover to this burning question. Leah Remini, the wench from "King of Queens" claims to have seen her,* but she's a Scientologist too so somehow I don't believe her.

I'm getting worried - SURI, WHERE ARE YOU????? Someone get me a pacifier.

*Why is CNN even covering this??? Shouldn't they be reporting on more important world events like JYC does??

Israeli Stocks Rise After Condi Nixes Shoe Shopping; Pays Visit to Lebanese

2006-07-24T15:42:00.000-04:00

According to Business Week, Condoleeza Rice's unnanounced visit to Lebanese Prime Minister Fouad Siniora caused Israeli stocks to rise on the US exchange.

Hmm, what's preferable - that the US could be involved in a sham negotiation with terrorists (Hezbollah) or that Condi could have gone shoe shopping the midst of all this conflict (as she did during Hurricane Katrina)?

Hmm, I'll take the Ferragamos.

Steven is so about to get divorced....

2006-07-24T11:09:00.000-04:00

Whoa - from an actual billboard on 54th and Broadway.... Hope Steve actually gets this as a wake up call...

As funny as this is - it ain't even real....

Russian Jewish boxer kicking ass, the Jewish way!

2006-07-24T10:27:00.000-04:00

Whoa - I know Dmitriy Salita has a lot of fight in him, but his mentor shouldn't be inviting God to the ring with him. He is an Orthodox Jew who happens to be the seventh-ranked super lightweight in the world!

Jimmy O sees things a different way. “You go to shul to pray to God,” he says. “But in the ring, you’re alone. And if God gets in the ring with you, you kick His ass.”

What I love most about this article is Dmitriy's publicist who also happens to be a "fellow lubavitcher"

His most fervent fans say he has already passed. “Dmitriy has been a champion since the day he laced up and said he wouldn’t fight on Shabbat,” Salita’s publicist and fellow Lubavitcher told me. “He fights for a higher power.”

Go break a leg, Kosher Kid - just not your own.